My Mom's husband won't stop the sexual advances when she is sick she confided in me. What should I do?

Erm I havent read everything (just being honest) but it seems to me this needs to be formally reported. If he is making unwanted advances and especially if he is insisting on sexual activity when she is ill (aka vulnerable) then this is a clear situation of abuse the guidelines are very clear here and there is a duty to report if SUSPECTED check you local guidelines on reporting abuse. You may not WANT to but I think in some states it is a LEGAL REQUIREMENT that you do.

Consider this - if you BELIEVE a child was being abused sexually by another person you would report it immediately? right? It is no different when someone is too ill to say no or too frightened to say no. If you look up my response to terrified on abuse you will see what the guidleines for Georgia say

LoveLucy, vaginal bleeding post menopause is a serious danger sign...well, you probably know that - I hope you can get her in to have it checked out.

I find it interesting how our own experiences and preconceptions have played out in this discussion. As others have pointed sexual intimacy can and should still be part of a marriage into very old age if both find satisfaction from it. However when a woman reaches out for help she needs to be taken seriously, whether she is young and single or old and married. When one partner forces unwanted attention on the other, especially if causing physical pain, they are either a bully and probably always have been, or are suffering from cognitive decline and can't understand that it is inappropriate. Either way I think that the solution is to deny the aggressor the opportunity to harass their partner. They may need separate bedrooms at home with a lock on the door, or they may need to live apart. No amount of logic will influence either a bully or someone with dementia.

You need to visit the Doctor with your mother together and talk the situation out.
On having sex the older some people get the more some enjoy making Love
But it must be a two way win win and it sounds as if your mother is being abused.
Bless You
Kevin

You think you have a problem, my parents are 88 and my Father still expects my Mother to have sex with him 3 times a week..She told me that she was bleeding down there last week and wanted to see the Doctor..He is so controlling My Mother gave me her Power of Attorney so that I can front him about it..he just laughed at me and said "she is my wife" and I will do want I want..

I'm an only child BTW. :-)

Seriously. Mom kept a box of Norforms and somehow I don't think that by itself would have stopped any brothers or sisters from coming along otherwise. I now that's TMI, but there it is, I'm needing to vent today I guess!

Wow. My mom was very cold to my dad sexually, which is sad, and later on she actually accused him of being abusive towards her (non-sexually) but actually yelled at HIM pretty much full time. She had some kind of a barrier to expressing physical affection or even saying "I love you" and was actually somewhat scornful of people who did a lot of that. It is hard to know which person has the greater problem going on, but if the concern is expressed you are right to raise it to the attention of people who could help sort it out, bearing in mind there are two sides of the story.

I would make sure You went to your mothers doctor appointment and explain the situation to the doctor. Even if doctor is male he surely would be supportive.
No the Doctor won't think you have made it up.
Best Wishes
Kevin

I agree, Jeanne. I'm sympathetic to the feelings of a child who's having to cope with the very concept of her parent ever having had an s.e.x. life (eeuw!), let alone a new one with someone who isn't her father; but the right kind of intimacy is not only a key part of marriage, it's potentially beneficial to Overwhelm's mother's own quality of life too. So absolutely - the focus needs to be on achieving that right kind of intimacy, rather than chasing the stepdad away with a horsewhip.

Not that that's easy, alas. I'm glad the professionals are on board now, too.

Her husband "forgets" his promise to stop sexual touching? Does he have cognitive impairment of some kind? What is his health status.

Let me ask you this, and please consider it carefully: If this were your mother and father instead of your mother and her husband, would your attitude be any different?

I am really saddened that nearly everyone reacts as if the husband is a "dirty old man" and the villain. The villain here is the disease! Parkinson's often diminishes the sex drive. If the husband has some cognitive issues too, that is a factor.

There will be an outreach nurse visit. That sounds good. But I still say that the couple should visit a therapist TOGETHER, so they both get the same messages about the changes their health will have on their intimate life.

Overwhelm, you won't have looked foolish at all. Do you really think the doctor won't be wise to patients' being reluctant to be open? On the contrary, I expect the doctor was impressed that you'd persuaded your mother to take the first steps. Well done, be proud of yourself.

So my Step-dads Doctor read the letter phoned and ask my Mom and I to come in we went, my Mom said she had a talk with her husband about the sexual issues, and he said he wouldn't do it anymore and understands that she is sick. My Mom basically downplayed soon as we were in the Doctors office. I looked like a complete idiot the doctor said well maybe we should just keep this on file and can I have permission to talk to your Doctor to my Mom. She said why?? Doctor replied so she knows and can send in a outreach nurse to check on things my Mom panicked and said I don't think that is good Idea. I step in and said yes that would be good because I said her husband many times in the past said he would stop the sexual touching and knows my Mom is sick but forgets and does it again.

Overwhelm, don't be stressed -it is was it is and dealing with this issue is very difficult - however your Mom told you about it because it upset her - and you are dealing with it and correct to do so. Many married couples settle into a routine over the years and have their own expectations and rituals for all of the aspects of their marriage and that includes sex. Talking about sex is not something that most elders do easily so the fact that your Mom told you probably means it is very upsetting to her, her not talking about it further or downplaying it is probably because it is difficult for her to do. Her illness is one that she is not able to do things she once could and that is hard for anyone to accept.
You have set some gears in motion and I would just see what comes, talk frankly to the nurse and try to encourage your Mom to do the same. If it is difficult to get Mom to his doctor without step dad, go yourself, be honest to the doctor and see what he has to say.
On first reading your post, my initial reaction was that your step dad was a "dirty old man" and that indeed may not be the case, he is her husband and sex has been a part of their life - if he is still "able" and they are living as man and wife, he may feel that it is his "right" to ask for sex and it may be, BUT it is not right to demand it or to nag her while she is not feeling well until she feels she has to give in.

Once you have the input from here, the nurse and step dad's doctor you will be able to decide whether it is time to talk to Step Dad and or his family or to further monitor the situation or to let it go for now. I would also try to talk to Mom to get some further info - does he do this daily, weekly - etc, what does he do when she tells him (if she does) no - does she want to end their sex life - if so that is something he needs to know and deal with on his own terms. Are they both okay'ed by their doctors to have sex? Is step dad on the very popular (with men)
Viagra or something similar?

In the end, this will need to be something that your Mom decides but I would just be her advocate and collect as much info as possible to help her make a good decision. However, I would also be prepared to have to accept the status quo as unless they have a really great marriage and are able to communicate well, this could by her choice just to continue to go on rather than to talk it out with him.

Good luck - one of the toughest aging care issues out there.

Good

Yes, if she won't go with you, use the time to explain exactly what you've told us to the doctor and leave it in his/her hands. You can only pass on what you know to people who might be able to help, you can't solve this by yourself. And you won't look like an idiot! - just a caring daughter (that's not the same thing, is it...???!!!).

Thanks Countrymouse and thezookeeper but now the doctor as been calling me to come in for an appointment with my Mom and she doesn't want to go! Now what? I go alone and look like an idiot?

I would tell mom this: You're prepared, ready and able to hold her hand and provide support, so she can discuss this with a counselor, doctor or attorney, but MOM needs to decide what, if anything, she REALLY wants to do about this. You can make suggestions, if you dare take that risk, but I'd stay out of it. Provide an open ear -- that, I think, is really all your mom wants from you.

Your poor mother. If it's the unwanted intimacy that is ruining her marriage for her, and the rest would be good if it weren't blighted like that, perhaps she and your stepfather are among the many, many couples who don't *talk* to each other. I suppose we feel that if you're doing "what comes naturally" - so to speak - then there shouldn't be any need to discuss it or really think about it. Like I'm in any position to criticise! (world's least successful relationship manager, single again, hey ho) - and I'm not criticising or blaming either of them, I'm sure this is a huge problem for so many people.

Nobody's going to think you're making anything up, though - who's going to be surprised if an older lady changes her mind about what she's prepared to discuss with outsiders, or finds it difficult to know whether she wants to carry on her marriage or if it's past repair? I think it's a really good thing that you've at least got the subject talked about and thought about, so well done you. I hope your mother finds advice that helps her, whatever she decides she wants to do.

Country mouse sometimes my Mom wants out! But then she changes her mind.

Yes you are right it has to do with intimacy I also think that but she is sick and keeps telling him that, so he needs to take care of is sexual desires on his own.

jeannegibbs My Mom's Doctor was concern and ask questions my Mom down play it so I spoke up because I just couldn't take it anymore! So now my Mom"s doctor is setting up a referral with an seniors out reach nurse to come see my Mom but not my step-dad? So I wrote a letter to my step dad's doctor with a list of facts and concerns describing what is going on. Had my Mom read it and she sign it, so did I but now my step dad's doctor called and wants to see us but it is very hard to get out of the house without my step dad, and my Mom is down playing it again oh my lord this doctor is going to think I made it all up. Stressed out again.

Countrymouse I think my Mom down plays because she is scared that he will take away her finances of what he gives her, she also feels guilty, she is also very Jealous person.

It is very frustrating, saddening, and ego-deflating for the well spouse to suddenly find himself or herself in a sexless marriage. I know. Your mother's husband could certainly do it himself, but apparently he wants some intimacy, some very personal connection to his wife. I don't know what "pressure" he is trying to apply. Obviously he should not pursue something that is so distressing to her. But a husband wanting intimacy with his wife is not exactly a capital offense.

The Michael J Fox Foundation recommends discussing how the Parkinson's disease is impacting the sex life with the doctor who is treating the disease. I suggest that your mom and her husband seek relationship counseling together. I take it this is not about a week when Mother is feeling ill, but about the rest of their lives together. She is not going to get well from having Parkinson's. Having an open discussion about this with a trained objective therapist might help them to deal with this most distressing situation.

You were with her at this most recent doctor appointment. How did the doctor react to her concerns about her husband's sexual advances?

Overwhelm your mother must be at her wit's end to have confided this even to you. The reason she downplays it to others is, I'm so sorry to say, shame. It's a very, very painful situation.

There is quite a lot of material around, much of it aimed at young women but still highly relevant, about learning to respect and assert your self sexually. She needs strategies to use when she's at a loss for insisting that he respect her absolute right to refuse sexual contact *of any kind* when she doesn't want it. Plus, this will kill her marriage if she doesn't take control of it. Does she like him otherwise? Or does she want out?

What is moms condition medically and mentally? Is she able to stand up for herself at all? Will this guy hurt her if she refuses his sexual advances? How old are they? Are his relatives aware of this issue? You said. Mom can be manipulative. How certain are you that this is really happening?

We are staying on the property in our RV, but her husband is controlling with her in certain ways but she is also very manipulative sometimes and controlling too, with him and me. Sometimes I wonder if she is just wanting attention but then I say to myself of course not who would do such a thing my Mom and I went to the Doctor today and we spoke to her about it my Mom tends to down play things soon as we are in the Doctors office this has happen before in the past but today I didn't let her and her Doctor is now sending the outreach nurse in to access the situation but only for her? I thought they just need to sleep in separate bedrooms for crying out loud! and he needs to be asscessed and his family needs to step up to the plate once and for all!! Before going into her Doctors today while waiting I gave a two page letter of the facts and broad picture of what is happening in the home to his Doctor who happens to be at the same office I had my Mom read it and sign it so that it would be documented on file with his Doctor. I don't know anymore I am so stressed and feeling guilty, depressed. All of you are so helpful it's amazing you have no Idea. A huge thank you! Please keep the advice coming much appreciated. Another question I am not receiving my notification in my email even though I have check it on the list maybe someone knows what the problem is??

I'm not sure of the details of your situation. Are you living in their home, or are they living with you? How long have they been together? How are these shenanigans going on with you in the house? Is step dad experiencing some cognitive issues? He is certainly lacking in empathy and good judgment. Perhaps you can arrange a little vacation for step dad away from both of you, a visit with his kids perhaps? Or frankly if this is your home just kick him out! Mom sounds as though she is used to being dominated and just doesn't want to rock the boat. Where I come from no means NO, even among married couples.

Step dad needs some extra special pain introduced into his life. That kind of behavior is scociopathic. If mom is too afraid to confront him or refuse to take part in his sex games, someone should make this stop. Will she let you intervene on her behalf? Would this creep hurt you or mom if things boil over?

The person who needs the most help here is your Mom's husband. How very insensitive of him making sexual advances while she is ill. I noticed in your profile you said he spends a lot of time on the computer, makes me wonder what he is looking at, and now wants to act out what he saw.

If he refuses to get help, then maybe it is time for your Mom to live somewhere else.

As for your Mom talking to her doctor, is her doctor male? Probably the reason she will clam up about talking about this. Does your Mom have a GYN? If that doctor is female, maybe she will be more opt to talk about the issue.