Follow
Share

She never tells me important stuff. Mom's fixation on random unimportant things is starting to drive me nuts! Whether it's things she needs or things she feels need to be done.She will tell me she needs paperbags or something not crucial and then tell me, "no hurry" but from that point on, she constantly asks until I give her what she wants and I do just to shut her up no matter how ridiculous it is. This is constant. It's always something. She lives with me and will panic that the garbage can hasn't been set out for the collectors when it's way too early, is this the dementia getting worse? Sometimes I feel like she is playing me to get me to do whatever she wants and when I finally get irritated and tell her these things are not emergencies and that I will take care of them just not that second, she gets pouty and apologizes and then I feel bad ontop of irritated. Then I get things for her as requested and it isn't quite what she wanted. Sometimes it's all I have not to lose it. I have had discussions about this behavior with her and she agrees that most of her requests are not critical but she goes right back to the same behavior. Anyone else go through this? She never tells me important stuff like she isn't feeling well or she fell until I discover something isn't right.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
* Hugs Back * thanks Nikki, I am sure your right. It's just so hard to keep your cool when she has ignored serious health issues so many times and will not hesitate going on and on about the stuff that isn't important. I am a very down to earth, common sense kind of gal so when she fell and ripped her leg open so that guts were falling out and she refused to go to the ER until she had her makeup all on! This is a pattern of illogical thinking and this happened before she had dementia! Now that I have been through numerous situations like this where things could have easily been avoided with the tiniest bit of common sense, it gets more difficult for me to remain the angel of patience. One day, I will write a book, Lord knows I have enough material!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Rainey and Yogagirl, sending you both hugs from someone that totally understands! XO
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'd say a lot of it - like with my mom - has to do with their core personality. You know, the old "type A vs. type B" stuff... ;) My mom has always been a little neurotic; God love her, so, yeah... it's part of the personality. But she obsessions where she would hang onto one thing got really nuts for about - oh, a year, year and a half... something like that. And I remember thinking to myself, 'man, she can't remember anything anymore, but I wish to God she would forget this ONE thing!' But yeah, it does pass, and with this disease, there will come a time when you actually might miss her droning on about something silly and random and getting fixated on it because each stage shuts them down a little bit more. We are in about Stage 6 of Vascular so I understand...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Jola11,
Yep, that sounds about right but of course today, she tells me she is having UTI symptoms and I ask her how long she has been experiencing this and she say's, "Oh three or four days, I thought it would just go away." This woman was a nurse her whole life, she drives me crazy for being low on dishwashing soap but won't tell me she is experiencing pain and frequency with urination. * Pounds my head against the wall * This is equally as nerve racking.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My 90-year-old mom has been doing this type of thing regularly for some time. Having fewer than 8 or 10 eggs in the refrigerator can quickly become an egg emergency. There are other items--milk, bread, trash bags, AA batteries, distilled water--virtually anything she's either out of or is worried about running low on. If I don't get to the store the same day or the next, I'll continue to hear about it till I do....even if I've assured her it's been put on the shopping list. Fortunately, she is very sweet and kind, so it's just the repetition factor.

Keeping a copy of our grocery list on the kitchen counter where she can see it has helped somewhat.

It helps to hear that there are others with a similar situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yogagirl, I cannot imagine both parents doing this, one being obsessed is enough! Please feel free to vent to me anytime, we can at least be each others support system, and believe me, I am so grateful for this website, there is only so much my husband wants to hear so I have nobody else to talk to about my frustrations with my first experience dealing with dementia. It seems all friends dissapear too because I am no longer the happy go lucky gal I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I would not wish her to be anywhere else or I would worry she was not being properly cared for and I will at least know I made the end of her life as best as I could make it for her. It's just frustrating at times going through these phases and comforting others like you and Nikki know exactly what I am talking about!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Nickki and Rainey, Same deal here times two!
Mom and dad both do it. They work each other up into a frenzy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh Nikki, that is exactly it!!!!!! OBSESSED! It is enough to put you right off a cliff sometimes. Thank you so much because you described it to a T, and YES, I am relieved to know someone else has experienced this and even happier to know it will pass. How long did this phase last and what meds do you recommend? I may approach the subject with her doctor. Thanks sooooo much, what a relief because I can find nobody who really experienced exactly what I am going through right now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You wrote: She just fixates because she refuses to join groups, meet new people, so she relies on me to be her whole world........ omg do you have my mother ????? This was exactly what I went through; to a tee. It does pass though. But if she has my mom's personality, eventually she may need meds as her moods get more erratic and anxious.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

omg my mom did this in the moderate stage... she is more severe now, but when it was moderate, she would ask about, for example, getting plants for the yard. Then it would be like an OBSESSION to get the plants. When will we get the plants? Make sure you remember we need the plants. When are we going to pick out the plants? Do you think we'll be going out for the plants today? Remember we need plants.... ARGHHHHH!!!!! Yes! Yes, this is common and I went through this with her. Just know you are not alone! The phase does pass (as they all do...) - Just reassure her - she is trying to have some control over something totally uncontrollable for her; her brain.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

check out salvation army or adult daycare centers in your area. Some offer shuttle rides to and from thef acility.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Maybe divert her with music, goodies; cookies, shakes, etc......get her thinking about treats... dance with her is she wants..... ADULT DAYCARE...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Love the idea of meds but she has super low blood pressure, lymphedema subject to bouts of cellulitus even though I have her leg under my constant care so many of the anti anxiety/OCD meds have a sedative effect to where I am afraid of her falling and hitting her head again. I had to stop her from drinking wine at night because she fell twice and she did not stay properly hydrated which created the perfect storm. She has not fallen since. She has her days chiseled in where she knows I take her shopping, to the hairdresser, etc. If I listed all I do for her on a regular basis, she is very well cared for. She just fixates because she refuses to join groups, meet new people, so she relies on me to be her whole world. I cannot be with her constantly and she does not need constant supervision at this point. She can still do everything except drive and handle finances, bills, anything that takes logic because the dementia has taken that. My brothers do nothing so it's all on me. My husband thinks she's smarter than she lets on and manipulates me. There have been moments with things she has said that has given me pause to wonder if he is right. I think she has good days and bad days. I have offered everything to her including group outings with people with the same affliction so she would not feel self concious and I even went with her for a trial run and at the end she said she would not come without me. I created a gorgeous garden for her and a lovely space to live in. JessieBelle, I can relate but loved the answer you gave her about the ALF, but my mother was an RN that worked in ALF's her whole life, I will only do that only if she ever needs 24/7 care. Thanks all of you for your suggestions, I just can't find much about the subject on dementia and fixating. Maybe I need the anti anxiety meds to cope! LOL!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

At the beginning of my mom's mild cognitive decline, everything was an emergency. Getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds helped. So did the distraction of loving in an independent living facility with activities and staff to look after the buildings. She was no longer " in charge" and thus had fewer worries.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My dad does this, too!! He sends sis and I on a wild goose chase.
He comes up with a new item everyday.
Drives us nuts.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

dementia is often accompanied by OCD . i feel for you cause theres nothing that bends me up worse . im a guy and all i have is a big hammer so of course everything looks like a nail . once ive hit that nail i dont plan to revisit it ..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I go through this all the time, Rainey, so know exactly what you're talking about. It's definitely a control issue and a mind that isn't working well anymore. They want something done and can't do it themselves. We become like a leg or arm to them that they can control. If we don't hop to it, they get upset. Mine gets angry.

I'm going through something right now with my mother. We're having some work done to route water away from the house. She has it in her mind that it is to get rid of the moss in the front yard. When I tell her it won't do that, she gets upset, because getting rid of the moss is more important than protecting the house. Yesterday I told her that she could move to an AL community nearby and wouldn't have to worry about the moss anymore. Oh, boy, did that make her mad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Don't wait until you lose it!

She is doing this stuff to have some control over her environment, not to drive you crazy. I know exactly the behavior you are referring to, and it is maddening. Try to distract her early, before you get mad.

Would it work to post a list of all of her requests, and then tell her or write down when you will be able to get them for her? She wants to know that someone remembers her thoughts.

And/or medicate her. It would not be in order to shut her up. It would be in order to relieve her anxiety, which is not pleasant for her. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Get her medicated for OCD- obsessive compulsive disorder.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter