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You say your mom 'won't let' anyone clean the house? In my world, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter. What's an 88 year old woman going to do? Beat somebody's a**? lol
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I don't understand this. I've watched the show hoarders before. It was...mind blowing. One question I have is how and why these people were ALLOWED, yes, allowed, to come to these conditions. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to sound judgmental, or to guilt anyone. God knows what the details are. I realize that sometimes adult children that live far away have no idea what's going on, but what I'm not understanding, and I really don't because of the way my mind works, is how adult kids that are close by can see this going down and not do anything.. On the show hoarders, adult children either didn't know it was even happening, they lived out of state, or they would say that 'She wouldn't listen', 'She got aggressive', etc, things like that. I'm still not getting the mindset of the adult kids when they make those kind of comments....

My way of dealing with this if I was faced with it is harsh and matter of fact. I've watched hoarders and asked myself what I would do if I was dealing that kind of situation....

If I was out of state, came to see my mother, and saw that she was living in filth, she would be out of there that day. There would be no arguments. There would be no discussion. I wouldn't hear a single word my mother had to say. I would call DSS immediately. I would INSIST that my mother wasn't well, while I pointed at the house. I would state the obvious. That she's living with maggots, and rat poop, and piss, cat poop and dog poop, and no working plumbing.... And I would defy anyone to argu with me that I could NOT have her removed. I would have her removed, one way or the other. I would have her dragged out of that hole kicking and screaming. I would make my contempt well, well know if anybody dared tell me I HAD to leave her there because it was HER decision. Yeah, right. Nobody would tell me that I had to leave my mom in an environment that was clearly sickening, reeked of filth, and was a DANGER to her. Tell me somebody wouldn't put my mom somewhere if I felt she was in danger. I don't care who I'd have to go to, or go through, to reach my goal of removing my mother from such a stinking pit and god help them if they tried to stop me. Oh, there are LAWS you say? In my world, laws can bend. I wouldn't give a tinkers d*mn about any law if I walked into my mother's house and saw her like some of those poor people I've seen on hoarders... I wouldn't give a care what my mom wanted, or said. I don't give a d*mn if she came after me with an ax. I'd overpower her, and she'd still be out of there. That day. One way or the other. I would make sure she saw a shrink, got meds, what the h*ll ever. I would strip hoarding away from her like ripping off a band aid. She'd be in a doctor's care, or in mine. But she never, ever would stay in that house one more minute of one more day, and she could d*mn me to h*ll for all eternity for it. I wouldn't have it. I, ME, and what she wants in such a situation be d*mned. My gut would be screaming like a banshee to get her OUT of there, and come h*ll or high water, that's exactly what would happen, too.

Long before that happened though, I think I'd notice if things, trash, whatever, started piling up. It wouldn't be allowed to continue past a certain point. If I noticed hoarding behavior in my mother getting completely out of hand, we'd go to war. I watch these shrinks on TV trying to be so soothing and understanding, walking away when the hoarder shows aggression, telling them all kinds of worthless bull... If it were my mom, and I noticed all this crap piling up all over the house, that's obviously junk....I'd trash it. I'd go through my mom's house like a tornado and get rid of every d*mn bit of it myself. Oh, she's going to object to me getting rid of junk and trash? Sucks for her, doesn't it? I'd do it anyway. Oh, she's going to scream and cry? Ah well, she'll get over it. No, if I see my mother, or any other loved one, engaging in dangerous behavior, living in such a way that's harmful to themselves, well, I'm taking over on the spot. To me, only me, it's the only option. I'm not wasting time discussing it, or worry about my mom's mental state, let the doc handle it...as far as I'm concerned anyone acting like a hoarder and the house is in utter chaos and filth, there's nothing to discuss in my opinion. They're out of there, and clean up begins. Immediately. The end.

That's me. And yes, my mom was prone to bringing home all kinds of crap that people left behind in her rental properties, nothing but endless junk. Even when I wasn't living with her I tossed it. The minute she wasn't looking. The end. If she asked for it...well, d*mned if I know what happened to that mess... *snickers* Problem solved.

I think, and it's just an opinion, that sometimes drastic measures are called for, and people should learn to be more assertive and yeah, aggressive, if need be to help loved ones. Better that than the alternative.
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You speak the truth JessieBell. I am well acquainted with this type of situation. What most don't realize is that hoarders wield an incredible amount of psychological power over their families and have done so their whole lives. If this were not true, they never would end up living in the conditions they do because someone would take charge, clean it out, tell them how it "has to be".....that doesn't work with crazy people (no offense meant). Adult children in such a situation have been conditioned to not even try or to know if they do try they risk the parent cutting them off like Jessie Bell said. Then how will they help their parent?

Anyway scratchiecat, my practical advice is to evaluate how bad things are and to figure out a scale of ever stronger steps of intervention to take. You don't have to start with a call to the fire department for example - simply a threat to call in APS might be enough. You could start with telling your mother that if she does not allow positive change that their will be consequences she won't like, spell out what those are, if she has any reasoning ability left she may choose to take the lesser evil choice you offer her. I wish you luck - I wouldn't wish this burden on anyone.
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scratchiecat, I know how hard it is. It seems like it would be an easy thing to just go in and clean. One has to go through it to realize that it is a war with threats of police and long-term family divorce. Hoarders have thrown away their families in order to keep all the stuff. Dealing with the rage and anxiety of hoarders is more difficult than most could imagine. If you were there long-term, it would be easier. You could take little steps, so the anxiety would not be so high. But you can't be there, so you may want to get third-party intervention, which may involve getting a county order to clean it up or they will do it for her... and charge a lot to do it! There are local codes for acceptable housing.

It may be that if others come in, though, that it will be questioned whether she can live independently at 88 and if she needs a guardian. You might want to prepare yourself for possible fallout from what you do. Personally I would try to talk her into moving into a senior community, then de-hoard her house after she is safely moved.
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What are you and your sibs afraid of if you just go and clean up her house? That she'll be angry? Isn't angry better than dead? I know the problem, since my folks have dementia and both have a bit of hoarding going on. Sometimes I wait until they go to bed, then remove things and put them in the trash. Since I take the trash out every week, they have no idea. I've cleaned closets and donated clothes, etc. I dust, clean, mop, vacuum, etc. Since I've been doing it a little at a time, they don't notice. If they ask where something is, I tell them I put it in the basement. Neither of them can navigate stairs.

My sister went to the post office and had them stop sending junk mail to our folks. That helped to significantly reduce the piles of catalogs, as well as stopping both of them from ordering stuff from catalogs that they don't need. When we are taking care of them, we go to the mailbox, and recycle catalogs, shred magazine subscription orders and any personally addressed junkmail. Basically they get the bills and personal mail. They certainly noticed that they're not getting the amount of mail they used to, but we just tell them, "This is the mail today!"

My last point is it sounds like maybe your Mom has ADHD in addition to dementia. Has she been evaluated by a doctor? There are meds that can make a huge difference.
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Thanks so much for the responses. She does not eat much. She never has, but now it is worse, in part because of her physical condition, in part because she is depressed, and in part because of her ongoing mental issues, which have her brain going a mile a minute, so much so that she doesn't focus on any one thing. That's a large part of why her house is such a mess. She gets distracted every three seconds by something else and ends up wandering around in circles all day long. I think she is grooming herself; however, she has a dog that I don't think she is cleaning up after. I will be visiting her soon and will get a real picture of just how bad it is.
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You are right to hide it.
In my family the convenient excuse was that my BIL needed to borrow whatever dangerous tool my dad wanted.....luckily BIL would help with whatever chore and gracefully bore the burden of being accused of being bit of a deadbeat when it came to returning stuff. I think dad knew, but it allowed him to save face.
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As Blannie has said I think getting Public Heath or Adult Protective Services to investigate. I don't see any other option. Does she keep herself clean and fed?
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If the home isn't clean/safe enough for a home health aide, it's not clean/safe enough for your 88 year old mom. Have you watched the Hoarding: Buried Alive shows on TNT? She sounds like so many of the folks they've profiled.

I wonder what Adult Protective Services would think of her living conditions? If you wanted to get the ball rolling, maybe have them check on your mom. You have two choices as I see it, either let your mom live in her dangerous dirty conditions or force the issue to get her to a safer, cleaner place. If she has a history of mental health issues, she may not have the cognitive ability to understand how dire her situation is - if it's as dire as it sounds. In that case, she needs help whether she wants it or not. Senior services in her area should help make that assessment.
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