I'm at a loss as many here are at times. I took on the responsibility of caring for my mom when my brother and his wife treated her poorly during her time with them. Our agreement was to swap out every 6 months so she could stay in a home environment but they listened in on her phone conversations, would not include her in discussions with her doctor and did not want her which became obvious at the onset. After a few months they tell me she'd be much happier living with me and they proceed to buy a plane ticket for her without even coordinating a date with me. Needless to say, my resentment has built up and I want nothing to do with either one of them and they are not welcome in my home. Long story, short--I've been pretty much unable to get my mom to get involved with our local senior center and they're an adult 'daycare' nearby as well. She will go out to have her nails done very 6 weeks or so and occasionally go out to brunch at a local diner. All day long she sits with the TV on & sound muted and I play country music for her on my Amazon Echo while I'm at work during the day. She's taking double or triple the amount of Xanax most take and we tried to reduce her dosage. She claimed the minimally reduced dosage was causing her to panic and not sleep, so it became a hill i wasn't going to die on; she went back to her normal dosage.
She's also pressuring me to get a dog but she drops pills on the floor from time to time and would feed the dog from the table I'm sure when I wasn't home. I'd like a dog but the risk to the dog is too great, so that's out for now. I'm employed full time at a local college in the IT department and my job is stressful & can sometimes require extra hours and/or weekend work. It's all becoming just too overwhelming and would like my life and home back but the guilt of having her move to assisted living also looms.
At first I thought maybe take baby steps: get her to go to the 'day care' twice a week so she can interact and be in a more social environment and then approach moving to a nearby facility later. In fact, I had a visit all set up at the adult daycare, when 2 days before we were to visit she told me she didn't want to go, ugh! Now I'm also considering retiring from work either later this year or next and there's no way I want to stay home while she just sits, doesn't do the minimum pedaling exercises or use her spirometer. I even set up exercise reminders on the Echo but she just ignores them, except the reminders that tell her when to take her meds. I don't have any family support, but I've set up 2 caregivers to bathe her twice a week and they're here for a couple of hours during each visit. One in particular she's very fond of.
She's lucid but her memory is failing to be sure. I guess the question I'm asking is: How can I approach a woman who lives in a cocoon, and actually does like people, to take a chance and go to daycare OR to consider visiting an assisted living facility nearby. I've been working with her primary doctor somewhat but she's adamant against anything social or that may help her quality of life. I'm drained and am ready to give her an ultimatum to either participate in the adult daycare program or we'll start visiting living facilities. She'll resist both vehemently, but maybe less so with the daycare. She has minimum assets so I'm not sure what's available for her in Vermont where I live. Sorry this was so lengthy, but I wanted to try and paint an accurate picture of my situation. Thanks for any advice.