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My mother has dementia and my father is not able to take care of her..they are both 89. Dad, I think, is of sound mind and body. A caretaker was hired to take care of my mother..she is a very capable, attractive 30 years old. I have POA, but he and I got into a very big arugment (I am 70) .. I was taking up for the caretaker before other things came to l light. She lives downstairs and is full time. There is no privacy and she reports everything any of the siblings say to my father to one sister who is causing problems with all of us. I have been told to leave and never come back. I am not allowed to see my mother. My brother dropped in to see dad around 9:30 pm, just walked in as usual..the caretaker was sitting at my fathers feet with a very slinking nighgown on with much of her chest showing...he did not say anything to my father, because ..well, you have to know my father . He is very controlling and stubborn. He told me he took away POA, although I have not heard from anyone about this except him) and I cannot do anything. My mother is being put to bed very early and the caretaker is calling the house hers ... we are afraid he is about to be taken for a ride. The sister he talks to the most is a very good friend of the caretaker and is told every thing we say to dad..the sister is a taker and owes my dad thousands of dollars .. she had POA of my uncle and took $90,000 before found out. My father knows this, and Im not sure he trusts her, but the caretaker and sister are in cohoots. we do not know what to do...sounds like a soap opera doesnt it....but it isnt, and Im sure this has happened before. Any help out there?

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i spent the nickles on beer. the shyster will have to make do with the metric bolts..
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hummingbird, it really is true isn't it.. 'there's no fool, like an old fool' and your dad isn't any different. Seems to me that the rest of your siblings have a lot to lose if dad falls for the old "boobs in the face" ploy, so I'd say get them together and come up with a plan of action. I'm inclined to let the old man find out the hard way, as long as mom is taken care of. But then again, that's just me.
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Ok...fair enough. There is a huge age difference, and most likely the woman is dig gin' for gold, diamonds, and hard cold cash. I'm not trying to be non-supportive of this woman's dilemma. I just don't know what all the facts are. It's hard for me throw someone under the bus when there are always two sides to every story. I have been on the careTAKERS side, (but, not really because I am a careGIVER), and ive been on the family side of very similar issues. My grandfather went to Ft. lauderdale for 2 weeks, and came back married to my uncles secretary. One of the girls in his office told my aunt this same woman was heard telling other girls int the office..."if I can't get the young buck (my uncle), I'll nail the old man!" (My grandfather) he did have some money, and she did alienate him from his family, and took pretty much everything he had. Including my oldest son's college fund. But, my grandfather told me and Theresa of the family to butt out. He was happy for the first time in many, many years. He had been very lonely, and this woman (1/2 his age) made him feel young, and vibrant again. I loved my grandfather, and the bottom line is, I wanted no part of taking away his happiness. I guess I just believe that money is not always the most important thing. None of that is going to matter where we are all going anyway. You mentioned your dad is Italian. Ive known quite a few pretty well, and I have never known an Italian man to abandon the Mother of his children.....Familia....always first. So, I stand by my original post that I think dad should be given a little more credit, and left to live with his own decisions....again, I reiterate, if he is, in fact of sound mind.
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Calicaregiver you are right that it is possible for a caregiver to have sincere feelings for the spouse of the person being taken care of. But ... 30 year old caregiver and 89 year old spouse? Come on! That is not May to December, that is January to December of the following year! I think some suspicion is justified here.

If Dad really is of sound mind (which prohibiting a daughter to see her mother raises questions about) then the only thing to monitor here is whether the caregiver is also doing a good job with Mother. Which is pretty hard to monitor if you can't visit with Mother!

If this WERE a soap opera, how likely would you be to believe that the 30 year old in the slinky nightgown had "sincere feelings" for the 89 year old man?
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cleavage wouldnt work for me, im totally an ass man.. my point? i dont have a point. when i joined this group it wasnt required that i have a point. seriously, the carer could have access to my change jar if shed show me some ass cheek. its mostly nickles and metric bolts but ya know, id share em..
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If the courts/APS were looking at this the term "undue influence" would come up -- what she is doing is trying to isolate your Dad from his family (you).
Maybe go visit your Mom along w/a sibling that your Dad isn't mad at? You risk involving another sibling, but it gives you a witness, & maybe Dad will put on better behavior as a show. So sorry to hear about situation.
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Your posting caught my eye with the term "caretaker". Maybe I'm just sensitive to this term because it seems many family members think that is what an outside "caregiver" does....take. Anyway, it takes two to tango, and if your dad is of sound mind, why would you interfere with his choices. He's a grown man. It's possible that the caregiver/taker has sincere feelings for him. Also, you said that the caregiver allowed you to talk to your mom when dad stepped out for a walk. How bad can this woman be if she's risking her own job by going against her employers orders to not allow you any contact with your mom. If your dad, and caregiver are having an affair, I suggest you mind your own family, and leave the infidelity issues to the people involved. If your dad is being unfaithful to your mom, it's probably not the first time. He's not going to abandon your mom or would've already done that. Again, I'm going by your own statement that dad is of sound mind....I'm sure he knows a hustle when he sees one. Give him a little more credit. Being the oldest sibling, you probably have a tendency to micro-manage people or try to anyway. I think you SHOULD just concentrate on your own husband, children and grand children issues, and give your dad a break. You won't be able to change his mind or make him do something he doesn't want to do. Let him feel young again....you should be happy for him. Also, there is no notice required when a POA is revoked. At least in California, there is not. Good luck.
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Too many issues that could be resolved quickly by getting a different sitter/home health aid!
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You need to report. I am wondering if your uncle who lost the $90,000 reported it to ;police. Just because it is a relative who did it does not make it right. The fact that this same sister owes Dad thousands also does not look right. Turn all of this info in to Adult Protective Services when you file a complaint. I would also tell the police about the $90,000 and your uncle. This is a soap opera you do not deserve to have to endure.
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First call the social worker then call the police and have her removed immediately... She is trouble and can harm your mom.... Your mom can be endanger, my oppinon
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I have NO proof of this, but from what you've posted, your dad sounds as if he really need to be 'checked out', and I'd try my best to find a way to do it "soon". Some of his 'behaviors' sound like 'symptoms' of a more serious kind, and the fact that his doctor would not even be willing to write back to you (even if he'd have said he couldn't get involved or didn't want to speak with you about your dad) doesn't sound so good either. If you're really 'worried' I'd seriously keep checking his 'demeanor' especially in light of what you've said here. So sorry to read this, hope it's all straightened out soon.
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Since you have POA, fire that caretaker and replace her. She is being paid to be there, therefore, you can get someone else. Best advice - make sure you can document and have receipts for all the money you handle.
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Get to a lawyer as fast as possible, one who specializes in elder care. If you can't afford the fee go to legal aid. Involve Adult Protective Services.
Unfortunately this happens all the time and cartakers inherit things they have no right to. Keep a very careful watch on your mother's medications. Can anyone physically stop you from walking into the house. Just because your father yells that is not a lock on the door. I understand your heritage but my question is do you fear your father's yelling more than you love your mother. Is your mother's name on the deed to the house. You can probably find this out by going to the county office building and see whoose names are listed. Do a web search there are lots of people out there with good information. Above all get this woman out she is not good for your mother's or your health even if she doesn't have designs on Dad or his money. Don't feel I am being disrespectful to you - I am also in my 70s
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and that is another thing, your dad may not have money but he does have a house and that house can be easily sold for money. IF there is a serious relationship going on, the caregiver could get your dad to divorce your mother and marry her. Once that happens your mother could be kicked out so make sure that your mother is taken care of before that happens. Sorry for what is happening to you. It would devastate me if I were not able to see my mom for months.
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yes, your dad cannot revoke the POA because your mom would have to approve of it w/ her signature UNLESS your dad made her sign a new POA BUT if that is so, then the lawyer was supposed to check to make sure that your mom was of sound mind before she signed a new POA. Ask the lawyer if the POA w/ you on it is still effective and consult with the lawyer about your mom's situation and whether she should be removed from an obvious relationship between your dad and the young caregiver. You might have to pay for the consult. Good luck.
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Get one of those lovely social workers to help,
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Thank you, I did not know that ... it helps very much.
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Your father cannot revoke your mother's POA. Only your mother can do that.
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My sister has been given less than 10 weeks to live.... i dont know how my father will react..its his baby and this might also do him in ... otherwise you guys, I am a very happy person with a wonderfull husband and children and grandchildren...just wish i could concentrate on them...I do know one thing...when she does pass away, I will see my dad and the slut and she and i will have a long talk along with my other siblings .. they dont have the guts to confront him either ... it was left up to me and I used up my confronts LOL... my mother is healthy other than the dementia...dad will go before mom .. probably in the sack with the caretaker .. I need to see my mother...its been 2 months, but he wont let me in t he house...I guess I will just walk in on mothers day and if he kicks me out, the sh... will hit the fan because then I wont care what I say... i talked to my mom (the caretaker called me when my father left for awhile and let me talk) ... maybe I just worry too much ... losing too much sleep .. sometimes you just cant fix broken
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i dont think youll hear back from doc. if someone is capable of making their own decisions doc will respect that. the womans con job probably isnt against the law just dishonest as hell..
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thank you for your comments ...I would have thought that I would have to be there for him to take away power of attorney .. or at least notified by someone other than him. I do have POA on my mother if he hasnt taken that either...i dont even know how to find out...I thought POA was more legal that that...if I was given notice and had to meet with lawyer and father, I would than tell the lawyer that I will not give it up until my father is found competent
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i am in agreement with the call Adult Protective Services in your area they are the ones who can handle the caregiver. If you have POA over your mother make sure it is still current . and that dad did not change it to your sister the friend of the care taker. Good Luck .
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I wrote to his doctor to see if he might be a little senile, but did not receive an answer and my dad just saw him a couple of days ago. I find these things out from my other siblings...dad doesnt have a lot of money, but to my sister and her buddy, its a lot...another sister is drying of cancer and my dad is helping her and her family ... my dad and i were very close until this argument..he yelled at me and I yelled back..he yelled at me my whole life and I had just had enough..this old Italian background does not permit children (Im 70) to be disrepectful .. but he can be disrespectful to me...I cannot bring this subject up with anyone because I promised my brother I would not...i am waiting for someone else to walk in later in the evening and I just might tell one of them that I think Dad and Mom should be checked on ... my husband said I should just walk away...I wish I could...my father is making it easy for me to do so, but I am such a responsible person and the oldest that I cant just walk away...if I find that my mother is not being taken care of our given sleeping drugs, I will call elder abuse....my dad got around quite a bit in his youth and I think after all these years that this person is bringing it back for him or something...I dont know... I guess its not my business unless my mother is being hurt...if she saw my dad and this broad, she would not remember, but it would register and could put my mom under...nothing I or my brother can prove...
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Does your dad have money? That is the only reason I can think of for a 30-year-old to wear a sheer nightie when she's around him at night. No offense to your dad, I'm sure he's a lovely man.

Is this person a healthcare worker or a friend of your sister's? Wearing an inappropriate nightgown crosses a boundary. It's unprofessional. Have you heard her refer to the house as hers? That's another boundary crossed. These 2 things are enough to get rid of her in my opinion, why wait to see if she milks your dad for money?

I'd get rid of her so fast she wouldn't know what hit her. You have POA. Has your dad given POA to anyone else? If you're stuck, called Adult Protective Services and have a little chat with them about this so-called caretaker. Have someone else lined up so there's still continuity of care and give Jugs the boot.
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people including family can pull some pretty desperate stuff. the medical community seems to be filled with halfwits sometimes. they believe the person whos putting on the biggest act. its sad. too many of em have booklearning and feeble common sense. i believe that or i wouldnta sed it.
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