Mom's doctor revoked her license, but she is so independent and stubborn she won't listen to anyone. What can be done?

Follow
Share

Revoked by her then doctors letter to DMV, but she's so independent and stubborn she won't listen to anyone. What I don't understand is that everyone, including police, said nothing can be done! There must be something! She has no insurance, are they just waiting for her to cause an accident???

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
59

Answers

Show:
You take the keys and the car away from her.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

If she has access to a car, it sounds like she's going to use it. The police will only arrest her if they catch her. It's up to the family to make sure that she doesn't have access to a car.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

We took my Mom's car in for some "work" and told her it couldn't be repaired when we actually sold it. That way she wasn't mad at us for selling it cuz she thought the car was broken. At 1st she wanted a new car but we explained she couldn't afford it and she shouldn't drive anyway. She was upset for a little while but would probably have been madder if we took the car from her.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

My MIL did roll her car on the hi-way but no other car was involved. She was fine. A couple of years later she drove to the grocery store and then called my husband and said she had a flat tire. When we got there she had 2 flat tires that she drove on until she made it home. Also the whole side of the car had side swiped a high curb. Again, no other car involved. This time my husband made a run to the police department and had them send an officer out to her house. He came and talked to her and that finally ended the driving. We parked the wrecked car on our farm so out of sight , out of mind. Sure was hard for her. She was 88 and had been driving cars and tractors all her life. Sometimes you just have to wait for the accident or disable the car.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Oregongirl - The answer to your statement and question "In my grandparents day, they stayed with us until they died, I never heard any grumbling or fighting about their stay. What happened to us as people?" is one word - DEMENTIA.

My mother and her siblings took in our grandparents, their mom and dad (he passed away maybe in his early 70s). Nana stayed with her various children for a few months at a time. I remember her fondly, and she did not pass away until sometime after my first child was born. She was in her later 70s. She did NOT have dementia. She needed a safe place to stay with MINIMAL supervision.

I read enough information outside of this forum (before I even found it) and plenty in here to know how hard it is to deal with dementia and how difficult it is for ANYONE to care for dementia patients. Early stages, not so bad, where they may be as you say 'confused'. But it doesn't end there, it is progressive and most times gets so bad that it can seriously impact the family caregivers. It is NOT the same as in our grandparents' day. My parents were MUCH younger than we are (mom just turned 94). The combination of being younger and grandparents still being "with it" made a huge difference. After several spinal surgeries and a lower back issue that won't quit, combined with a woman at least 20 pounds heavier, there is no way I could take care of her. She has fallen multiple times and I would not be able to pick her up. She cannot remember what she or you said two minutes ago, did not have enough sense to contact ANYONE after injuring her leg bad enough to end up with cellulitis/ulcer!

While I had heard of Alzheimer's (only one kind of dementia), I was not aware of any of the others nor was I aware of how widespread it is and how much worse this "epidemic" is going to become. Living longer and "baby-boomers" are contributing factors to this disaster. Again, most people back in the day died younger, from conditions that are now (more) treatable, such as heart conditions, cancers, etc. Dementia was not as prevalent. The scary part is how we are seeing YOUNGER people coming down with this affliction!

We have to do the best we can and trust it works. If it means moving mom or dad to a facility, so be it. If one can manage home care, great! I seriously doubt everyone who has had to deal with this WANTED to do what they had to do, but it is what it is. When they cannot properly care for themselves and/or become a danger to themselves or someone else, you must intervene, confused or not. This is NOT about mistreating our elders, but trying to protect and care for them in whatever manner works best.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Why/how does she have access to a car?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Do not put others in danger from your mother driving. You have an ethical responsibility to see she doesn't kill or maim someone. She's obviously not thinking right. Disable the car, and take the keys. When she screams and yells tell her you couldn't live with the thought of her killing an innocent person when she's been told not to drive. Driving is a privilege not a right.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Sell her car
Disable her car
If he is living with you or someone else lock the car and keep the keys locked up.

I got a small safe to keep papers and other valuables in (good thing cuz I needed that when I eventually hired caregivers) and I would keep my keys in the safe or attached to my belt loop. Whenever I had the car in the garage or driveway the doors were locked.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The simple answer is to take her keys and sell the car. That would be easier for you than for her. Be prepared for an epic melt down. This is her independence. Her last vestige of freedom. You don't say how old she is or if she has any mental concerns, but understand that if you don't take her keys and she has an accident and hurts or God forbid kills someone, your feelings of guilt for not having taken her keys away will last much longer than the meltdown. Dealing with the accusations and anger when you more or less force someone to confront the iniquities of aging is something most of us have done, including me. But at that point, one needs to "man-up" and do what needs to be done. If Mom is up for it, make sure you and the rest of her family take her out for lunch, shopping, or just for a ride. Fall foliage is coming up! Don't leave her stuck and isolated in the house. That way, she won't feel so much like a prisoner and she'll get her over her anger much faster.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This is a little off-topic, but close enough that it may be helpful in situations where the license has not yet been revoked but the family realizes that the elder shouldn't be driving: After her elderly mother was involved in a couple of fender-benders, a friend of mine banded together with her siblings and broke the news to the mother that she could not drive any more. They explained that they were doing so for her own safety, and they took her license and the car. My friend said that her mother was strangely calm. Two weeks later, her mother was involved in another fender-bender, this time with a car she had just leased a few days earlier -- and when the police arrived, she showed them a brand-new, temporary license. It turned out that the mom had anticipated her children and had photocopied her license before they took it away. She took a bus to the nearest Secretary of State office, showed the clerk the photocopy, and said that she'd mislaid her license. The clerk, probably feeling sorry for this nice, dotty old lady, issued a temporary license with a replacement to arrive by mail. Now armed with a temporary license, the mom went out and leased a new car. The mother tried to keep the third accident a secret from her kids, but fortunately they live in a small town and the police passed the word to her family right away. The moral of the story: Never underestimate the cleverness of an elderly person who's determined to keep driving!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.