Mom is in NH. I feel guilty if I do not go to see her a lot. Any advice?

You have to take that guilt, put it in a bag and shoot it. I have 3 older siblings. At first, it was just me and another sibling doing it all. The other sisters who were more equipped to handle things were never available and lived nearby. What I have learned (especially from advice in this group) is that nobody is obligated to do anything they don't want to do (this includes you). Your sister isn't obligated, you aren't obligated -- it's all about whoever CHOOSES. You live far, you seem like you have your plate full as it is -- you cannot stretch your limits or you'll be sacrificing your quality of life, as well as your children and grandchildren. Every other week is fine. That's what my siblings do. My mother now lives with me, I take care of her -- but it's no sweat off my back because I am able to do so since I work full time at home and my partner is here to help when she is not working. So we are OKAY and we CHOOSE this.

Anyway, please don't put the burden of guilt upon yourself. You've done a lot already and you still make time to see her. I think you're doing alright. Give yourself some credit.

{{hugs}}

Chincoteague, one thing that stood out in your post was "Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types." Well, that also means your *perfect* sister wasn't able to get Mom to receive any type of help, either.

You wrote that your sister and her husband couldn't be bothered helping your Mom, could it be that they just gave up? Even your Dad couldn't help your Mom. Looked like everyone, including you, was on the same page.

Maybe it is time to start mending those fences with your sister, you could have more in common than you think.... wouldn't it be great if the two of you could visit Mom at the nursing home together for Mother's Day.

You do not need to feel guilty. Guilt is a cancer of the soul.

Thank you all who answered. To freqflyer, there is way more to the story than I care to get into. As it would be nice to visit Mom together. Not going to happen. I reached out to her and was shot down. Will not put myself in that situation again. For the record, her and her hubby did not do anything to help my mom. They sure did call me to handle everything because as I said, they could not be bothered. Thank you though for the input. You sound a lot like my sister?

Do you mean that your sister has tried to mend fences with you? Trying to decipher what the last line of your post to FF meant.

Holding on to anger at others only hurts you.

Don't feel guilty and don't feel any obligation to try to mend fences with a sister who can't be bothered. Just let it all go and get on with your life, surrounded by people who love you and accept you. You've done more than your share. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Answer to your question is no, you select a good level of involvement that gives you and Mom maximum comfort and what you are doing it probably just fine. A few unpredictable visits now and then are said to be good for making sure care is good not just when they know you are coming.

But, it does sound like that you have some hard places in your heart where others hurt you deeply...I hope they heal! So sorry things were unfair and you were the one who had to notice things were wrong and get care organized without help and support. Give a thought as to what their point of view might have been - maybe just uncaring, or maybe something else...maybe they feel more comfortable blaming you for "putting Mom in a home" rather than admitting the did not recognize the decline, or just could not emotionally handle the decline.

Parents who play favorites have no idea of the damage, hurt and harm they cause both the favored and the unfavored child!

Thank you blannie!!! Feel the hugs. Needed that. To Bablou, I reached out to my sister after our Dad passed. She was not having it. There is a lot of history there with my Mom, me and my sister. A lot of the bad stuff was caused by Mom, in her right mind. She is a very domineering woman who is always right. Now shehas Dementia.
Anyway, I just wanted advice about feeling guilty about going to see my Mom at NH. Thanks to all.

Chin, you've done your job! You've kept your mom safe and appropriately cared for. Visiting is nice, but in your situation, it sounds as if it's not easy because a. You are relatively far away and b. It's painful for you due to history. So let it go. But also try to let go of the anger at your sister. Parents who overtly play favorites sometimes must think this will keep their children from ganging up on them. Let me tell you, when I get old, I want my three kids pulling together, not in three different directions!

chinco (((((((hugs))))))) I know the scene and hear you about your sister. My sis is the golden girl too and am the one who is expected to "serve". You are visiting often enough. You need and deserve your own life, your grandchildren, your "me" time, Please ditch the guilt. It serves no good purpose. Look after you.

Should you feel guilty? No. But you do anyway: that's the problem.

What about thinking in more detail about how you feel when you take time out from visiting your mother to do other things, for yourself, for your grandchildren, for any activity in fact that you enjoy more - what is the guilt all about? Does it really feel as though you're doing something wrong? Or are you afraid of something: what she might say to you about it, what might be happening to her when you're not looking (nothing will be happening - we just suffer terrible imaginings), some other fear based on lifelong (and probably erroneous) beliefs about yourself and what sort of person you are..?

You're actually a person who has done a great deal for little appreciation or feedback from your mother. You are, indeed, not guilty. But if the feelings still bother you, find a counsellor, therapist or even trusted friend who can help you figure them out.

I don't want to comment on your mother. I don't know the lady, for one thing; but what's much more important is that, clearly, whether or not we care for our parents has almost nothing to do with what they're like and almost everything to do with what we are like. Some lovely people are ignored and exploited by their children. Some monsters are still lovingly cared for by abused but devoted children. Deserving don't seem to come into it - it's down to the willingness and ability of the caregiver.

Thank you Babalou and emjo23. I am overwhelmed with the positive responses. They have really helped me feel better. I am somewhat new to this forum and hope I can help someone someday.
Thanks to my first response The Boogs. You made me laugh!! Thanks. This feels good.

Chincoteague, you did the right thing. You got Mother the care she needs. So how come you feel guilty if you did the right thing? Sigh. Because guilt isn't logical. Sometimes it is appropriate and serves a good purpose. But sometimes it isn't and doesn't. This is one of those times.

If you can't shake the guilt at least push it to the far back in your mind. Don't let it drive your decisions.

Every-other week sounds like a good visiting schedule to me. Or once a month might work well.

Thank you Countrymouse and jeannegibbs. All these responses are helping. Appreciate everyone's thoughts and input.

Once a month sounds real good!!!!

Chinco Let's look at you.

What would you do if no guilt was attached? Would you visit her once a month just to check all was well and she was being treated right? Or not at all. Whatever works for YOU is the issue/

More's to the point in the same situation what would your mum do for you? How often would she visit you (and be nice)

You have no need to ever feel guilt about what YOU do with YOUR life unless its something really stoopid! Go visit when you want to and be nice and if she's nasty just leave. You are not the child you once were even if it still feels the same.

Care is not a duty to be foisted on the one who caves in to browbeating first and it seems like you bore the brunt of that. Time to stand up and brush that dust off gal...if your siblings don't like it tell them to do one. Take back the control of YOUR life. What will be will be and as the dementia progresses it is doubtful she will know you are you anyway. If the siblings ring you to moan ...hang up on them and then sit with a cuppa and just imagine their faces that their sibling could actually HANG UP ON THEM....grins and huge hugs. PS I find vasline on the shoulders helps those little conscience devils lose their footing and s;ip right off

Guilt what's that? Just chuck it out the window and slam it down fast. You have done the best you can that is what matters. Whether you feel guilty or she could care less is not important. Draw a line and move forward. never helps to waste time on regrets.

Chincotdeaque - gosh, don't feel guilty at all. You have set up a very reasonable schedule for your visits and it's time to go on with your life. You have done plenty, without any appreciation. The right thing now is to do the right thing for YOU.

Thanks all. Every day gets better and better!

Chin, I wish you were my sister. I have 2, plus 2 brothers. None of them visits mom even 1X per YEAR. It is about every 3-5 YEARS. You have nothing to worry about. There are millions of seniors in NH's who have NO visitors. You are an angel to visit every other week. Oh what I would give, and more importantly, what my mother would give, if all her kids would do as you are. Thank you for honoring and respecting your mother, and setting a good example for your own kids.

I support you, also. Does your mom call you a lot? I try to send mine little things in the mail. But, I never hear from her. (We are in different states.)

Thank you malloryg8r.

Let's reframe what you are perceiving as guilt.

You didn't do anything wrong, immoral, or illegal, so guilt is not necessary.
I think we mislabel a ball of very complicated feelings as guilt.

Remorse there are no other options now.
Regret that the wrongs done to you in the past can't be made right.
Frustration.
Grief that there are no more opportunities to fix the relationship.
Dismay that it's going to end without any sense of satisfaction.
Anger over what you missed in a close mother/daughter relationship.
Disappointment
Loss over what will never be
And so on.

I don't believe it's as simple as vanilla guilt. Guilt is something you can get past through penance, compensation, and restitution. This kind of situation will not be repaired by any of those measures.

You have to make your visit schedule work for your life, not the other way around. You have to prioritize your obligations, family, house tasks, and even your own down time. Leaving out down time will be a big mistake for your health & well being.

There is no one right answer for how often is correct. It changes over time and will be whatever you need it to be.
I hope this helps.

Yes, actually your response has helped. You are correct in the way I feel in that
I cannot resolve matters with my Mom. It will end without any satisfaction on my part by telling her how she made me feel all these years. You hit the nail on the head there. I do have remorse in that I should have spoken for myself instead of going along with everything and trying to keep the peace. That was my big mistake and the reason my sis and I do not speak. Thank you!!

I found that writing it all down really helped me.
Letting the raw unedited feelings come out without judgement is very liberating.
Somehow, even though nothing changed in the world, I felt stronger after.
A thesaurus was a key part of this process!

One of the big ones that was profound for me was "I despise your purposeful helplessness." And "I am furious that you denied your own strength all these years so that I had to carry you."

You said it. You seem very wise. Appreciate it. Thanks!
I myself have done very extensive soul searching and I do like me.
Again, you have helped me!

You should feel guilty and assumed all I here is poor me give it a brake yes your life is full because you filled it I am not saying your mother dose not get good care in her nursing home I am saying she needs her family you are full hate for your mother if you loved any one you mom dad sis or bro once you would be calling her and visiting but no your a poor me personwho will find your self in her spot some day bbecause your children and family are learning from you how to be me me s as for her talking love has no words and in your mind set you will only hear the word in your mind

In shock cattgoodness that you should say this. Chinco DOES visit her mother every other weekend. There is another sibling so we should consider that Mum is getting visited every weekend which is quite a lot for most people in a nursing home. In all honesty given the background I would think Chinco has done an amazing job in forgiving her mother for treating her differently from her sibling and has made every effort to make sure her mum is cared for - something her 'perfect' sibling seems not to have done.
Chinco had turned the other cheek and had it slapped. Her sister lived next door and did nothing - does she have a right to be angry - yes she does and yet she still did her best by her mum Well done Chinco you have a wonderful family that you clearly devote your time to - that your mother isnt totally in that frame isnt YOUR fault its HERS not recently but over a long long period of time.

Having been angry there and I make no apology for that, I thought it would be a good time to remind us all that this is a SUPPORT network. It says quite clearly at the top Home » Caregiver Support » Emotional Wellbeing » Questions ». Now someone who is brave enough to ask a question needs support and while we may or may not agree with what they are doing we should endeavour to get people to understand what support they may need to help them to get back on track again.

In Chincos case this doesnt apply as far as I personally am concerned; my heart goes out to her, for she must have constantly been in turmoil, battling one side of her thoughts against the other.

Please can we offer support and guidance not anger. And Cat, while I absolutely defend your right to comment I defend mine to disgaree wholeheartedly (and then some)

Let me be clear cattgoodness; I have no comment to you. I do not feel the need to explain anything to you.
I just wanted advice and thoughts. And thank you JudeAH53 for your support! I appreciate it very much!