My Mom’s behavior for nursing / rehab staff is quite different than with me.

Follow
Share

My mom is in a nursing facility where she has completed rehab following several falls and a TIA. They say she is ready to come home or go to an assisted living facility. She does have dementia, anxiety disorder, depression, diabetes – but no illnesses of the heart or other major organs. The SNF says mom is able to walk well with a walker, care for her personal hygiene, dress and feed herself. They say she is pleasant, cooperative and shy. This is a pretty good facility and I respect their observations.

In the 4 months mom has been there, rehab and I have agreed on a few DAILY TASKS that will get mom home: 1) Walk with her walker around the facility as much as possible 2) attend at least 1 activity (Coffee Club, dining in the Dining Room for any meal, Bingo, all kinds of socials and crafts, etc.) 3) Read anything of her choosing & watch TV a bit to keep her brain sharp 4) Do most of her hygiene and self care independently.

So, THE PROBLEM: Mom is NOT doing much beyond lying in bed and sitting in her wheelchair. She MIGHT do one of her “DAILY TASKS” every other day. When I am there it is constant complaints, negativity, and she tells me “I’d be better off dead.” When she was home, my household was chaos – complaining, unable to do anything without help, and sometimes refusing to eat or take meds.
I am the only child and she desperately wants my attention and servitude. She has no living relatives or friends. I felt like a fool today when her nurse told me again that mom is sweet and does pretty well caring for herself. They are not seeing the needy, demanding, critical mom that I know well.

I MUST make a decision regarding mom’s return home NOW. Since I am the only person on earth that cares at all, I have extra guilt.
Thanks for “listening”. You guys have become a source of support and reason, and I am grateful.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
6

Answers

Show:
Do not take her home again. I hope you have read the website daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. You say "she desperately wants my attention and servitude" ... that's it in a nutshell.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If your mom is in a wheelchair most of the time she can't go to assisted living, she'd have to go to a skilled nursing facility (nursing home). And if your mom is in a wheelchair she is not likely to be able to care for her activities of daily living (getting up, getting cleaned up in the bathroom, getting dressed, etc). Plus, it's easy for your mom to extend that extra effort in trying to do these things when there's a professional occupational therapist standing right behind her. Left to her own devices she may not be as ambitious. Right now there's an end goal: getting out of there. Once she goes back to your house it will be the same thing you experienced before. If you would like to put her in a NH now is the time to make those arrangements. You won't get another opportunity until there's another health crises and she has to go back into the hospital. You know that.

And guilt is useless, don't let it be a part in your decision making. Only you know what it's like to have your mom living with you. Are you prepared to go back to that for an indefinite period of time? If so then bring her home. Do what's best for 1.) you and your family and 2.) your mom. Then let us know how things turned out.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Take a look at website: daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. That, along with this forum, probably saved my life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Do you have children? I remember going to parent teacher conferences and being told how sweet and cooperative my children were and trying to sneak a peek at the teacher's folder to make sure they had the right one! Just like children "save" their bad behavior for home, your mom is saving it for you, because she is most comfortable with you. She is not happy with the way her life is going right now, and she is taking it out on you. In my opinion, it would be a mistake to take her home. Since she seems to be more cooperative with professional caregivers, maybe a good Assisted Living facility would be a good fit for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I can relate. My mom is usually so sweet to others and can be sweet with me, but she can show her ugly side too. She loves attention and does things to get the attention. I on the other hand do not like attention. I often wonder why some thrive and crave attention and like me do not like attention.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

They have a phrase for this....something to do with showtiming maybe, sorry can't remember the exact phrase. Basically they are able to pull off a somewhat normal appearance/behavior/etc. for short periods of time around others. My mother was very good at this at first. Especially around the staff at her doctor's office. They would ask her if she was taking care of herself, cooking her own meals, dressing herself, etc. She always said yes but it was us that was doing everything. After awhile they get worse and worse at pulling it off.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.