If your Mom's Geriatrics Dr. tells you that this 87 yr.old woman is fit as a fiddle mentally and you know that is not correct who do you see?

The MD wants only to make the patient happy, not you. So tell the son he goes to the MD with her, because you are the "bad guy". She won't go to a neurologist either. Oh, and make sure she drives the car when he goes with her. That was a real eye opener for my husband who kept insisting his mom was "just fine". He got out of that car clutching his chest, wide-eyed.
Don't discuss her memory losses in front of her, she will become very hostile. She is obviously "showtiming" for the son and the MD. It took me a long, long time to make the son see the decline; he was in denial.

Hidden video cam.

Sandy, what does your BF think is wrong with his mother? If she needs a caregiver (you) then she must have impairments. What does he think they are?

I suppose it is possible that Merle really is mentally fit and she simply hates you. She is being mean to you because she wants to, and then she lies about it so as not to ruin her reputation. That seems unlikely to me, but it is possible. If your BF thinks you are lying to him, I'm not very optimistic about your relationship.

How about this? Get a different job. Perhaps even get a caregiving job, but not for a relative. Let BF arrange other care for his mother, or do it himself. Whether she has dementia as yet not diagnosed or she just plain hates you, you are not the right person to care for her.

My husband was diagnosed with "dementia" by our primary physician when I told her some of his symptoms, but she told him to make an appointment with a neurologist, and she recommended one very highly. At that time, my husband was able to drive. The neurologist called me several days after the appointment to tell me that my husband had dementia; he agreed with our primary doctor's findings. I didn't want to believe either one of them so I decided to get a third opinion by taking him to see a geriatrics doctor. She had her nurse put him through a battery of written and oral tests, and the result was, the doctor told me, "He came through with flying colors." She said to my husband, "You're fine; there's nothing wrong with you!"

But the geriatrics doctor was dead wrong, and our primary physician and neurologist were both right!

I have found the neurologist is no more helpful than the geriatric doctor. When my mother first had her stroke in '09 (and we didn't know it then), we took her to the ER. The ER docs and tests didn't see it. Mom was not acting right (i.e. confusion and memory loss). We FINALLY got an appt to see the neurologist and were anxiously awaiting the diagnosis cause we knew---we KNEW mom was off. The MRI showed the site of the stroke but the initial standard test that they gave to her resulted in her 'passing'! We all said, "Are you kidding me"?!! The test really reveals nothing. It took a second time to show the damage of what had occurred.

Why are you caring for her if nothing is wrong with her? Yes, maybe it is time for you to find another job and someone else be Merle's caregiver.

Hm. It strikes me, though, that the geriatricians are seeing ALL older age patients, while the GPs and neurologists are seeing different age groups too.

So when a geriatrician says a patient is Simply Marvellous Darling you perhaps have to bear in mind what baseline comparison he/she is using. Maybe it's that compared to some of the complete hopeless wrecks parading through his office your parent is a wonder.

PamS is right on the money. B/f takes his mother back to the geriatrician, closes his mouth, and pays attention to his mother's unprompted answers. I will assume that the driving suggestion was just an evil sense of humour creeping in… But up to you.

I had an ex-mother-in-law who acted the same way. She was an alcoholic. Does your BDFs mother drink? My MIL died at age 52 from an alcohol overdose.
Even if she is not a currently active alcoholic, but has not done the work (12 steps, etc) she may have the same "dry alcoholic" behavior.
If it's not that, then perhaps she is just a beatch.

Why do you think they call it "practicing medicine?" Over 93,000 patients a year die due to medical "errors." I know about my husband's condition and what he needs better than any doctor. And you can take that to the bank!

I agree with Willows - If I had left my mother to the doctors she would not be 103. Don't always believe all that the doctors say and don't be afraid to get a second opinion. I like the hidden camera.
She's your boyfriend's mother, not even your mother in law. I say get out of this situation while the getting is good! Either he needs to get his mother in a place where she's cared for if needed or in her own apartment. If she's broke, there are HUD apartments for the elderly. If not, you can still rethink what you're doing there.

Sandy, my construction is that in stating "your mom" you were presenting this question from your boyfriend's point of view; and I think that is the point - that this is your boyfriend's problem, and he needs to deal with it. You are helping him by gathering recommendations of how he can best go about it, and that is kind of you.

If you are reasonably certain that she is suffering from dementia, it is important that you keep that in mind when she is being insulting or disagreeable: try not to allow hostility to creep in to your feelings towards her, because that's no basis for your continuing to be her caregiver. In fact it might be better if you thought about finding work outside the home and, with your boyfriend, making alternative arrangements for his mother's care. Apart from anything else, if she's equally unpleasant and doolally around an HCA or similar, then that will be another clue that you can point out to b/f.

I think we can safely leave you to look after your own moral welfare. Not that it isn't important, of course.

shakingdustoff: wow...that was nasty. Sounds to me like you're blowing DUST, not shaking it off. This woman is just trying to help, is over her head and seems to realize it by coming here to speak about it. Personally, I'd dump this guy AND his mother.

Sandy please, please please ignore Shakingdustoffs response. This member does not represent what Aging Care is about. We are here to support each other NOT put you down!!

Now back to your question..... I think seeing a neurologist is a great idea.... Let your bf know you would like him to come along.. You're not alone with this issue many of us on here deal with this daily...Hugs..You're doing great..