Mom has moved into a NH after her falling accident. Her disappointment has me doubting my decision. Advice?

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I have had to tell her numerous times that she's not coming home. It's so sad. It's making me doubt my decision, but I have already alerted the home health people and discontinued their service. I visit her and get the silent treatment. Honestly, how can I do that to her. One day she's happy at home. The next day she falls and is rushed off to the hospital with 4 broken ribs and 1 broken collar bone. Then she's into the rehab nursing home, and finally, is having to stay there without even returning home. Is that not a tad cruel? Would bringing her home one more time to see her room help things... or would it make things worse? I mean, she went from a beautiful, large room to just 1/2 of a room, one bed, and though I decorated as nicely as I could with pictures of family and so on.... all her things are still at home. I don't dare pack them away without asking first.... do I pack it all and not worry about it??? Please, how do you do this difficult thing? She's been out of her room now since the accident on July 9th.

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Hi Jocelyne, I have read many of Your wonderful contributions on this outstanding site, so much so it's as if You and Your Mum are part of Our Family. Your Mum is safe now as She's got round the clock care. While I know You feel guilty now, that will fade and disappear as time passes. You can still call and visit Your Mum every day, and bring some of Her favourite treats. Imagine how delighted You will feel when Your Mum begins to settle in to Her new surroundings. Finally take good care of Yourself too Jocelyne, and love to You and Your Mum.
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I appreciate that, Freqflyer.... you are right, no doubt it's still sinking in. Everyday she asks when she's coming home and needs to hear it again. Like wow... she needs to feel the disappointment every day until it finally sinks in. So hard. I will give it time... and you're right, the silent treatment may be just feeling overwhelmed. Thank you.
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Jocelyne, maybe the silent treatment is that your Mom is still overwhelmed by everything that had happened to her. Keep in mind, she needed this higher level of care and she is in the right environment. And it is so nice your Mom has a nice roommate... if she understands, tell her being here is like living in a college dorm with a lot of new people, activities, etc. only a tad bit quieter :)
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GardenArtist... she fell July 9th and has healed considerably from her broken bones. She moves pretty well with a walker, but is still high risk for falling. She is 93 and has oxygen on full time, and dementia is getting worse. I consider also that her dementia will continue to worsen with time, and as she needs the 24/7 care, she is really best where there is 24/7 help. Thank you for your input!
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Wonderful... thank you.... I just needed to hear that this is normal, and bringing her home to see her things again is not wise. It just feels so abrupt! So heartless! Yes, I am feeling a tad guilty. I think to myself if I truly loved my mom, I would bring her right back home come what may! She is a DNR (Do not resuscitate). Being DNR however does not cover broken bones... that would still require another trip to the hospital and then rehab, etc.... how many times can one little 4'9" person take broken bones from falling!

So she is not safe here, and I can't do the 24/7 thing, even with daytime help. Oh I suppose I could sleep while home health was here, but that would mean staying up through the night to make sure each time she gets up she's safe. She now needs oxygen, (which I question).... and she's showing greater signs of dementia than even when she was here in July.

I did feel guilty before because she didn't have much social interaction - only me all the time, and a tad of time from my husband. Now, she can do activities, being forced to mingle a bit... and her roommate is so nice. Thank you for the encouragement!
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Sorry, I missed that you wrote your mother is apparently staying at the nursing home w/o any return home date predicted. Is there a reason for this? Is it considered that she couldn't cope or be cared for at home even with home care assistance through an agency or hired caregivers?
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Did she have surgery for the broken collar bone? And is she under movement restrictions for the broken ribs? Can she move around freely on her own? If she can't move freely without assistance, she'll recover more quickly with multiple people to help her move.

That would be my biggest concern about bringing her home is the ability to safely move her. I'm sure she's going to be sore from the broken ribs, and it's easier to heal when there are more resources available for assistance.

You don't indicate if this facility is intended to be her permanent home from now on, or is it temporary while she's healing?

When my father fractured his hips, there is no way that he could be cared for at home and rehabilitated. He needed the resources of a facility with multiple people, especially the therapists.

Perhaps if you approach the issue on the level of healing more quickly with the resources that you could never have at home, she might accept it more easily.
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Jocelyn....I just went through this same thing earlier this year.....even the silent treatment and pouting. (My father even was plotting a "coup de escape" via the nice church ladies)

But seriously.....you are feeling guilt, uncertainty, and are second guessing because you feel so bad about her being there. BUT SHE IS SAFE! She is somewhere where there are people there around the clock to do their best to keep her from getting hurt again, keep her fed, treated, bathed, entertained and safe!

Please give it some time. Do not bring her home as it just makes things worse. Somebody very smart on this board said it takes 3-4 months for them to "settle in" and it is absolutely true.

Best to you and please be patient.
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Dear Jocelyne,

First off, hugs to you. Taking care of anyone is a thankless job. You are a wonderful person for taking care of your mom. She knows it and so does God. And so does your heart know it.

Second, wowser, that's a bummer of a fall she took. Healing vibes to your mom. She must be in some pain. And it must be hard for you to witness all of this and dealing with it all. Sounds like you are on your own without any sibling help - or maybe no siblings to help.

Bummer situation and I can tell you are feeling guilty and your mom thinks she wants to be somewhere other than a facility. Was your mom in her own house or living with you before the fall? It's hard to get the silent treatment from someone you love.

Does your mom have any mental issues going on? Like dementia or anything like that? What are your mom's expectations and was there any dialogue discussing what to do if the "said situation" occurred and she needed full-time care and her children weren't able to provide it? If so that may give some guidance to know what to do.

I take it her safety is an issue and that's why she can't return home?

If so, getting her counseling maybe to help her assess her own situation and the need to be in a facility for her own safety? Might this help convince her and take the burden or obligation off of you?

Then maybe you can prepare and she is prepared to make this next move to the facility. Then maybe she will accept going back to her home to choose some things she can take with her.

I'm sure this is a shock and horrible situation to your mom and realize she is in this need. Some folks just want to be home.

I'm not sure I was much help. But others may be more experienced with this situation.

Nobody wants to get old and frail and be in this situation. I'm sorry your mom and you are going through this.

Much empathy--
LastOne
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