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I took care of my mom for a couple years while also working full time. I live 2-1/2 hours away and would come home weekends. I left in late 2020 to work from home (during covid). My brother and SIL (who live near mom) took over mom's care. I've not seen her much given hers and my covid concerns. Things are easing up; she came here for Christmas but I've not seen her since. I'm still working from home. Her birthday is 4/28. I asked SIL if there were birthday plans and she said yes, birthday dinner at 4 pm on Saturday 4/30. I thought I would drive down and bring my daughter and granddaughter and we all could have birthday dinner together. My daughter can't leave work till 2; that puts us at the restaurant at 4:30 or 5. I asked if this was okay. Response: "So why don't you just come when you can without any rush. Just arrange with your mom the timing, pick her up, and take her where it is good with you. We all can't make this dinner and we'll do something else on our own." I did not intend to impede their plans, or demand an unreasonable change (other than get there at 4:30 or 5), but I did not see why going a bit later at 4:30 or 5 would be a problem. I decided that we drive over the next day (Sunday). There's more time (for my daughter) but more difficult on me since we will have to drive over and return the same day. I sent my SIL a note and apologized for inferring that I wanted them to move the time a bit to accommodate us, and explained we are coming Sunday instead.

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SIL told you when the birthday dinner plans were; you changed the time. She let you off the hook by saying come whenever you want to, no rush, but we can't make it at the time you're wanting to come; she probably already made reservations at the restaurant at 4 pm. YOU didn't see a problem with changing their time, but there was a problem with it on their end. You have no reason to be 'touchy' and you aren't misunderstanding anything, except that the time you wanted to do dinner doesn't work for them, or maybe for the reservation purposes. So now you can see mom when you want to, and they can celebrate her birthday at their convenience. I don't see why you all have to do the celebration together anyway, really, right?
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Bootsiesmom Apr 2022
I sent SIL a note apologizing for overstepping and said we would celebrate with mom the next day. Probably better for mom not to have so many people together at one time anyway, as you state.
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Yeah, you were being a little touchy, but sometimes people say things that hit you the wrong way in the moment.

Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. It could be that the uncertainty of what time to leave would start things off on the wrong foot. Maybe they were concerned that the doubling of the size of the group would be too much. Perhaps she has occasional issues with sun-downing and 4:00 is a lot different than 5:00ish. Let the note suffice and move on.

If you prefer driving the day before, go ahead and do so. You can make it a Sunday brunch and get back home before dark.
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Bootsiesmom Apr 2022
Thanks for your reply. I sent SIL a note apologizing and will see mom the next day. We can go and return the same day.
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I actually think this could be a plus for your mom,, 2 dinners instead of 1 . More to celebrate ! ! Maybe they are being rigid,, and maybe they are being passive agressive,, but try to spin it as a good thing for you and Mom. It could make your mom happier.. and if they are being aholes then you have bypassed that by making it a postive! I don;t think you are being touchy,, but you can spin it in your favor
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Bootsiesmom Apr 2022
Thanks for your reply. Yes - turns out it is a plus in that regard, isn't it? Two celebrations instead of one.
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