My Mom (90) has dementia. Mom's caregiver suggested to my brother that Mom move into her house. - AgingCare.com

My Mom (90) has dementia. Mom's caregiver suggested to my brother that Mom move into her house.

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I have an issue with this living arrangement, although my brother thinks it's a great idea. My brother plans to put up Mom's house for sale and use the money from the house to pay for the caregiver. Mom still lives in her house, and has for over 60 years. I would rather see my Mom go in a good nursing home. I do not want my Mom living in a house with an 80 y/o man who is closer to her age than her caregiver. If my brother goes through with this, my Mom will be heartbroken. This caregiver has been Mom's caregiver during the past 2 years, so it's not like they're long time friends. Mom really doesn't like her. My Mom still knows what's going on, she's not completely oblivious to life. My Mom is mean and difficult to get along with especially when she get confused. My brother has legal guardianship over her, so I don't know where to turn. My brother doesn't want to deal with my Mom any longer. I help out and stay with my Mom on the weekends. I'm single and work full time. I have 2 sisters that refuse to help out. They do not call her or show any compassion to her. I love Mom dearly and want the best care possible for her, but I feel extremely nervous to have Mom live under these conditions. My brother claims Mom is running out of money. I do not know what Mom's financial situation is since he handles her finances. Please help.

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The other question would be whether brother expected you to continue your caregiving for free on weekends.....Ideally the money saved by having the person work 168 hours per week, 52 weeks per year - or did he plan on only paying for the equivalent of 8 hour days? Current legislation limits domestic worker hours. And if he is paying her cash i.e. under the table, that could be the reason that he wants to have her take care of your mother at home. Money paid to caregiver that was not reported to IRS for income purposes - treated as gifting by Medicaid and transfer penalty imposed. No one human being will be able to care for 2 elders 24/7 without break. And I don't think you want to be tagged "IT".
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I'm wondering if he doesn't want to have account for where the money's gone, as he would need to do if he were to make a Medicaid application. What if he's already spent it?
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Password, I agree with you, I would rather see your Mom go into an Assisted Living facility or continuing care facility where she would have 2 or 3 shifts of caregivers, not just one person every day, all day.

Depending on the husband health, he would be like Sean Connery who is in his 80's, healthy and active.... or the husband is at a point where he needs his own caregiver. Thus your Mom would be competing with him for his wife's attention when it comes to caregiving.

Sounds like your brother is more concerned about the money, which is understandable to help make it stretch, but then there is Medicaid if the money runs out.
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23 years is quite an age gap in a marriage. My first question would be: in what circumstances did the hired caregiver meet her husband? Because if it was recent, say within the last 15 years, I would question if not outright suspect what the caregiver lady is up to exactly. I would want... reassurances that she is above board, and properly motivated. She may be a perfectly respectable woman who happens to enjoy the company of much older people, of course. It would be nice to be absolutely certain of that, that's all.

So your mother is living at her own home. With your brother? And this hired caregiver lady comes in... how often?

If your mother's dementia has advanced to the point where your brother cannot cope with her any longer, it seems highly improbable that the caregiver lady would be able to single-handed either, and especially not when she has an 80 year old husband to tend to. Two cannot live as cheaply as one, particularly not in terms of the time their care requires.

But nobody will blame your brother for feeling that he cannot cope, either; and I think you are right that the time has come to look for the right care setting for her - be that a nursing home or a memory care unit. Two questions follow:

1. Does your brother imagine that moving your mother to another family home will be the ideal compromise? Is that why he thinks it's such a marvellous idea?

2. Or does he think that he can buy this kind of care so cheaply that your mother won't need to apply for Medicaid? Is there going to be a problem if people start asking about her money?

If your brother was awarded guardianship it is going to limit your freedom of action. But on the other hand, it doesn't limit what you can report; and I doubt if what he's proposing now was part of the care plan. Try not to antagonise your brother, but see if you can get a clearer idea of what his real thinking is.
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