My mother's favorite has always been my older sister. My sister lived with my mother for almost thirty years. I married had three children and a career. During that time my sister never paid mom any money toward bills. I divorced and became persona nongrata in my mom's eyes. My ex was mom's secondary emergency contact and I was written out of the will. My sister was mom's caretaker. Mom lived in a house that had mice throughout it and it was filthy. When I would try to intervene I was told to stay out of it. Mom didn't want to upset my sister.
Mom lost most of her eyesight due to macular degeneration and during this time my sister took over as her POA. My sister became a hoarder and used mom's money and charge cards to feed her habit. My sister was on SS disability because she didn't take her insulin and had a diabetic sore that wouldn't heal. Her doctor deemed that she was not able to work. In December my sister had a massive stroke. She is now a permenant resident in nursing home. She has her cognitive abilities but there weakness on her right side.
Mom is 89 and can't care for herself. She reluctantly came to live with me. When mom moved in with me she told me that my sister would yell at her for bring incontinent. She apologizes for everything. I tell her that she is 89 and she does not have to apologize for anything.
Mom is not pleasant to be around. I don't seem to do anything right for her. My sister is all she cares about. Mom doesn't act mean to me when other people are around. She doesn't now or ever has seen how unfair she has been to me.
My sister calls mom from the nursing home. Whenever she does mom gets very agitated and takes it out on me. Mom's BP keeps dropping. She had fallen and was in the hospital a week. I tried to talk to my sister about calling and upsetting mom. I told her that mom hasn't felt well and was in the hospital. She got on the phone when I left and screamed at my mom for not telling her about being sick. Mom's BP went down to 79/48. Her BP is telemeded everyday. The visiting nurse called me to find out what was going on. Hoe do I explain that my crazy sister is making mom sick?
I have had to block the nursing home number. I'm afraid if my sister calls while I am at work and screams at mom again it could kill her. Mom's response is that she is my daughter too. Mom is mad at me all the time now.
I am not coping very well with any of this. I am appalled with what my sister did to my mom. I'm angry at my mom for the way she continues to treat me. I'm livid for being placed behind my ex in her life. I'm angry that I don't have a life anymore.
I know I should let it roll off me. I can't let it go. I feel like I am losing it. There is no one but me to take care of her. I don't know what to do. How do I get past having a mother who doesn't care about me? How do put this anger aside?
I think both the answers you've received so far are excellent; and really, they are saying the same thing in different ways. Jeannegibbs is the soul of good sense who expresses herself directly, and EvaLynnPearl is also giving good advice and expressing herself empathetically, but they both are telling you that excellent, appropriate help is out there, and you can change your miserable circumstances by reaching out.
Never mind the golden sister, never mind the lifetime of blacksheepness. Do the responsible thing for your mother and, at the same time, for yourself, by involving professionals.
There's a whole world out there, including the world of this blessed website, that doesn't share your family's opinion of you. Although the internet makes us relatively anonymous, it can also free us to be recognized as who we really are by people uninfluenced by our family dynamics and our pasts. I respect and admire your efforts to take care of your mother, and I will respect and admire your efforts to improve your situation as soon as possible now that you know you've hit your limit.
Even though mother favored my brother throughout all this time right through my adult years, what I remember is all the hard times that she suffered taking care of all of us. All my life I have lived with and have accepted that I am the "black sheep" of our family. My favored brother has not been here to help me take care of our mother during the last of her elder years. I must say that this is a mistake that both of them have made. What I am waiting to see, when the time comes, will my brother be here to help me when God decides to take mother.
The past 2 years I have been my mother's Care Giver. Her dementia seems to be getting worse through passing time. She doesn't want to live in AL or a Nursing Home. She is presently living in an apartment for senior community living. Unless she passes away hopefully in her sleep, I know the time will come that we will have to move her to AL or a Nursing Home. We all only have "one mother". It is very hard to (detach) not abandon oneself from our mother. It sounds to me that you are in a point in your life that you need to seek urgent help/care for your mother. I highly suggest that you do this before you become seriously ill. If you don't know where to start looking for help, please get in touch with Care Giving in your area. They may suggest that you need a Care Giver come to your home 2xs per week to give you some time to yourself. From what you have said -- it sounds like your mother needs to be moved to either IL, AL or Care Home. Since I don't know your financial situation, you may need to discuss this with them also. Does your mother have any VA benefits from your father? If it is at all possible, you need to obtain all the financial statements to any money that your mother may have. Tell them everything you are experiencing with your mother and that you need help. I know you feel like a "very lost and hurt sheep". Even though He is very busy, please pray for God's help and he will show you the way. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you go through this particular journey in your life.
As it is said, "This too shall pass". I hope I have helped you. Please know that you are loved.
There is no one but you to take care of her -- really? There are no group homes, no assisted living facilities, no nursing homes? How is it your sister found someone to take care of herself?
You are doing what you chose to do. There is no law that you have to do this. No one is holding a gun to your head. You are already the black sheep. It is not like your reputation within the family depends on this.
If you don't want to do this, don't.