My Mom's angry at me and won't let me see Dad. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

My Mom's angry at me and won't let me see Dad. What do I do?

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My parents are both 92 and live in their home independently. My Dad suffers from dementia. He is terrified of her as she emotionally abuses him if he goes against her wishes. He wants to see me, but I don't have any access to him. She does not allow him out of the house and won't let me in the house. He is a prisoner there. She doesn't talk to him if he tries to do anything that she hasn't approved. I want to see my father, especially because of his advanced age. I'm afraid she won't let me see him if he goes to the hospital or when he is dying. I spoke to APS, but they said that they can't "see" the kind of abuse I'm describing, so they can't do anything. Do I have any rights in this situation? He is under her control and is powerless.

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Bandicoot, presumably your sister and her lawyer friend are doing what they're doing with your mother's approval, are they?

Just to be sure I've understood you correctly: your father is living at his home with your mother. Two months ago he was diagnosed with dementia, but more recently was assessed as still having mental capacity. You are now hoping to arrange a further assessment.

Your mother, meanwhile, is undermining your efforts. But is it correct that she is your father's primary caregiver, and the one responsible for his welfare?
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marrage can be one 9f the greatest bondsof all. You are going to have to make some sort of peace with her and try to stick with it no matter what, if you want to see your dad at all. Tell her you love her and want to try for a good start. I bet that would make your dad happy. That is what I had to dowith my Mom. In my earlier adult life, I had to go to bars and pick her up and take the alcohol and pour it out,and also go get her from many men"s homes and take her home. I took care of her after many of her car wrecks, one off which she completely scalped herself. At this time she had a husband, 12 years younger than me who was too busy driving a truck to come home and tend to her. Within the next year I received a call that she was in hospice care with pancreatic cancer. I went to stay the next 4 days with her at this time. I was able to say goodbye with no regrets. I did all this because I grew up in a Christian home with a Father, Grandmother and Grandfather that taught me right from wrong. The only regret I have is that my Dad has a Mi st work fine day at the young age of 57 and I never has the chance to tell him that day how much I loved him and goodbye. I said all this to tell you not to sweat the small stuff!, Ignore lots and to try your best. Pray without ceasing and you will make it thru this trying time.
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Does your Mom have a pastor she is fond of? Now I have some questions for you to do with a little soul-searching......Your Mom could die just as quickly as your Dad and you really don't want a heavy heart of not having any closure there, either, do you? Let"s look at some facts here. I don"t remember your mom"s age but I do recall that your dad was in his 90"s, making him of the age that my dad would be, in he had lived. Most of these peopl free are just like my Dad did, and taught me to do. It was for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in continuing till death do we pass. So most likely your Mom and Dad are in it for the long run. They have had the same address together, no matter where they lived, same phone number together, and most likely joint banking accounts. I bet if they own a house, it is in both their names and so is their car. Some of these things may have changed if Medicaid has some into play, but only for health reasons. They have also have had children togethher (you included) which in a strong
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I am totally aware of people like your mom as I had a mother-in-law with these terrible flaws. I am a retired nurse with two specialties. 1) pediatrics 2) psychology. She was 30 years younger than my father-in-law. She tried the same tactics, and got away with lots more. I had the guidance counselor from my youngest child's school call me at work one day as she and her daughter were ttrying to remove my daughter out of school saying that her son and I were separated, and that no one had seen the likes of me in months. Imagine how the principal felt when I showed up with two policemen at my side. The guidance counselor was a friend of my sister and mil was trying to talk only with the principal. This sounds crude for me to say, but only I know for sure whether I forgave her for all the problems she caused. My husband and I prayed daily that something would change before we had to do care giving for them. It did. She died at age 50 and he lived to be 92. He was cared for his last 12 years by us and was such a joy most of the time. (He did try to have us arrested when we took his car keys away at 90, lol). These type of people do exist, she almost ruined my life and marriage and a lot more things in between. I could give so many more examples of her treatment such as the many times she attempted to go to my family with all the tales of me going out with dozens of men, lol. Her son and I have been married 42 years in November.

Hugs and prayers for you NY, and to anyone else living thru this situation.
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I have the same problem with my mom.She won't let me see my father, he is 82 and she is 75. He's only recently(2months) been diagnosed with dementia, my sister has a lawyer/solicitor as a friend and they are trying to put him in a home.They served him papers to have a assessment on his mental capacity. Which he passed.My father recently(about 3 weeks ago) walked out on his Dr, because his Dr didn't seem to care. So I took him to a different Dr, to get a second opinion and to find out what his options are for the future. While I was concentrating on helping my dad, behind his back my mom and sister were arranging to get Guardianship, so they could put him in a home. Now whenever I try to take my dad to see his new Dr, my mom keeps changing his appointement times without telling him or me. And now she won't let me see him, I don't understand why they are doing this,it's breaking my heart and my father's.
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Thank you, Sozzy1. I know that you get it. You sound just like me--as my mother has ruined my life in many ways as well, and even in this situation, with my father having so little time, she continues also to be controlling, cruel, and manipulative. I've been in therapy most of my life dealing with the scars she has left. I have tried to make sense of who she is, and for that I recommend PEOPLE OF THE LIE by M. Scott Peck. The book helps you to see clearly that these people are evil--but a book and therapy can never take away the pain that this type of person can cause. I have been a psychotherapist for 30 years myself, and you are right, nothing can prepare you for this feeling of helplessness. I wish you all the best.
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I wish you lots of luck, I am in very similar situation in the UK and desperately want to see my dad who has vascular dementia is doubly incontinent and hoisted 4 times a day. My brother who has always colluded with my mum, wouldn't even tell me dad was ill (i'd found out via his ex wife) and would only say he was old which is meaningless. I am told that my parents don't want to see me but I don't believe that of my dad whom I love dearly and I know loves me. whats worse is my brother has power of attorney, is driving around in a porsche and has several overseas holidays a year. I'm not interested in the money at all although my last conversation with my dad 5 years ago was one in which he told me that I was 'catered for" as this is the way he can demonstrate his love without my mum knowing. I just want to see him, care for him a little and say goodbye. Countrymouse you are lucky that you have never been in this situation, these people are powerful and my mother has ruined my life in a lot of ways, I've managed and moved on but even in near death she is controlling, cruel and manipulative. I've been a social worker for 25 years and have learnt not to judge but nothing can prepare you for the feeling of helplessness in a situation like this.
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NY in your words, you were considering removing him "Yes ba8, I realize that I do need to help him get away. I'll be consulting an attorney this week. Thanks very much".
My only point is the most expeditious route may be to make peace with mom. Easier said than done, no doubt.
I wish you well, and I hope at least you have the comfort that your father knows you love him. I do hope you can get to tell him soon.
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Ismiami--I don't want to remove Dad, I just want to have the right to see him. Especially after reading some of the concerns of others on this forum, I don't want to be left standing at the nurses' station while Dad is on his deathbed because my mother left orders that I am not allowed to see him. I'm trying to be proactive by getting legal advice on this matter. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for his only child to have access to him at his advanced age. I really think I've been perceived incorrectly on this forum. I am not trying to "remove" him, because I know that would most likely upset him. I know this is the life he chose. Do you understand that it's painful to know that with such little time left on this earth that I can't see my father? How to see my father was my primary problem when I first posted on here.
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The heck with getting dad away. He would be miserable, he would be lost without her. This is the relationship he chose so many years ago, it has not changed, just accented.
He did not leave her when he was capable, ypu have no right to force a seperation by removing him.
Your mother is likely jealous of the fact that your main concern is him. Dad is 92, you have no legal standing.....so bite your tongue and kiss up to mom if you want to have dad in your life.
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