Ever since I was young I knew that my father is abusive. He hurt my mom so bad that she had to tolerate her stress and her pain until she couldn't handle. She's on medications, basically sleeping pills and anxiety releasing pills.
We come from a conservative background where society is judgmental to a great extent. As I have grown up to be a young lady I am expected to find a partner and get married. The fact that I am still single is all what mom can think of. She's obsessive about this. She says that all she worries about day and night is me and why I can't seem to find a partner.
While I love my life, maintain relatively good social activities and work out quite often, mom's anxiety is getting to me. Whenever we argue about this, I need to take a sleeping pill so that I don't wake up with muscle crams and inability to concentrate at work the next day. My mom makes me feel guilty of enjoying my life instead of being in a search mode for a husband. She believes that I am wasting my time with going out with different boyfriends or staying up late with a bunch of friends partying. In her perspective, I should by now have a family and raising kids or bearing babies. This is in my pipeline but I am not in a rush. Things should come by normally and not being planned for. Now I end up suffering and worrying. I constantly have bade moods and feeling pressured. It's like ideas are stuck in my head. Plus, when it comes to finding a husband I am helpless. Basically I can't do anything about it. I try to relieve her stress but we are discussing this topic almost everyday. She reminds me of ppl I turned down in the past and blames me that I should've not given up such opportunities. Good ppl are not around the corner. As if I will not find a partner ever.
In 2 years I will turn 30, the age where it's hard to find a partner. If a woman is productive and empowered men will be afraid to approach her. What kind of sick mentality is that!!! Imagine that I have to hear these sick ideas everyday. If I stop her from carrying on with her demonstration of sick social taboos, she'll take it personal and stop talking to me. I wish I can move out of the house but this is also not common.
I am afraid to rush into marrying someone just to release the burden of this pressure and then regret it. It's a difficult situation I am in. Even if I go out and enjoy myself, when I come home this sense of guilt chases me. Her words just run and run in my mind..