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My mom has early onset Alzheimer's. I live with her at her home and for the past two years, I have been caring for her because my non existent brother only shows up for food and money. He keeps telling her there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm robbing her blind yet he is no where to be seen unless he needs money for his overdraft bank account. I have health problems as well but I have to put them on hold to care for her. I love her more than life itself, but the daily screaming at me is hard to deal with. I have become so depressed at the things she says to me. She accuses me of stealing her money, spying on her son, really bizarre behavior and other things. I have no other place to live because I gave up everything to be with her. I just don't know what else to do. Should I just throw my hands up in the air and walk away and leave her to her son or should I stay and fight for her? My emotions are all over the place and I cannot even think of dating or even marrying for that matter. I am 53 and she is 75.

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Blondie...are you out there? You've gotten many good suggestions and folks have posed a few questions for you. It's hard to be helpful if we don't hear anything back from you. Can you check in?
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You have no idea how your brother does not realize that Mom's illness has taken its toll on you. I feel that way because taking care of my grandmother at age 41 is taking its toll on my health as well I don't sleep much, lost interest in things that I enjoy doing like dating and having a social life. I spend days outside of my job taking care of her and it's unfair how my family members get to take a vacation and I can't go anywhere except work and home. I feel like a prisoner who is doing a life sentence with no sign of parole. You may want to consider options about her going into senior living since she's early onset and not advanced with a home care aide that can come in a few days a week to work with her. You need a life of your own and your brother is a piece of work for making it seem as if you're the one doing wrong when he's only around when he needs money and food. I hope that you can find a positive solution to this with options that will take some of the stress and burden off you so you can maintain your health and well being.
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chocolinda...ignorant people are those who think their way is the only way! please don't send me your nasty personal emails because i expressed my opinion????
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I think it would be wise for you to see the town's social worker. I am on my mobile device right now, else I would see where you live.
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So agree with DianeMarie. I am blessed to have a young neighbor mom who wanted a job during school hours and who comes for 6 hours each day, Monday through Friday. In addition to helping my 96 year old mom with meals and hygeine, she has become a friend to both of us. Somedays she just focuses on cheering my mom up.. like watching old movies with her or doing her hair. And for those six hours, I have my life back. It really is true that you have to take care of yourself first. And always remember that you cant make her be happy and sweet again, no matter how hard you try. She is the victum of dying brain cells and has no control over much of what she feels or does. Best of luck to you!
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Ummm
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It can help all of us to view Teepa Snow videos. Just type in her name. You learn a lot as caregivers & where the patient is. TEEPA SNOW. Tell your friends.
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If you post on an open forum such as this, then anyone can make a comment or a suggestion. . If you don't care for their comments, then don't post in the first place. Ignorance abounds in this day and age.
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Unfortunately she is at the stage where this behavior is quite common. Don't walk away from her. Just try to tolerate it and let it go. As her disease progresses she will stop the combative behavior. I know it all to well from my own family. Just hang in there.
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If none of the above suggestions work...and she continues to be this abuse...LEAVE!! You are tooo young to give up your life for constant abuse if it continues. goood luck...have read many posts on this topic!
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Yes, all the legalities are important but that will not change the behaviors. You and your mom need to see her PCP and have a conversation about appropriate meds to ease your mom's anxiety. The diagnosis of Alzheimers is heart wrentching for family and patient. She needs to vent her frustration and unfortunatly you are caught in the crossfire. Have you contacted you local Alzheimers Association? Your mom may resist however this may be her way of not facing what she knows is her future. Being her advocate is difficult but stand firm, contact a local Ombudsman for advice re: your brother. Now is not the time to bail and leave her to your brother's irresponsibility. Be patient, hire a caregiver if need be to give yourself some respite and see her PCP asap. She will not make reasonable decisions re: POA's in the mindset that she is in now if they are not already in place . If they are not, time is of the essence as her condition progresses. There is help for you - you just need to seek them out
and the Alzheimers Association can help you with that. Best of luck.
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I do private duty care in an independent living facility and we have quite a few residents who are at the early stages of Alzheimer's or have dementia. I know how frustrating it must be for you but I want you to know this sounds like very typical behavior. God Bless you for your determination to care for mom.
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I have the same problem. 3 years in a row. Last year I had to put himself on citalipram and it helped after 2 weeks. Then a month ago he did it again. Could not believe it. I think he became immune, just a guess. Got him on Remeron. It seems like be working, but Dad's not up yet. The medications available now can be prescribed by your regular Dr. Dad threatens me he is going to call the DA and have me arrested if I don't give his $$$ bac. I have to get both brothers involved then. Getting a letter from a Psych ASAP. I am having a lot of trouble from the oldest brother now, he is so lost I don't know what to say. He wanted me to pay rent. Start paying for all sorts of things. Mom passed away on 2/09/14 and she had a very alert mind. My brother is PoA and Executor. He has stopped every thing our Mother had set up with me. 3 and 1/2 years I was Caregiver for both parents and the last 2 and1/2 years only Dad and he has dementia with occasional anger and the accusations of me stealing. So try the medications and Pray, it helps me a lot.
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The paranoia that your mother is exhibiting is a classic symptom of dementia/Alzheimer's.

The other's suggestions are very valid. You cannot continue to do this without assistance. In order to be the best advocate for your mom, you need to care for yourself as well.

I hope that these links are helpful:

http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-suspicion-delusions.asp

nextavenue
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Blonde - do you mean your mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's vs early on-set? Early on-set means being diagnosed with the disease prior to age 65 and only happens in 5 - 10 percent of cases. I ask because if your mother is still in the early stage she is likely still competent to accompany you to an elder care attorney- where you need to get a few things in writting before you continue on with being your mothers caregiver. Get a Durable Power of Attorney that will allow you to make both medical and financial decisions on your mothers behalf. Get a caregivers contract in place that defines how you are to be compensated NOW for your mothers care - a salary, room and board etc. If your mothers finances do not allow for paying you a salary, ensure that there is a will in place that will provide you with something after your mother passes to help to compensate you for her care - make sure either you or a third party is the executor, not your brother. All these things are vitally important - for Medicaid eligibility so anything mom pays you is not viewed as a gift - and so you are provided for after having given up so much to care for your mother. We see it here time and again- caregiving adult children left both broke and homeless after the parent passes and the proper provisions were not made to consider the caregivers future. Do not continue to sacrifice your own future security without these safeguards in place.
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I had a similar situation. My mom is 93 and has Alzheimer's. Years ago when I first started realizing she had dementia were horrible - same scenario - anger, accusations etc. My sister who hasn't seen her mother in over 25 years, but who received money from mom constantly, would fuel that suspicion, telling mom not to trust me. I became the horrible person (the only one who actually helped her).

I would get advice from a social worker or an attorney. In this case; you may want to seek guardianship - or you can get a court appointed guardian. POA is good, but your mom can change it at any time. Guardianship granted by the court is approval that your mom cannot manage her affairs; and it protects her and you from family members that would take advantage of her.

You say you have no where else to go; there are always other alternative. Maybe social services can help you find affordable housing. Dementia is hard on a caregiver and usually early onset progresses more rapidly. Caring for my mom did affect my health (long story). I recently placed my mom in memory care and I am finally learning how to relax again - I don't have to worry about mom any more.

It is really important that you embrace the services out there. You can call the local agency for aging and start there.
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It is time for your brother to take some responsibilities. I had to do the same with my brother. I live half-time with my mother and the other half in Florida. I have a husband and need to live my life with him as well. My brother re-married and lives about 25 minutes away from my mother who had been living alone until she could not when I was not there. It was time for him to step up. I "asked" him to look for responsible aides to watch her during the day, or take her to his home (which I knew he would not do!). He and his wife interviewed and found them under duress. A situation with my mother when she escaped from the house, led them to hire a person at night as well. My mother's behavior toward me (same as yours - exactly!!!) prompted us to keep the help even when I came home from Florida; she was more than a handful, combative, angry and harmful to everyone around her. We filed for Medicaid because funds were rapidly running out. We had to seek out an Elder Lawyer (watch out for them as well!!!) and now we await the decision as to how many hours we will have with caregivers. As long as you monitor her caregivers, make sure that they treat her well, that you are around her sufficiently, that she sees you, and knows that you are there (she still will abuse you verbally and the sun will still shine on her "boy") things will greatly improve for you. Not all together. For some reason I still feel guilty, but that is my problem, I guess. I believe I have done everything possible for her. I do not want to put her in a nursing home; I promised her I never would. I hope that her behavior will not lead me to break that promise.
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Good for you for asking these questions and being in touch with this website. It is so helpful to have other opinions, for leaving these life changing, complex decisions only within the family, can end up playing out very limited family interpretations of roles, instead of getting support to divide up the work and commitment between several people.

I have a few thoughts, related to taking care of yourself. I also cared extensively for my disabled brother for years, and don't regret it - BUT my doing so, informally - left the rest of the family with their old, uninformed interpretations, so comments were made, help and support were refused, that left me with scars.

I agree with the person who suggested that you get a close friend - or I would say, a paid helper - to come to the home on a regular basis, at least 3 times a week. This extra set of eyes and help, is really important for you, so you don't take on the whole roller-coaster of emotions following those of your mom, without relief. I'm struggling now to learn to live my own life, now that my brother's emergency needs are taken care of, since he lives in a nursing home now - and it is NOT easy. There is an organization called Underearners' Anonymous which has phone meetings, and one of them helps people shift from dependence on support from family, to building one's own support.

I also recommend, in terms of self understanding, the great movie, "Hello, my name is Doris" - about the major challenge of a caretaker for years - major challenge to enter a social world after years of separation as she did the care for her mother.

Life is so fast paced and complicated today, as people have moved so far apart and our world separates generations, genders, races, and relegates "therapy" to offices, where real life constrictions, opportunities and constraints are not so easy to address in such separate settings.

So my version of an answer for you is to affirm that it matters to get the paperwork in order, get help with that part - over time, not overnight, but plan for files to store information. Talk with senior centers and say you need help, and look to family resources - or help to apply for entitlements - to pay for regular help. Promises from friends or neighbors are very hard to sustain today, you have to know someone very special who can allot dependable time commitments - otherwise, everyone shows up when they can, often not enough to help as needed, and needs evolve.

Start looking at separating your needs from your mom's or else you will have your family assume you are sponging off of her, not realizing how much help she needs regularly. In terms of her behavior - review your own schedule monthly, and decide how much time you can cheerfully give, without resentment. Plan to give that schedule, and practice ways of saying, "Love you! Glad I'm here! See you this afternoon...." . And leave.

And keep writing here, find support groups for those who help folks w Alzheimers, and consider what form your life can develop, when your mom is gone. All the best!
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Hi, I'm writing from Australia.... I must write that the most important person on this journey is You. You Must always put yourself in consideration before you think of
1. Your Mum
2.Your brother.

So what do You feel would help you out immediately?
Short Term
Medium Term
Long term.

Personally: there are some Awesome suggestions here.... I like what Babalou writes and a few others.
Immediately: I'de look up a good advocate who can link you up with a good attorney.
Someone before explained that.
Good luck, I hope that you get what you deserve: immediately that would be a cuppa tea and a good night sleep right ??
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First of all, GOOD for you reaching out for advice. And for giving up everything to live with and care for your mom. Alzheimers is worst for the primary care giver. You see this person that raised you and molded you change into and unrecognizable person.
The Elder care lawyer is always recommended, but if you can't afford to go that way, call your local council on aging. Get the process started to be her power of attny. Financial power of attny- medical power of attny. can she still do a living will. If you can make the changes to the financial issues, you can get your brother out of her finances.
Best of luck, you made a good first step, by asking for help here. there are a lot of people that have been through the same scenario.
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The next step seems likely to be some kind of nursing home
that can deal with patients who are losing their grip on reality.
And the long-term plan must ask
what would be the best pathway towards death for this patient.
How close are any families in such circumstances
to writing (with a terminal-care physician) an End-of-Life Medical Order?
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/ELMO.html
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is there any way too change a insurance paper that brother got mom too sign over too him .I am the soul caregiver live with her take care of her day night at the time my dad had just passed away and she was signing papers which now she doesnt remember doing `.i dont work anymore as i look after her .would appreciate some advice i make sure her bills are paid and the insurance payment every month
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I am on the same boat as you wish my dad except I am 49 with severe cerebral palsy. I took care of my mom before she went to the nursing facility with dad's help. Now, Dad's is 89 and has montorate dementia. His memory, comprehension and mood swings are getting worse. He doesn't give a crap about my needs as he used to. He thinks I'm upset with him when I am not. He's very self centered.

Crying relieves tension for me. Don't give up and just realize that your mom doesn't mean to yell at you even if it hurts you and tears you up. If you need extra help, talk to her doctor abour finding a social worker to get an inhome care for your mom.
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I went through it so I know how scary and stressful it can be. Counseling helped me cope and learn new strategies for dealing with the accusations. Initially I was shocked and angry and making myself sick, thinking my mom who I loved so much was saying those things. But the counselor made me realize it was not her talking, it was the sickness. And I learned to separate them. She taught me how to answer the sickness in a non confrontational way and keep focused on the love and helping my mom. Eventually things got really bad, and she was very agitated and paranoid. The group here recommended taking her to a geriatric psychiatrist and he gave her some medications that calmed her down. You are on a difficult road, but remember to take a certain amount of time to give back to yourself so you can preserve your health. Good luck.
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Run, don't, walk away. At least do not live with her. But even if you do not live with her when you see her it will be the same. Find a really good caregiver from a reputable company and let them cook, clean, shop do laundry etc. for her.
Ignoring your own health (I did the same thing for 10 years) is not good. The anxiety and depression is bad enough but down the line other health issues will surface. Seven months after my partner went into a nursing home in another state closer to his family I had a heart attack. I was so depressed during the last 3 years that the last year I spent paralyzed on my sofa or in bed with the covers over my head. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. I felt guilty even though I wasn't doing anything but trying to help. Lose the guilt. You are still young. You can recover from this but the first step is making the decision to take your life back. She sounds ready to be in assisted living or a nursing home. If you are a praying woman I would start there. Struggles in life always be worse right before God sends you a blessing and relief. Take care of yourself for a change. Go have dinner with a friend which you haven't had time to see. God bless.
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Our much criticized Congress has legislated some wonderful programs for us. If your mom's financial situatiom allows for Medicaid, it can be utilized in conjunction with Medicare and Medicaid covers more things particular to dementia.
I watched my wife through the very things you describe and looking back years, realize that the onset was happening for over 10 years before it really became full dementia. Then I struggled with her for 5 years, before I discovered the Congress intended assistance. My wifes' exreme dementia is now managable, and it is extreme. She can't communicate, an autistic toddler who can't reason or learn. She is on her feet all day and only sleeps intermittently. She is passed the stage of being mean and accusing of everyone. She barely acknowledges the existence of other creatures, family, pet's. She has to be watched 24/7, by a person within reach, because she doesn't understand things in this world, including her own body. She has this manifestation, called 'alien arm'. Her brain doesn't think her left arm belongs to her, so she often hides it behind her back and when really agitated she will twist the wrist and act like she is tossing it away.
My heart goes out to you with the accusations and hatefulness. I went through that for 5 years and I much prefer this 24/7 of hand feeding, toileting, bathing, and constant watch. Medicaid provides home attendant care in my state.
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I would just like to add that you must not take her anger at you and her accusations personally. I am dealing with a disabled husband and my mom, who is 94 and in a nursing home Alzheimer's ward. There is no question that I love both of them, but the verbal abuse from them can be devastating. It took me a while to realize that my husband is not angry with me, but himself. Having to have me do everything for him except physically feed him is emasculating. My mom's mind is gone and although recently she's been ok, she can also be abusive, negative and nasty. Consider everything everyone here has said, especially about your brother. But see if it's feasible to hire someone to come in for a few hours a few times a week so you can get out and maintain your own health. I escape by babysitting my grandkids. Sending good thoughts..
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2 yrs. is the timeframe for being with your mom that you'd be allowed to stay in the home, but that doesn't help much now; that's also how long my dad's grandson stayed with him before he got to the point you are now, but he also dealt with the fact that dad wanted him there but he also didn't want him to have any authority or his house or any of his money; didn't put him in his will at all, maybe for the reasons Diane stated, although they were other issues at play; maybe that's part at least of why grandson brought girlfriend in and think it was a help; she was a big help in taking care of dad; she came to really care for dad but she also thought she was going to get something out of it, too, that didn't happen either, actually as much as dad appreciated what she did, he still, just on principle, didn't like the idea of her being there; grandson is still glad he did it, but plans and preparation should have been made while he was there for when it would be over, but at least he has been able to stay in the house, but I agree with seeing about meds; we were at that point with dad.

Now, having said all that, the issue with your brother is part of why dad handled things the way he did with grandson; he had been the one, so maybe that's an answer in itself, but in dealing with hub's aunt and uncle that was an issue there, they were giving their money away that they could have been using for homecare but would not get their legal stuff in order for the one they were giving it to who was living with them and helping them, at least somewhat, but either someone else didn't feel they were or didn't think they should be getting money for it, but anyway, it began to seem as if they got uncle to get the legal stuff in order for them without aunt knowing it but somebody - like the one who was staying with them - may have found out because they quit, maybe like the advice you've been given, why should they keep on if they weren't going to be allowed to do it legally; they weren't allowed to have their money on their accounts - again, like dad; he wouldn't put his grandson on his - they'd put their son and dil on their accounts way before and had taken her checkbook away but she'd demanded it back, saying she would get a lawyer; she'd always handled it, ordered more checks and the last pack disappeared, being written out of, so at least checking account almost bankrupted, but that did get stopped; she is on Alzheimer's meds but just from her regular doc not a psychiatrist, so she says he's not qualified to diagnose her; uncle's a vet so they've gotten him the money from there for home care and have been supposed to have started that but doesn't seem to have happened but agree what needs to be done but you seem to be without means to do so, so much as we sympathize, not sure what to say, except agree it could cause you issues, dad's grandson was at that point, sounds you did give up house and job, like dad's grandson did, to move in with and take care of dad and he was even younger, which maybe did help; he was at least able to get a job later with social security thinking of retirement later on and at least dad was a vet as well, so got he got paid but in hindsight, not sure it was worth it; maybe just should have used it to hire somebody else so he could have at least worked, especially since the job he was able to get later didn't really pay all that much, maybe not even as much as he was getting for taking care of dad; I'm assuming your mom's household bills are being paid by her? also, the money she's giving to your brother could count against her if you try to get her Medicaid, although there are usually ways of working that out; dil's grandmother going through that right now; she was doing that and Medicaid or nursing home took them to court but also do you want the responsibility of making your mom's decisions; when it got to the point with dad, as much as grandson wanted to be included in will, etc., he either didn't want to make those decisions, or....did he not because he wasn't included, didn't want the responsibility without authority? which can understand, which led to some real issues; would your brother interfere at that point? even though grandson didn't want to make the decisions, he didn't like the ones I made either and created some real problems over it. Do you have children?
Not sure how well you'll be able to follow any of this; the situations I've been involved in these others were not able to because the relative would not go along, which puts you in a hard spot, I know
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I dont anyone can prepare you for this disease as the person you know and love has changed and you dont know how to deal with it. You need professional help and its available if you look, through your GP, who can refer you. If you are not happy with one GP, find another till you find the right person. You cant deal with this sick person in the same way, she has become like a little child, some days good, some days bad and its unpredictable. Sometimes its the medications that cause it. There are Help phone lines from Alzheimers and Dementia, who are really good in advising you how to deal with the different mood changes like accusations and what strategies to use to help you best cope. I am not sure which country you live in, but here in Aus they are very helpful on the phone. With regard to care, its a 24 hour job for one person to take on board and eventually you will burn out and you may even get too sick to care for her. It is rewarding, you will feel the blessings and strength God gives you and you wonder how you did it. But you have to make a decision and people understand you when you do as they are the experts handling these situations. There are good care facilities if you look around and find whats right.
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Just one woman's experience: meds made all the difference for my mom. She went from calling the police on me (!) to being a real puddy tat.

I thank God every day for the scientists slaving away in their laboratories to develop these meds.
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