Me and my sisters live around the country, not in the same city as our mother. When we visit we try to clean but instead she assigns up jobs like sorting out batteries or reorganizing a shelf. If we try to push her to get help or if we try to clean up ourselves, she becomes very aggressive.
For the last 10 years her home has been quite dirty and filled with all sorts of things she doesn't need but she will not let us do anything about it, although she constantly complains that she can't get other things taken care of because her house is a mess and needs to be cleaned up. She has a long history of mental illness but she is functional and very smart.
She is now 88 and her health has declined somewhat in the last year, to the point where a friend of hers called me to state that the house was in very bad shape. We realize that we each need to visit her more and ensure that her house is safe for her to be in. We also realize that we need to visit her more to ensure that her home is safe.
She does not listen to any of her children so convincing her of the need to clean her home is not going to happen. She also lies regularly so she might say she is going to do something and then she does not.
We believe that having a home care aide come in to her house several times a week would provide her with some company, make sure her home is safe, and attend to errands, etc. However, her house is not clean or safe enough for an attendant to come to at this point. She says she would be willing to have a home care aide come in, but is not willing to have the house cleaned to the point where that could happen (which could be her passive aggressive of saying she doesn't want a home care aide in the first place).
My sisters and I feel we are at a standstill--we want to know that her living situation is not safe but short of forcibly removing her from the home and sending in a cleaning crew, what are our options?
My way of dealing with this if I was faced with it is harsh and matter of fact. I've watched hoarders and asked myself what I would do if I was dealing that kind of situation....
If I was out of state, came to see my mother, and saw that she was living in filth, she would be out of there that day. There would be no arguments. There would be no discussion. I wouldn't hear a single word my mother had to say. I would call DSS immediately. I would INSIST that my mother wasn't well, while I pointed at the house. I would state the obvious. That she's living with maggots, and rat poop, and piss, cat poop and dog poop, and no working plumbing.... And I would defy anyone to argu with me that I could NOT have her removed. I would have her removed, one way or the other. I would have her dragged out of that hole kicking and screaming. I would make my contempt well, well know if anybody dared tell me I HAD to leave her there because it was HER decision. Yeah, right. Nobody would tell me that I had to leave my mom in an environment that was clearly sickening, reeked of filth, and was a DANGER to her. Tell me somebody wouldn't put my mom somewhere if I felt she was in danger. I don't care who I'd have to go to, or go through, to reach my goal of removing my mother from such a stinking pit and god help them if they tried to stop me. Oh, there are LAWS you say? In my world, laws can bend. I wouldn't give a tinkers d*mn about any law if I walked into my mother's house and saw her like some of those poor people I've seen on hoarders... I wouldn't give a care what my mom wanted, or said. I don't give a d*mn if she came after me with an ax. I'd overpower her, and she'd still be out of there. That day. One way or the other. I would make sure she saw a shrink, got meds, what the h*ll ever. I would strip hoarding away from her like ripping off a band aid. She'd be in a doctor's care, or in mine. But she never, ever would stay in that house one more minute of one more day, and she could d*mn me to h*ll for all eternity for it. I wouldn't have it. I, ME, and what she wants in such a situation be d*mned. My gut would be screaming like a banshee to get her OUT of there, and come h*ll or high water, that's exactly what would happen, too.
Long before that happened though, I think I'd notice if things, trash, whatever, started piling up. It wouldn't be allowed to continue past a certain point. If I noticed hoarding behavior in my mother getting completely out of hand, we'd go to war. I watch these shrinks on TV trying to be so soothing and understanding, walking away when the hoarder shows aggression, telling them all kinds of worthless bull... If it were my mom, and I noticed all this crap piling up all over the house, that's obviously junk....I'd trash it. I'd go through my mom's house like a tornado and get rid of every d*mn bit of it myself. Oh, she's going to object to me getting rid of junk and trash? Sucks for her, doesn't it? I'd do it anyway. Oh, she's going to scream and cry? Ah well, she'll get over it. No, if I see my mother, or any other loved one, engaging in dangerous behavior, living in such a way that's harmful to themselves, well, I'm taking over on the spot. To me, only me, it's the only option. I'm not wasting time discussing it, or worry about my mom's mental state, let the doc handle it...as far as I'm concerned anyone acting like a hoarder and the house is in utter chaos and filth, there's nothing to discuss in my opinion. They're out of there, and clean up begins. Immediately. The end.
That's me. And yes, my mom was prone to bringing home all kinds of crap that people left behind in her rental properties, nothing but endless junk. Even when I wasn't living with her I tossed it. The minute she wasn't looking. The end. If she asked for it...well, d*mned if I know what happened to that mess... *snickers* Problem solved.
I think, and it's just an opinion, that sometimes drastic measures are called for, and people should learn to be more assertive and yeah, aggressive, if need be to help loved ones. Better that than the alternative.
Anyway scratchiecat, my practical advice is to evaluate how bad things are and to figure out a scale of ever stronger steps of intervention to take. You don't have to start with a call to the fire department for example - simply a threat to call in APS might be enough. You could start with telling your mother that if she does not allow positive change that their will be consequences she won't like, spell out what those are, if she has any reasoning ability left she may choose to take the lesser evil choice you offer her. I wish you luck - I wouldn't wish this burden on anyone.
It may be that if others come in, though, that it will be questioned whether she can live independently at 88 and if she needs a guardian. You might want to prepare yourself for possible fallout from what you do. Personally I would try to talk her into moving into a senior community, then de-hoard her house after she is safely moved.
My sister went to the post office and had them stop sending junk mail to our folks. That helped to significantly reduce the piles of catalogs, as well as stopping both of them from ordering stuff from catalogs that they don't need. When we are taking care of them, we go to the mailbox, and recycle catalogs, shred magazine subscription orders and any personally addressed junkmail. Basically they get the bills and personal mail. They certainly noticed that they're not getting the amount of mail they used to, but we just tell them, "This is the mail today!"
My last point is it sounds like maybe your Mom has ADHD in addition to dementia. Has she been evaluated by a doctor? There are meds that can make a huge difference.
In my family the convenient excuse was that my BIL needed to borrow whatever dangerous tool my dad wanted.....luckily BIL would help with whatever chore and gracefully bore the burden of being accused of being bit of a deadbeat when it came to returning stuff. I think dad knew, but it allowed him to save face.
I wonder what Adult Protective Services would think of her living conditions? If you wanted to get the ball rolling, maybe have them check on your mom. You have two choices as I see it, either let your mom live in her dangerous dirty conditions or force the issue to get her to a safer, cleaner place. If she has a history of mental health issues, she may not have the cognitive ability to understand how dire her situation is - if it's as dire as it sounds. In that case, she needs help whether she wants it or not. Senior services in her area should help make that assessment.