My mom has spinal problem and is very depressed. She sleeps and complains constantly. She also gets mad at me frequently. What should I do? - AgingCare.com

My mom has spinal problem and is very depressed. She sleeps and complains constantly. She also gets mad at me frequently. What should I do?

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She complains a lot, and when I tell her to quit complaining and try to be more positive, she says I am a bad daughter, that I don't want to listen to her. She lives at her home with my dad. My dad is not the best caregiver, and Mom is mad at him a lot, too. I can understand some of her frustration with him, but why does she get mad at me so much? The big thing she says to me all the time is that I'm disrespectful to her, that she would never say what I say, to her mother...I don't know what I'm saying, other than telling her that she complains too much. I know she is depressed - she sleeps a lot and stays in the bed all day. I am an only child with 3 small children of my own.I don't know what to do or how to handle her. Please help!

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I have gotten some good ideas from the comments above. My mom has always been really good at making me feel guilty. Sometimes, I deserved to, and sometmes, I didn't. We have now moved into the "you don't love me or want to spend time with me" phase...I will say that it is depressing to go to the house I once lived in and see it in decline. Mom acknowledges this yet does nothing much to solve it (ex. - carpets filthy - always going to replace them but never does). I do not like to spend a lot of time there because it is depressing. I have small children and I know my moods affect them. My mom does suffer from depression, but I think that if she was able to look at things differently, our lives would be better. She is very negative about everything and everybody. Nothing suits her, much of the time, and I am trying to do my best, considering that I too suffer from depression. We are both on meds to control it...mine works better than hers, obviously.
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I know you must be miserable, sad, and angry at the same time. Can you change the tone of your relationship by telling her that you know she must be in so much pain and you wish you could change that, but you need her to give you some specific things you can do to make things better for her? Would it work if you let her be the mother for a moment and ask her if she can give you advice about some issue you have in your life even if it is just the sniffles your child has or some such thing. I think my mother is nicer when she feels needed. Perhaps you just need to let your feelings show and cry with her sometimes. Our mothers almost always want to be our mothers. If you can talk to her doctor, see if he or she can prescribe something that does not sound like an anti-depressant but can help with depression, anxiety, and pain. I have asthma and need something like that when I have pneumonia for a long period of time. Above all, protect your own children from her moods as much as you can, and walk away for awhile if you have to. Probably none of my suggestions are helpful, but please know that you can vent anytime you need to do so. We care and want you to be okay. Best wishes!
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I have a similar situation to hellodddavis. I question myself about how I can make things better..always thinking there is a solution to all of her pain and depression. I now seem to get in trouble by suggesting that she might want to see the doctor. I have made many appointments for my Mom but we have had to cancel so many that I am half afraid to even call the Dr's office for fear that they will tell me we've canceled so many. How do we just stand by and see the depression and pain and not suggest getting help? Thanks and sorry for the dumping!
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try not to take her into your home . and do what you can for her but limit your time -from my personal experience they become emotionally abusive. don't neglect your own family -life is too short .
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Statements like "I don't know what I'm saying that's disrespectful" and "even that is not good enough" show that you are looking for sense in what she says about you... and you want to use that understanding to do the right thing that would earn her approval. But even though she says specific things about specific people those things don't make the kind of sense you're looking for. None of this is about you. She's just lashing out all over the place. Do what you need to do to have a clear conscience about balancing care for your mother with the needs of your husband and children and your own needs. Don't forget your own needs, because if you run dry you can't help anybody. Your children will be this age only once, and you will live with the consequences of your choices about THEM for MUCH LONGER than your mother will be around. Try less hard to please your mother and look for EMOTIONAL solutions; let that go. Instead take that energy and use it to establish PRACTICAL solutions, for now and for later. Get help from doctors (meds), hire or start learning about hiring caregivers, learn what you need to know to get her Medicare and then Medicaid benefits in the future. Make it so you don't spend so much time with her and take so much abuse from her that you're too drained to be happy or present for your other loved ones.
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I am sorry for how your mom treats you. I am in a similar situation an only daughter, 2 children 16 and 12 (and they need me-16 yr daughter is fun at the same time very emotionally draining, but she is normal/my 12 yr son would just like some more attention and time before he grows up) so being away from them is quite difficult for me. My mom is local and today apparently she says these are the last tests this week and she doesn’t think it is funny anymore and that I’m having her take these tests. Meanwhile she asked me to call the doctors and schedule everything. I have even told my mom she can live with me since she lives alone. But I still think that is not good enough. I am fed up with always being the punching bag for her emotions. No one else is helping her, and she doesn’t like my husband because he gets upset with her because she upsets me.(but he never says a word to her about this)
So back to your original question--I think this is just it my dear!
We try the best we can and as we need time--we just take it. I have been to therapists, I am on an anti depressant, and I really help her as much as I possibly can--but at the end of the day it is never enough....I am worn out. I drive her to the far away doctors appts I even left my son sick at home. My husband takes off early for work to pick up the kids so I can be with her. And she says my husband doesn’t care. I don’t know what they want from people. She doesn’t want to talk to her brother or sister. And no one has offered to help me at all--I have called them up crying on more than 1 occasion and they never even call me back to see how I am doing or how my mom is--so I am all alone with this. I know at this point I have a clear conscious that I can really not do anymore. And at the end of the day you feel the same we don’t have anymore to give!
I would love to keep in touch with you-
good luck:)
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If she's like so many others, she isn't really mad at you. She is just mad and cranky. If she's in pain it's even worse. My mom is mad a lot less frequently now that she is on low dose celexa (anti-depressent). I normally don't advocate for ssri's etc. but in this case it works and improves quality of life significantly for everyone involved. Talk to her doctor. This is your life too so don't get sucked into feeling guilty.
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You may be able to help her with acupuncture. Look for one who is Nationally Board Certified (NCCAOM). This is a real acupuncturist rather than a dentist, chiropractor or MD with a hobbyist-level of training.
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