Mom's dementia is progressing. I need to move my mother closer but i'm met with fierce resistance.

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My mother lives alone, about 2 hours away from my wife and I. She has been involved in an Alzheimers research study and has been diagnosed with early onset dementia at 62 years old. The neuropsychiatrist at the research center recommended a driving test, which my mother passed, and for me to file for POA, medical surrogate, living will, and last will.. all done. I have oversight of her finances, investments, retirement, and banking accounts. She is financially stable, comfortable at home, yet the disease is progressing rapidly.. While she is still somewhat cogent, I am trying to get her to move closer to me. Sometimes she agrees, and sometimes she gets belligerent.. How do you get a loved one to move closer, have a family relationship, move into a socially active 55+ community (with onsite Alzheimers trained caregivers), and be seen by a full time neurologist? I feel like I may have to physically put her in the car and move her, which will have negative, possibly violent, consequences. But, is it for the best? The alternative is that she becomes more reclusive and withdrawn until the disease takes over completely.. She has already alienated herself from 90% of the people she knows and has limited human contact.


At what point do you say, "this is it, I'm coming to get you, no more excuses" ..

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I think I'd give that friendly, practical neuropsychiatrist a call and see if he had any specific advice on this developing issue. He seems to have steered you right so far!
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All I can say is Good luck. Just a 3 day hospital stay for my dementia mother took a toll on me & my mother. Getting them out of their"Spot" or comfort zone can be dramatic on them and yourself. If your are gonna move her, please do it soon before its too late.
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I believe you should just do it. I am all for empowerment and self directed care bla bla but the reality is that we need to care for them and its bloody hard. If the memory short term has gone then she will get over it in terms of forgetting. If not you can just do your best and move her. It doesn't sound like she is happy anywhere so you at least may as well find some relief by moving her. You will be worried about her no matter where she lives but at least if you can keep your own sanity. I always say to my kids if i ever need a nursing home or need assistance you cant give me then doe not feel quilty, do what you have to do and i will love you. I would never want my kids strained or burdened by me.
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My Mom didn't and still doesn't want to be in a care facility. As her daughter, I had to put her safety first, and my feelings second. It was easier if the decision was made to be the doctor's and not in my control, she was more receptive to the Dr. and it became a good idea. That was a honeymoon period, as her dementia progressed or changed she still felt locked up. It won't be easy, but she'll be safe and cared for, which is the best decision for her.
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My mother got to the point that she was forgetting to eat, not bathing, not taking medication, going to neighbors' houses and accusing them of various things (like killing her cat), leaving the stove on, burning up food, misplacing her pills and purse multiple times a day and needing help finding them, having delusions that people were under her porch, leaving milk out for a "cat" that was really a bush, etc. I had also activated my POA. It came to the point that we were fearful of someone reporting her to adult protective services. On Christmas Eve I asked her to come spend the night...and just didn't take her back. My sister and her family packed up mom's bedroom furniture and personal items and moved them to my house two days later. Having someone with her 24/7 now has improved her quality of life SO much, and it really revealed to us exactly how far she had deteriorated. She's still stubborn and wants to go "home," but what is in her mind are places from 30+ years ago. It was such a difficult decision, but it really did have to be done.
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Jtgator, some time we need to just sit and wait for a crises to happen, like a major fall.   It's not easy to do but at least at that time there would be less resistance regarding moving.

Professional caregivers would be a great help to bring into your Mom's current home, but I have a feeling maybe your Mom would refuse to let them into the house.   Sigh, my Mom was like that.

It's hard for an elder to learn a new area.   That means new doctors, new dentist, new hairdresser, new stores, etc.   It would make your life a bit easier with your Mom in the same community so that you can visit, but elders can be very stubborn and will fight to keep their independence.
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