My Mother's negativity is destroying our family's emotional health

Why is your mother living with you, DonnaCG? Is she unable to take care of herself (because of the dementia, or some other reason?) Is she unable to afford to live alone? How long has she been living with you?

Because this really does not sound like a healthy situation. You deserve to have your children and grandchildren visit. You deserve to have sunshine in your life. We all have to put up with the dark clouds life hands us once in while, but to have someone deliberately creating them all day long, day after day, is just not fair!

You seriously have to do SOMETHING to protect yourselves, and it sounds like you have made many constructive efforts.

I believe you that she is impossible to ignore. What if you laughed at her? Made fun of her negative comments? "oooo ... the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the candy bag is smaller than it used to be ... oooo" "Yes, mother, the sky is falling, but I'm sure enjoying it until its over." Try to be funny and kidding about it -- don't sound angry because that may be what she wants -- but let her know you notice her negativity and are not taking it seriously.

If she didn't have a daughter willing to take her in, where would she be right now? What are the feasible alternatives for her? Assisted Living? A dementia care facility? I think you need to explore what the options are. It would be a lot easier and healthier to take her negativity in small doses while visiting her.

If it came down to "let up on the negativity or move out" do you think she could/would make an effort to at least keep most of her negative thoughts to herself? Does she want to live with you, or is she trying to get kicked out?

Donna, some people do that. They are called Negative Nancy's. They are able to find a gray lining in every white cloud and the only thing that is at the end of the rainbow is a bucket of coal. They bring everyone around them down. You said your mother's dementia isn't too bad, so I have a feeling she has a history of being negative. It is probably just a bad habit made worse by age and dementia. It is like a knee-jerk reaction in her brain. Personally I think negativity is a self-defense maneuver to distance people. I wouldn't be surprised if negative people are more sensitive than others.

I don't know what to do with Negative Nancy. Sometimes it works to say something like, "You must have chewed nails for breakfast this morning" or "That was mean." If a meal is criticized, everyone else should say how much they liked it. You may not be able to pull Negative Nancy up, but others will lessen the impact of the negativity.

I really do dislike the mean remarks that are made about other people. I always defend the people if they didn't deserve what was said. Hearing someone talk mean about people can lessen the value of the people to those who are hearing. I do think it needs to be corrected by something simple like, "I really like them." It neutralizes the poison.

My mom was a negative person my entire life. The older she got the worse it was. I'd get frustrated and ask her couldn't she ever be thankful for anything which seemed to shut her up for awhile. Of course she reverted back to her old ways before long. Thank goodness she never had to live with any of us because it would've been a nightmare. It must've been ingrained so deeply because she did it until she died.
As long as your mother lives with you, you will have to put up with it. I think this behavior is sometimes a lifelong mindset and not automatically attributed to depression or dementia. My dad had Alz and wasnt a Negative Ned. Ask her doctor if there is something you can do before she drives you crazy and alienates the whole family.

It's really hard for families when an individual has a long term personality issue that has dementia layered upon it. I agree with others that you deserve to have your children and grand children visit. You deserve some happiness and if she's not willing to be a part of the solution perhaps she should live somewhere else.

Thanks for all of the support, and answers. She is living with us for several reasons. The major reason we agreed to this was because after my father passed away she was having sporadic and unpredictable lapses in judgement that put her safety in jeopardy, also she should not be driving. A few examples, she went out in the middle of the day and sprayed Raid into an active yellow jacket nest, she was all set to send a huge amount of money to a fly by night company for insurance in the event that her sewer lines had to be dug up, she would climb on a small ladder to do chores because her extreme ocd could not let it go for a day or two until my husband or her grandson could do it for her...........

She was pleading to come live with us she hates to be alone. Her other reasoning, I am her only child and she would rather help with our household expenses than give it to assisted living, and she wants her savings to be inherited by me. I work from home and the time and energy it takes to have her here decrease my work time and eliminate any financial benefits. We are far from wealthy and like most a small inheritance would be nice, but I would rather have quality of life than her money. She kept pleading until we finally gave in.

She is in her early 80s and her monthly income if supplemented a little by her savings would be enough for assisted living for approx. ten years before her savings would run out.

She is too far gone to live by herself, but far too sharp most of the time to be declared incompetent. I do have DPOA but she would revoke that in a heart beat if I tried to force her into anything against her will.

If we refuse to live with her any longer she would most likely wind up living alone again which is unsafe for both her and those living near her. As it is now we have managed to cut back so that she rarely ever drives. If she moved out she would be right back on the road and the laws in our state give us few options to stop her.

Any additional suggestions are both needed and appreciated.

((((((Donna)))))) - very tough. It sounds like you need a medical opinion that your mum is not capable of living alone. Keep a record of her "lapses" Have you contacted her doctor and'or the dept of motor vehicles about her driving? Can you remove a key part from her car so it is disabled or take away her keys? Has she had any accidents or near accidents? A full evaluation by a suitable physician, informed by you ahead if time might give you what you need for her to be judged unable to live alone, You then can say that you cannot take her back home/keep her home as it is too disruptive to your family.Let the inheritance idea go - it is not worth it .Others have been in similar situations. One solution may be to let her go into her own place (though not driving) and keep an eye on her, get her some daily help, again documenting her abilities and inabilities. At some point you could call in social services to do an evaluation of her ability to live alone. I think they willl come into a home. It might be a good idea to consult with them ahead of time. One lady here made such an arrangement knowing that her mil could not survive long on her own, but also knowing that her mil would not go directly into assisted living. Her mil - similar personality to your mum, did move out to an apartment recently. I have not heard more.You do need to make some changes for your own sanity and also for the sake of your family. My mother is like that and I would never take her in. She would ruin my life. She does enough of that anyway even at a distance.
Do what is best for you and your family. It isn't working. A couple of different people here confronted the difficult person in their lives, put pressure on them regarding their negative behaviour, and they moved out. You could make pamphlets of assisted living facilities available to her. She may be bluffing/manipulating saying she would not go into one to force you to take her in, Let her know clearly and firmly that she cannot continue to stay with you, and show her some options.

Good luck and keep us updated Joan

Donna I highly recommend you look for resources that address aging parents with personality disorders or toxic aging parents. Older adults with long standing personality issues can really suck the life out of you. Is her doctor aware of her negative behaviors?

Thanks for the reply emjo. I couldn't agree with you more about the inheritance not being worth it. There is no amount of money worth living with this amount of stress. Mom is the one who uses the money as a reason she wants to stay with me.

The Dr. she has seen for the past 20 or so years is a Geriatric Specialist. She still puts on a really good act for him, and he doesn't seem to take my concerns seriously. I have sent him emails and talked with his nurse regarding her behavior to give him a head's up before the visit, but I'm not convinced he realizes or even cares about how mean spirited she can be.

Her next yearly physical is in April. I am going to attempt to get him to have a private consultation with me during the weeks prior to her appointment. I wish he would be the bad guy instead of forcing me to break the news.

Thanks again. Donna

Donna, you said your mom threatens to revoke your DPOA if pushed. My mom did just that to my son and me. We made the mistake of trying to save her from spending every dime she had and the next thing I got was a letter from her lawyer. She didn't have the common decency to let my son know he was no longer her primary DPOA or executor of her will I was just the alternate but she was taking a stand by paying a lawyer to "get back" at me. This woman was the queen of negativity. Our story ended very sadly. I learned some people can't be saved even from themselves.

@Donna.. (Assisted Living) put yourself and family 1st.. and just be a daughter- not a daily scapegoat-- I am living with my very difficult mom.. and awaiting admission approval for ALF for ALZ (Memory Unit).. I have a lot of stress.. no privacy, and my Son and I are hanging by a thread. She needs a diagnosis.. then start looking.. and move her out! take back your life.. and love your mom from a distance.. its a winwin.

Donna, reading your story is like reading about my every day life. Was your Mom always negative? Mine was so it's not new but having to deal with it in what I'm growing to feel is a captive environment makes it difficult to deal with. I can so relate to your frustrations.

Donna, I believe the negative stuff is to get attention. My mother is the queen of negative, has been all of her life. She can't stand someone getting more attention than her and loves to ruin any happy moment. She thinks everything is about her so she doesn't care if you happiness is spoiled.

And I do feel sorry for you having to live with this. I can't visit my mother due to the negativity. No matter what I say, she is just waiting to shoot me down. Loves it.

At this moment mom is mad because I have not been to visit her in a long time. I have asked her to come spend the winters with me in Florida. No, she gives every excuse known to man. However, she wants me to get on a plane (400.00 for a ticket) and rent a car (she won't let me use her car) and stay two, maybe three days.

About 6 months ago I called her up and told her that since my husband was busy working overtime on a project at work, I would fly up and stay a few weeks, maybe a month. I told my husband, "now let's see how long it takes for it to get back to me that she doesn't want me". It took two days, two days. She changed the story to I was coming for two months and what would she do with me???

What she wants is the negative story that no one loves HER, wants to visit HER, and she wants to call attention to herself. This past weekend she told me how lonely she is and how everyone has forgotten about her (not true). I said well mom, you have a few options. Live with me part of the year, go to assisted living and have a few friends, or go to church and make friends. She said, "I don't care anything about making friends with a bunch of old women".

Yikes, see what I mean. I feel for you, you need to get away from your mom. These types will suck you dry and they don't care.

Donna, we have a client that had her daughter not able to leave her own home. The daughter was running to help her mom that she moved into her own home, the mother had her thinking she could not walk, she could not come down the stairs, that she needed her at ever beck and call, and the daughter was running taking her whatever she needed doing everything for her until one day the daughter had went out shopping for the first time in months and came back early and found mother downstairs in the frig. The daughter did not say a thing she snapped a pic called her sister and brother (she had them all fooled). They contacted a facility ALF and that is where mother is at today! You have to look at you and your family you do have a life and if you don't want to place her then get a sitter and take time out for family and fun. If not you will become your mother's daughter if you know what I mean:( Be Blessed and I will be praying for you!

Why don't you just be honest with her and tell her nicely you do not appreciate her constant negativity and will not tolerate it in your home. Let her know you will not be held hostage to an inheritence. Give her the option to either get counseling to deal with her negativity or find an alternative place to live. In the mean time do not react to her negative comments, just walk away. She finds fault with the meals you cook, tell her she doesn't have to eat it, she can cook herself. Do not let one person destroy the happiness of so many others. The needs of the many, out weigh the needs of the one!

Wow, Lilymae, that is a great story. I see some of this in my mother too. Manipulation.

Donna, one statement you made, "It is impossible to ignore". Exactly. That is her intent. I really like Lillymae's comments. Maybe an ALF in your mom's future?

I am a only child also of a very negative mom. She is now in a nursing home has been for 2 months. For your best interest and that of your family you really need to investigate other options. Bless your heart ((hugs)) these are not easy times at all. I have been in therapy, put on an antidepressants and made my family miserable on and off for the last 15 years.My kids do not have anything to do with my Mom because she is so negative. My mom and I have finally since she has been in the NH learned to like each other again. It took all the medical pressure off me,but mentally it has been a challenge. This weekend was the first weekend I have not been called....Yay !! She seems to be adapting. This site is an awesome site for venting and advice.Good Luck and take care of yourself.

My brother said something today that really nailed how things are with negative people. He was talking about my mother and said that she was never content with anybody or anything that was done. He said that she had been that way at least 30 years. I wanted to say if it had taken him that long to notice. I have been seeing it for 60 years in her.

His idea of not being content rang true. It made me think that some people have a deep-seated lack of contentment -- nothing is ever right for them. If others are in the same boat as me, I spend way too much of my time trying to make her content with different things. But she is never content, though she will tell you she has always had a happy life. Sometimes she will say something is fine with her, then two days later she will say she wants to change it because it is not fine at all. She feels the same way about people. They are never good enough and don't do anything right. The idea about discontent makes everything make sense.

My mother is a very negative person, always has been. She had a troubled childhood that has deeply affected her to this day, 76 years later. That being said, I do understand why she feels the way she does. However, negativity is a choice. It is easy to be negative. We are surrounded by it in this dark world. But we can take the high road and work to be positive instead of negative. I think that is the real problem with negative people like my mother. There is a lot of constant work involved in being a positive person and they simply do not want to do the work! They are aging, they are tired, they are depressed-- the daily depression they live under is like a heavy burden that they are so worn out from carrying that they believe they cannot even begin to use their mental energy in a new, brighter direction. It is simply more comfortable for them to be negative because it is familiar. I have tried for many years to encourage my mother to be more positive. She has lived with me and my family for nearly 20 years now, becoming increasingly darker over time. She recently had some health issues that put her first in the hospital, then in rehab. She was gone from home for 3 months. I actually saw her attitude become more positive and appreciative while she was in rehab. The doctors there came up with a combination of pain meds that actually manage her pain better than it has ever been previously managed. I often wondered if part of my mother's attitude problem was due to her chronic pain. But once she came home, I quickly realized that her negativity was truly a choice, not pain-induced.
It is extremey difficult to live with this type of person and not be affected to some degree. To keep my sanity, I limit the time I spend around her. She is lonely and frustrated and I feel bad for her. But she has allowed all former friendships to die and refuses to cultivate any new ones. I can't fix her life-long negative attitude. I set parameters and I stick to them. I leave the house periodically to have a couple of hours to myself (so refreshing). When I am at home, I spend spare moments reading, as a mini-escape. I focus on cleaning, cooking and organizing. If I put all of my focus on her, her negativity will eat away at me like acid. So this is what I do to stay as positive as I can in currently unchangeable circumstances.

Donna, you did receive some great advice in above posts. I'm sorry you are going through this; I can empathize with what you are going through. It is unfortunate that your mother will not take medication if she were diagnosed with depression or a personality disorder. My mother never would until she was living in a NH and diagnosed with various mental disorders.

I can relate to the negativity and it is so stressful to deal with on a daily basis. My mother never lived with me; so my heart goes out to you and your family. After a proper diagnosis; the medication helped my mother tremendously - even with the negativity. She was in and out of the hospital frequently and the doctors often would take her off certain meds. - and when she returned to the NH - it was back to square one. They should never take patients off meds. when they don't know the patient. Anyway - she was back on her meds at the NH and it proved how much she required this medication to get her back to a more "normal" state.

I found you cannot possibly make a negative person happy - no matter where they are living. But, proper medication can help. It can give the person a better quality of life and the family as well. Hugs to you and hope her doctor will cooperate and listen to you. You are a wonderful daughter - take care.

Yes, the discontent is true. Same with my mother. Never happy, no one can make her happy (and she feels they should). It all comes down to entitlement. What are we entitled to in our lives? A truly selfish person feels they are entitled to far more than most of us. Therefore, they are unhappy and unhappy with all of the people they feel should be making them happy.

My daughter and I each sent my mother a nice box of chocolates for valentine's day. Expensive ones I would never eat myself. She told me how much she liked them and how she sat down with her chocolate and listened to her new CD player with her new Andy Williams CD (all were bought by my brother and I) and she said, "I was happy, at least for a little while." As we say in the Catholic faith, "Offer it Up".

Oh, Madge. I love that qualifier you mother added "...at least for a little while." With those few words she zapped anything said before them. :S

I do feel my Mom's negative comments are to provoke me as she wants attention, even negative attention. I generally ignore her until she starts berating my children or grandchildren and then I cut her off at the pass. No way am I going to let her get by with that. IF I respond, she will cry and say I hurt her feelings. I tell her she's not the ONLY one with feelings and she hurts my feelings all the time. Then she'll say ..."FINE! I'm not going to say ONE WORD, Not going to talk! ..." ... so I say, okay, that's fine with me.

I don't think the negativity accomplishes much of anything. My mother has been pretty nice the past few days. Tonight at dinner, though, I looked at her and saw her face looked like a raging bull. Then she started crying in her angry way. She started saying bad things about my cousin (her nephew), who had been nothing but good to her. I told her not to dare turn on him like that. She only talked worse about him until I told her I didn't want to hear another thing bad about him. He didn't do a thing wrong to earn it. I have seen abrupt behavior changes before, but nothing this fast and deep. He was a golden boy to her and just like that, he became dirt. She did it all in her mind. (He is a golden boy, good to the core.)

Thanks so much to all for these answers, they have all been helpful, and I am considering many of the suggestions. I hope to start with consultation (me alone) with her primary care/gerontologist.

I agree that a lot of this is for the attention. I can't understand why anyone would prefer negative attention over positive, but she looks far more satisfied when she has ruined a happy moment, than when we are praising her for a positive action.

In my entire adult life I have shown nothing but respect for my parents. To me It just does not feel right to argue with a parent once you are an adult. It breaks my heart to be forced into this role. The guilt is horrible when I have to be firm, or show impatience, though I know that for her own good we can't go along with some of her capers.

I am learning that making a firm statement such as "I don't agree" and walking away, or even saying nothing just leaving the room works far better than allowing her the satisfaction of watching me have a melt down.

Thanks again to all who have offered suggestions and allowed me to vent.

Hello Donna, I feel your pain and understand how difficult it is at times for negative thoughts to fill your home...I am a caregiver for my mother-in-law who is 84 and legally blind...While she lead a happy Christian home her dementia and age has created a place of fear, worry and doubt.. I am thankful that my husband and I are together in trying to keep a positive loving home.
When Mother begins to speak negative we end her statement with "And thats the way I want it." It is a great tool to make her think of how her negativity is affecting herself and others around her. The second think my husband and I remind each other is that while she is 84 she is now reverting back to a child mentality (sometimes selfish, demanding and I'll do it myself syndrome)...this works for me since I know I am now the parent....Hope this helps

I am very sorry to hear of your problems. Please know she is not alone. My mother has been gettign worse with the negativity as the years go on. Mom is now in hospice care and still complaining about everything .. no matter what I do it is wrong. The weather is too cold or too hot. the food is always bad or cold, pilolows too hard or too soft, it is never ending here as well. No matter what I do she is unhappy and ungreatful and negative, no matter what even turn a funny joke into a dreadful story..... I am being told by some that this is getting worse because of the dimentia being scared, feeeling alone, etc... Good Luck..God Bless...

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL...
...TOLERATED BY SOCIETY
...ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY
...CONDONED BY SOCIETY
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS...
...OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT IT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE TO OTHERS
...EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING INDEFINITELY
...CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF
...JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO....
...BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE
...HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE OR RIGHT TO RUN HER OWN LIFE OR MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS
...BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF ANOTHER
...HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICE
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .
SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !

I was so glad to come across this topic. My mother has destroyed my soul. She was a woman addicted to having babies and was suttle in her neglect and abuse of her 11 children. My father, her husband died over 20 years ago and since that time she has never reconciled his death in her life. She became desperate of the aloneness and worked 2 jobs, over 60 hours a week for 25 years after that, still neglecting her adult children and her grandchildren. Now that she is 77 and retire she says she has 'no reason to live' even though we have all tried to include her in our lives and her grandchildren's lives. She should have gone for counseling but has the attitude of 'what good does it do to 'stir the pot'. Over the past 3 years or so I have taken her traveling to see her son in CA and her sister in FL, I used to go to her house and spend the day with her, take her shopping or out to lunch, buy her flowers and help her with sprucing up her garden, but she has become so evil and negative in her relationship and conversation with me that I can no longer take it. I haven't seen her in over a year. I also have recently been triggered to remember the abuse from her and my father in my childhood and have gotten brave enough to confront her about it. She denies everything and has become so mean to me saying things like 'look at you, what have you done with your life, nothing' and 'your sick', etc. that I can't take it anymore. It is so sad. I think she has some dementia and depression and also heavy metal toxicity (tell tale sign of black line at top ridgeline of teeth and gums). She is lucid in her depth of conversations to be smart enough to choose what she says so I don't think it's all dementia, its mostly meanness. I have had to cut her off completely as she has hurt me so bad. I miss having a mother. Other family members don't see it. They just say, 'she's getting old'. NO!! not an excuse for meanness. There is no excuse for choosing meanness! I believe we all need to protect ourselves from abuse, even from our parents, even though we wish they would change, even though its so sad.

I have very few visitors. When I do -- Mom monopolies the conversation. I heard from an old friend that I had not seen in 5 years and she came out to see me today. Mom did not miss ONE word of our conversation with each other for the entire four hours my friend was here. We even went outside and Mom followed us out there. And she told my friend about my minor medical problems. She also started talking about day time talk shows where 'those black women don't know who are the true fathers of their babies.' My friend is white but was in an interracial marriage and has three beautiful children.

Just kill me now.

Thanks once again for all of the helpful answers. Just a few updates. Mom's Dr. did not agree to meet with me alone, but did address a few issues I sent in an email. He convinced her to go back on a low dose anti-depressant and it has calmed her some. She obsesses less over some things, but still enjoys spoiling happy moments.

One evening last week my husband and I were sitting outside enjoying a beautiful day, looking at the flowers, birds and beauty of spring. Out comes the black cloud. nitpicking anything she could find, an uneven spot in the yard where a shrub used to be, a few weeds along the fence, a spot or two of peeling paint on the foundation anything to spoil the mood. I said Mom look around and find something pretty to enjoy. The azaleas are in full bloom, the weather is perfect, it's fun to watch the baby squirrels, she immediately finds something ugly to point out for every positive thing I say.

Yesterday my husband and I went out and planted a few flowers and a gorgeous hydrangea. Mom pokes her head out the door just long enough to express her opinion that hydrangea doesn't look good in the place we chose.

I know this sounds petty but she is relentless, just totally refuses to allow a single second of happiness to go uninterrupted by her poison. Our children don't want to bring their kids around, and I don't blame them. She is toxic!

I try so hard to find her positive traits, but it is getting harder and harder as the negativity gets worse. When I lose patience and snap at her for being so negative she turns on the tears. There's no doubt she has dementia, but no problem remembering all of the bad stuff!