My Mom's angry at me and won't let me see Dad. What do I do?

I can understand why mom won't let him out, but why won't she let you in? Has SHE been evaluated for dementia? How in the world can a 92 year old care for a dementia patient alone, who has poa, health care proxies, etc? Mom needs to be seen by a doctor.

Their both adults. And your father willingly obeys his wife. As long as she's of sound mind, then no government authority will step in. Unless there's proof of abuse or neglect. And even then, they usually wait until something bad happens -like a fall that causes injury.

Therefore, you need to figure out your mother and how to sweet talk your way into the house. Your mom obviously doesn't trust you. So, you need to think outside the box. Get your mom to accept you as a non-threat. And maybe - she will allow you in. Only you know how she thinks. So, what can you do to allay her fears and have her open the door for you. No more threatening her of APS, or calling the cops, etc... If you angered her, apologize. But do Not make it soooo obvious!

So can you mend fences with your mom so that she's not mad at you and will let you in their home? Even if you don't mean it (like apologizing or whatever it takes to get her over her anger at you)...just as a means to an end of seeing your dad. I'd consider that. Go to see both of them, not just your dad. Take some kind of food they both like.

have you tried going to the house with another person. Maybe someone that is friendly with your mom. Do you have an aunt or uncle that would be willing to run interference. Sometimes their behavior is different when an outsider is around. I know my mom has demetia and sometimes she talks to me terribly but never when another person is around. Just remember, if you manage to get in the door, be as sweet as pie to your mom and offer to help with things. Maybe if she sees that you aren't there to be critical she may soften a bit. Do you think maybe she is afraid if someone sees what shape your dad is in they will remove him from the house and she will be alone. That could be a very real fear for her.

Okay, I don't know your mom. I'm not sure about your legal right to see your dad--you should probably consult an eldercare attorney about that. But you dad--unless he's been deemed incompetent, has a right to see you. Which is why I asked about poa, etc. Would dad like to move to a nice assisted living place with his own money? Is dad unhappy? If these two have a comfortable dysfunctional relationship that has lasted all these years, you may not be able to do anything about it unless your dad decides to break out of his self imposed prison. All he has to do is walk out with you waiting in the car. Yes, she's scary. Can you offer to take him to a doctor or dentist visit? For a haircut? Arrange to come over while she's getting her hair done?

I get a bit of the pictue. If your Dad is still technically competent, then he can walk away, if he's not competent, you need to help him get away. That's the bottom line here.

NY, I hope that I wasn't stating the obvious. But from experience, I know that when you're under stress, the obvious is sometimes anything but. Just remember that your dad is part of this "dance". It can be painful to extricate oneself from a relationship like this when one is young and resourceful; when one is older and suffering from dementia, I'm not so sure that it's possible to develop the new neural pathways needed to do this sort of task. It feels to me like part of you wants Dad to break free to validate your perception of your mom; I could be off base about that. It's probably secondary, at best, to you're wanting the best for your father. Just remember that the two things you want, validation and a good life for dad, may have opposing solutions. My good thoughts and hopes go with you.

The heck with getting dad away. He would be miserable, he would be lost without her. This is the relationship he chose so many years ago, it has not changed, just accented.
He did not leave her when he was capable, ypu have no right to force a seperation by removing him.
Your mother is likely jealous of the fact that your main concern is him. Dad is 92, you have no legal standing.....so bite your tongue and kiss up to mom if you want to have dad in your life.

I am totally aware of people like your mom as I had a mother-in-law with these terrible flaws. I am a retired nurse with two specialties. 1) pediatrics 2) psychology. She was 30 years younger than my father-in-law. She tried the same tactics, and got away with lots more. I had the guidance counselor from my youngest child's school call me at work one day as she and her daughter were ttrying to remove my daughter out of school saying that her son and I were separated, and that no one had seen the likes of me in months. Imagine how the principal felt when I showed up with two policemen at my side. The guidance counselor was a friend of my sister and mil was trying to talk only with the principal. This sounds crude for me to say, but only I know for sure whether I forgave her for all the problems she caused. My husband and I prayed daily that something would change before we had to do care giving for them. It did. She died at age 50 and he lived to be 92. He was cared for his last 12 years by us and was such a joy most of the time. (He did try to have us arrested when we took his car keys away at 90, lol). These type of people do exist, she almost ruined my life and marriage and a lot more things in between. I could give so many more examples of her treatment such as the many times she attempted to go to my family with all the tales of me going out with dozens of men, lol. Her son and I have been married 42 years in November.

Hugs and prayers for you NY, and to anyone else living thru this situation.

Bandicoot, presumably your sister and her lawyer friend are doing what they're doing with your mother's approval, are they?

Just to be sure I've understood you correctly: your father is living at his home with your mother. Two months ago he was diagnosed with dementia, but more recently was assessed as still having mental capacity. You are now hoping to arrange a further assessment.

Your mother, meanwhile, is undermining your efforts. But is it correct that she is your father's primary caregiver, and the one responsible for his welfare?