My Mom's husband won't stop the sexual advances when she is sick she confided in me. What should I do?

The person who needs the most help here is your Mom's husband. How very insensitive of him making sexual advances while she is ill. I noticed in your profile you said he spends a lot of time on the computer, makes me wonder what he is looking at, and now wants to act out what he saw.

If he refuses to get help, then maybe it is time for your Mom to live somewhere else.

As for your Mom talking to her doctor, is her doctor male? Probably the reason she will clam up about talking about this. Does your Mom have a GYN? If that doctor is female, maybe she will be more opt to talk about the issue.

Overwhelm, don't be stressed -it is was it is and dealing with this issue is very difficult - however your Mom told you about it because it upset her - and you are dealing with it and correct to do so. Many married couples settle into a routine over the years and have their own expectations and rituals for all of the aspects of their marriage and that includes sex. Talking about sex is not something that most elders do easily so the fact that your Mom told you probably means it is very upsetting to her, her not talking about it further or downplaying it is probably because it is difficult for her to do. Her illness is one that she is not able to do things she once could and that is hard for anyone to accept.
You have set some gears in motion and I would just see what comes, talk frankly to the nurse and try to encourage your Mom to do the same. If it is difficult to get Mom to his doctor without step dad, go yourself, be honest to the doctor and see what he has to say.
On first reading your post, my initial reaction was that your step dad was a "dirty old man" and that indeed may not be the case, he is her husband and sex has been a part of their life - if he is still "able" and they are living as man and wife, he may feel that it is his "right" to ask for sex and it may be, BUT it is not right to demand it or to nag her while she is not feeling well until she feels she has to give in.

Once you have the input from here, the nurse and step dad's doctor you will be able to decide whether it is time to talk to Step Dad and or his family or to further monitor the situation or to let it go for now. I would also try to talk to Mom to get some further info - does he do this daily, weekly - etc, what does he do when she tells him (if she does) no - does she want to end their sex life - if so that is something he needs to know and deal with on his own terms. Are they both okay'ed by their doctors to have sex? Is step dad on the very popular (with men)
Viagra or something similar?

In the end, this will need to be something that your Mom decides but I would just be her advocate and collect as much info as possible to help her make a good decision. However, I would also be prepared to have to accept the status quo as unless they have a really great marriage and are able to communicate well, this could by her choice just to continue to go on rather than to talk it out with him.

Good luck - one of the toughest aging care issues out there.

Good

Step dad needs some extra special pain introduced into his life. That kind of behavior is scociopathic. If mom is too afraid to confront him or refuse to take part in his sex games, someone should make this stop. Will she let you intervene on her behalf? Would this creep hurt you or mom if things boil over?

I'm not sure of the details of your situation. Are you living in their home, or are they living with you? How long have they been together? How are these shenanigans going on with you in the house? Is step dad experiencing some cognitive issues? He is certainly lacking in empathy and good judgment. Perhaps you can arrange a little vacation for step dad away from both of you, a visit with his kids perhaps? Or frankly if this is your home just kick him out! Mom sounds as though she is used to being dominated and just doesn't want to rock the boat. Where I come from no means NO, even among married couples.

Overwhelm your mother must be at her wit's end to have confided this even to you. The reason she downplays it to others is, I'm so sorry to say, shame. It's a very, very painful situation.

There is quite a lot of material around, much of it aimed at young women but still highly relevant, about learning to respect and assert your self sexually. She needs strategies to use when she's at a loss for insisting that he respect her absolute right to refuse sexual contact *of any kind* when she doesn't want it. Plus, this will kill her marriage if she doesn't take control of it. Does she like him otherwise? Or does she want out?

It is very frustrating, saddening, and ego-deflating for the well spouse to suddenly find himself or herself in a sexless marriage. I know. Your mother's husband could certainly do it himself, but apparently he wants some intimacy, some very personal connection to his wife. I don't know what "pressure" he is trying to apply. Obviously he should not pursue something that is so distressing to her. But a husband wanting intimacy with his wife is not exactly a capital offense.

The Michael J Fox Foundation recommends discussing how the Parkinson's disease is impacting the sex life with the doctor who is treating the disease. I suggest that your mom and her husband seek relationship counseling together. I take it this is not about a week when Mother is feeling ill, but about the rest of their lives together. She is not going to get well from having Parkinson's. Having an open discussion about this with a trained objective therapist might help them to deal with this most distressing situation.

You were with her at this most recent doctor appointment. How did the doctor react to her concerns about her husband's sexual advances?

Her husband "forgets" his promise to stop sexual touching? Does he have cognitive impairment of some kind? What is his health status.

Let me ask you this, and please consider it carefully: If this were your mother and father instead of your mother and her husband, would your attitude be any different?

I am really saddened that nearly everyone reacts as if the husband is a "dirty old man" and the villain. The villain here is the disease! Parkinson's often diminishes the sex drive. If the husband has some cognitive issues too, that is a factor.

There will be an outreach nurse visit. That sounds good. But I still say that the couple should visit a therapist TOGETHER, so they both get the same messages about the changes their health will have on their intimate life.

I agree, Jeanne. I'm sympathetic to the feelings of a child who's having to cope with the very concept of her parent ever having had an s.e.x. life (eeuw!), let alone a new one with someone who isn't her father; but the right kind of intimacy is not only a key part of marriage, it's potentially beneficial to Overwhelm's mother's own quality of life too. So absolutely - the focus needs to be on achieving that right kind of intimacy, rather than chasing the stepdad away with a horsewhip.

Not that that's easy, alas. I'm glad the professionals are on board now, too.

Wow. My mom was very cold to my dad sexually, which is sad, and later on she actually accused him of being abusive towards her (non-sexually) but actually yelled at HIM pretty much full time. She had some kind of a barrier to expressing physical affection or even saying "I love you" and was actually somewhat scornful of people who did a lot of that. It is hard to know which person has the greater problem going on, but if the concern is expressed you are right to raise it to the attention of people who could help sort it out, bearing in mind there are two sides of the story.

LoveLucy, vaginal bleeding post menopause is a serious danger sign...well, you probably know that - I hope you can get her in to have it checked out.