My mom has early on set Alzheimer's and her behavior is making me question if I should stay or walk away?

Are you her appointed Durable Power of Attorney? If not, is your mom still competent enough to appoint you? Would she do that? Or are you her court appointed Guardian? Without legal authority to act on her behalf through either a Durable POA or Guardianship, it's difficult to make decisions and act on behalf of another. And the way your brother is treating her will be challenging to deal with unless you have authority. He'll have to be dealt with.

It's really challenging to support and care for a person who has dementia. They are sometimes difficult, abrupt and resistant to care. I would think hard about the challenge of the responsibility.

I would get legal advice from an Elder Law attorney. If your mom ends up needing financial help from Medicaid for long term care, her house may be considered an asset and a lien place on it. I'd check to see if there are exceptions for keeping the house in the family, if an adult child resides in the home for a certain number of years providing care that keeps the patient in home. Someone learned in Medicaid rules will know all about that. I'd find out what the rules are, before making my decision. Some other poster around here probably know about that rule. Maybe they will chime in here.

Whether you stay is up to you, but I would learn a lot about what the disease entails and how difficult it is to provide around the clock care in the home for a dementia patient. I'd explore what help she may be entitled to and make plans for the future, with her help, if she still able to assist you. Is there anyone else in the family, who might be able to help you, besides your brother?

Good morning, I don't have an answer for you. You have sacrificed and given and now it is turning on you. This happens. A lot. I had a friend tell me last week that 90% of caregivers who take in a relative full time end up being the one that is taken OUT of the will. You are her jailer. You know all the secrets. You are witness to every moment of clarity and confusion. And it is too much for anyone. I think if I were to do this over I would keep a third party close by. A trusted friend who could be at the house OFTEN with me. This person plays the buffer role. They can be removed and they can laugh, joke, play.... they live in the SADNESS so they can come and go and bring you energy. I hire a handyman for that role and a nurse for the day time to get away.

Here is my final thought. My father nearly died last week. I thought he was gone. BUT in that moment when I thought it was over I knew that all the struggle had been worth it. The pain of it faded away. The memories of the horror faded away.... and I felt peace. So now I can keep going. PLAN while you are in this. PREPARE while you are in this. You will still be here when she is gone. Love to you.

typo... they don't live in the sadness

How about getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist? See if meds for her agitation might help before you make a decision to wal away.

Please seek crisis counseling? Do a search "Crisis Counselor - your city or zip" The situation you describe is very damaging to you. You love and respect your mother, and you must also love and respect yourself. Please do not ignore the abuse you are receiving?

You are a wonderful daughter and have taken the monumental jobs of dealing with a devastating illness and a predatory sibling. You deserve a break. If she has money to give to your sibling she has money for home care. If you decide to stay in the caregiver role, get the legal stuff in order. There is a lot to deal with and an attorney is recommended. Get your name on all her accounts. Get the checkbook away from mom before she bankrupts herself. Get her to a psychiatrist. Then get her home care for a month so you can breathe again. You must get relief and you must take care of yourself. Hugs to you and sincere best wishes to you on your journey.

Being a sole caregiver in a situation such as you described has been shown to be damaging mentally to the caregiver. You've already seen the effects on your health. It can also affect your brain. You say you gave up everything, not sure if that means a job, a home or what, but you are young and you need to think of your future. Will you have adequate earnings for social security? Retirement income? Being a good daughter does not mean one must be a martyr. Get your mom competent trained help or into a home. Relieve yourself of too much contact and get counseling to deal with her behavior and how to handle it for your MENTAL HEALTH.

Listen to Sunnygirl's advice.
Before you take on the responsibility of caring for a parent be sure and have all legal documents your parents made reviewed by an attorney. Do not end up in the role of caretaker only to find out an uninvolved sibling can make the final health or financial decisions because of previously drawn up documents by your parents. Only take on the care taker role if you have full control over all decisions. I learned this lesson while taking care of my mother. Caring for your mother will be a full time job that family members usually do not appreciate. Get all the help you can.

53 is still young if you're free to live your life. When I was 53, my father died suddenly. As an only child, I took full responsibility for my mother. Her doctor said my mother did not know me from a chair. I cared for her at home for the few weeks it too me to have her placed in a care facility. At the time, my children and stepchildren were teenagers and I was starting a new job. By leaving the care of my mother to others, I was able to remain with my employer until I retired at 62, take a pension from the employer and starting to collect Social Security. I do not regret my decision. Listen to the advice of the others here.

All our friends have given you good advice. Think about all your options. Maybe she is eligible for some home care that could free you. You cannot be the only caregiver for 24/7. You will burnout. Others are trained to care for dementia patients. They are not emotionally involved so the screaming etc does not bother them. We are all in this land of caring with you. Courage!!

You need an advocate and someone to help guide and support you through this very difficult disease. It does not get better for your mom or easier for you. My mom is older and has dimentia. We made the decision to move her from an independent care home to a memory care community. Your mom may not be there yet but start planning now. You have to get professional care for her. Face the fact that your brother will likely be unhelpful. Take the bull by the horns, with someone else to advocate for you.
My mom is safe, and engaged, and cared for. I am still her main family caregiver and her best friend. We have good days and bad days. Just do the best you can and ask for help. God Bless‼️‼️

Just one woman's experience: meds made all the difference for my mom. She went from calling the police on me (!) to being a real puddy tat.

I thank God every day for the scientists slaving away in their laboratories to develop these meds.

I dont anyone can prepare you for this disease as the person you know and love has changed and you dont know how to deal with it. You need professional help and its available if you look, through your GP, who can refer you. If you are not happy with one GP, find another till you find the right person. You cant deal with this sick person in the same way, she has become like a little child, some days good, some days bad and its unpredictable. Sometimes its the medications that cause it. There are Help phone lines from Alzheimers and Dementia, who are really good in advising you how to deal with the different mood changes like accusations and what strategies to use to help you best cope. I am not sure which country you live in, but here in Aus they are very helpful on the phone. With regard to care, its a 24 hour job for one person to take on board and eventually you will burn out and you may even get too sick to care for her. It is rewarding, you will feel the blessings and strength God gives you and you wonder how you did it. But you have to make a decision and people understand you when you do as they are the experts handling these situations. There are good care facilities if you look around and find whats right.

2 yrs. is the timeframe for being with your mom that you'd be allowed to stay in the home, but that doesn't help much now; that's also how long my dad's grandson stayed with him before he got to the point you are now, but he also dealt with the fact that dad wanted him there but he also didn't want him to have any authority or his house or any of his money; didn't put him in his will at all, maybe for the reasons Diane stated, although they were other issues at play; maybe that's part at least of why grandson brought girlfriend in and think it was a help; she was a big help in taking care of dad; she came to really care for dad but she also thought she was going to get something out of it, too, that didn't happen either, actually as much as dad appreciated what she did, he still, just on principle, didn't like the idea of her being there; grandson is still glad he did it, but plans and preparation should have been made while he was there for when it would be over, but at least he has been able to stay in the house, but I agree with seeing about meds; we were at that point with dad.

Now, having said all that, the issue with your brother is part of why dad handled things the way he did with grandson; he had been the one, so maybe that's an answer in itself, but in dealing with hub's aunt and uncle that was an issue there, they were giving their money away that they could have been using for homecare but would not get their legal stuff in order for the one they were giving it to who was living with them and helping them, at least somewhat, but either someone else didn't feel they were or didn't think they should be getting money for it, but anyway, it began to seem as if they got uncle to get the legal stuff in order for them without aunt knowing it but somebody - like the one who was staying with them - may have found out because they quit, maybe like the advice you've been given, why should they keep on if they weren't going to be allowed to do it legally; they weren't allowed to have their money on their accounts - again, like dad; he wouldn't put his grandson on his - they'd put their son and dil on their accounts way before and had taken her checkbook away but she'd demanded it back, saying she would get a lawyer; she'd always handled it, ordered more checks and the last pack disappeared, being written out of, so at least checking account almost bankrupted, but that did get stopped; she is on Alzheimer's meds but just from her regular doc not a psychiatrist, so she says he's not qualified to diagnose her; uncle's a vet so they've gotten him the money from there for home care and have been supposed to have started that but doesn't seem to have happened but agree what needs to be done but you seem to be without means to do so, so much as we sympathize, not sure what to say, except agree it could cause you issues, dad's grandson was at that point, sounds you did give up house and job, like dad's grandson did, to move in with and take care of dad and he was even younger, which maybe did help; he was at least able to get a job later with social security thinking of retirement later on and at least dad was a vet as well, so got he got paid but in hindsight, not sure it was worth it; maybe just should have used it to hire somebody else so he could have at least worked, especially since the job he was able to get later didn't really pay all that much, maybe not even as much as he was getting for taking care of dad; I'm assuming your mom's household bills are being paid by her? also, the money she's giving to your brother could count against her if you try to get her Medicaid, although there are usually ways of working that out; dil's grandmother going through that right now; she was doing that and Medicaid or nursing home took them to court but also do you want the responsibility of making your mom's decisions; when it got to the point with dad, as much as grandson wanted to be included in will, etc., he either didn't want to make those decisions, or....did he not because he wasn't included, didn't want the responsibility without authority? which can understand, which led to some real issues; would your brother interfere at that point? even though grandson didn't want to make the decisions, he didn't like the ones I made either and created some real problems over it. Do you have children?
Not sure how well you'll be able to follow any of this; the situations I've been involved in these others were not able to because the relative would not go along, which puts you in a hard spot, I know

I would just like to add that you must not take her anger at you and her accusations personally. I am dealing with a disabled husband and my mom, who is 94 and in a nursing home Alzheimer's ward. There is no question that I love both of them, but the verbal abuse from them can be devastating. It took me a while to realize that my husband is not angry with me, but himself. Having to have me do everything for him except physically feed him is emasculating. My mom's mind is gone and although recently she's been ok, she can also be abusive, negative and nasty. Consider everything everyone here has said, especially about your brother. But see if it's feasible to hire someone to come in for a few hours a few times a week so you can get out and maintain your own health. I escape by babysitting my grandkids. Sending good thoughts..

Our much criticized Congress has legislated some wonderful programs for us. If your mom's financial situatiom allows for Medicaid, it can be utilized in conjunction with Medicare and Medicaid covers more things particular to dementia.
I watched my wife through the very things you describe and looking back years, realize that the onset was happening for over 10 years before it really became full dementia. Then I struggled with her for 5 years, before I discovered the Congress intended assistance. My wifes' exreme dementia is now managable, and it is extreme. She can't communicate, an autistic toddler who can't reason or learn. She is on her feet all day and only sleeps intermittently. She is passed the stage of being mean and accusing of everyone. She barely acknowledges the existence of other creatures, family, pet's. She has to be watched 24/7, by a person within reach, because she doesn't understand things in this world, including her own body. She has this manifestation, called 'alien arm'. Her brain doesn't think her left arm belongs to her, so she often hides it behind her back and when really agitated she will twist the wrist and act like she is tossing it away.
My heart goes out to you with the accusations and hatefulness. I went through that for 5 years and I much prefer this 24/7 of hand feeding, toileting, bathing, and constant watch. Medicaid provides home attendant care in my state.

Run, don't, walk away. At least do not live with her. But even if you do not live with her when you see her it will be the same. Find a really good caregiver from a reputable company and let them cook, clean, shop do laundry etc. for her.
Ignoring your own health (I did the same thing for 10 years) is not good. The anxiety and depression is bad enough but down the line other health issues will surface. Seven months after my partner went into a nursing home in another state closer to his family I had a heart attack. I was so depressed during the last 3 years that the last year I spent paralyzed on my sofa or in bed with the covers over my head. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. I felt guilty even though I wasn't doing anything but trying to help. Lose the guilt. You are still young. You can recover from this but the first step is making the decision to take your life back. She sounds ready to be in assisted living or a nursing home. If you are a praying woman I would start there. Struggles in life always be worse right before God sends you a blessing and relief. Take care of yourself for a change. Go have dinner with a friend which you haven't had time to see. God bless.

I went through it so I know how scary and stressful it can be. Counseling helped me cope and learn new strategies for dealing with the accusations. Initially I was shocked and angry and making myself sick, thinking my mom who I loved so much was saying those things. But the counselor made me realize it was not her talking, it was the sickness. And I learned to separate them. She taught me how to answer the sickness in a non confrontational way and keep focused on the love and helping my mom. Eventually things got really bad, and she was very agitated and paranoid. The group here recommended taking her to a geriatric psychiatrist and he gave her some medications that calmed her down. You are on a difficult road, but remember to take a certain amount of time to give back to yourself so you can preserve your health. Good luck.

I am on the same boat as you wish my dad except I am 49 with severe cerebral palsy. I took care of my mom before she went to the nursing facility with dad's help. Now, Dad's is 89 and has montorate dementia. His memory, comprehension and mood swings are getting worse. He doesn't give a crap about my needs as he used to. He thinks I'm upset with him when I am not. He's very self centered.

Crying relieves tension for me. Don't give up and just realize that your mom doesn't mean to yell at you even if it hurts you and tears you up. If you need extra help, talk to her doctor abour finding a social worker to get an inhome care for your mom.

is there any way too change a insurance paper that brother got mom too sign over too him .I am the soul caregiver live with her take care of her day night at the time my dad had just passed away and she was signing papers which now she doesnt remember doing `.i dont work anymore as i look after her .would appreciate some advice i make sure her bills are paid and the insurance payment every month

The next step seems likely to be some kind of nursing home
that can deal with patients who are losing their grip on reality.
And the long-term plan must ask
what would be the best pathway towards death for this patient.
How close are any families in such circumstances
to writing (with a terminal-care physician) an End-of-Life Medical Order?
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/ELMO.html

First of all, GOOD for you reaching out for advice. And for giving up everything to live with and care for your mom. Alzheimers is worst for the primary care giver. You see this person that raised you and molded you change into and unrecognizable person.
The Elder care lawyer is always recommended, but if you can't afford to go that way, call your local council on aging. Get the process started to be her power of attny. Financial power of attny- medical power of attny. can she still do a living will. If you can make the changes to the financial issues, you can get your brother out of her finances.
Best of luck, you made a good first step, by asking for help here. there are a lot of people that have been through the same scenario.

Hi, I'm writing from Australia.... I must write that the most important person on this journey is You. You Must always put yourself in consideration before you think of
1. Your Mum
2.Your brother.

So what do You feel would help you out immediately?
Short Term
Medium Term
Long term.

Personally: there are some Awesome suggestions here.... I like what Babalou writes and a few others.
Immediately: I'de look up a good advocate who can link you up with a good attorney.
Someone before explained that.
Good luck, I hope that you get what you deserve: immediately that would be a cuppa tea and a good night sleep right ??

Good for you for asking these questions and being in touch with this website. It is so helpful to have other opinions, for leaving these life changing, complex decisions only within the family, can end up playing out very limited family interpretations of roles, instead of getting support to divide up the work and commitment between several people.

I have a few thoughts, related to taking care of yourself. I also cared extensively for my disabled brother for years, and don't regret it - BUT my doing so, informally - left the rest of the family with their old, uninformed interpretations, so comments were made, help and support were refused, that left me with scars.

I agree with the person who suggested that you get a close friend - or I would say, a paid helper - to come to the home on a regular basis, at least 3 times a week. This extra set of eyes and help, is really important for you, so you don't take on the whole roller-coaster of emotions following those of your mom, without relief. I'm struggling now to learn to live my own life, now that my brother's emergency needs are taken care of, since he lives in a nursing home now - and it is NOT easy. There is an organization called Underearners' Anonymous which has phone meetings, and one of them helps people shift from dependence on support from family, to building one's own support.

I also recommend, in terms of self understanding, the great movie, "Hello, my name is Doris" - about the major challenge of a caretaker for years - major challenge to enter a social world after years of separation as she did the care for her mother.

Life is so fast paced and complicated today, as people have moved so far apart and our world separates generations, genders, races, and relegates "therapy" to offices, where real life constrictions, opportunities and constraints are not so easy to address in such separate settings.

So my version of an answer for you is to affirm that it matters to get the paperwork in order, get help with that part - over time, not overnight, but plan for files to store information. Talk with senior centers and say you need help, and look to family resources - or help to apply for entitlements - to pay for regular help. Promises from friends or neighbors are very hard to sustain today, you have to know someone very special who can allot dependable time commitments - otherwise, everyone shows up when they can, often not enough to help as needed, and needs evolve.

Start looking at separating your needs from your mom's or else you will have your family assume you are sponging off of her, not realizing how much help she needs regularly. In terms of her behavior - review your own schedule monthly, and decide how much time you can cheerfully give, without resentment. Plan to give that schedule, and practice ways of saying, "Love you! Glad I'm here! See you this afternoon...." . And leave.

And keep writing here, find support groups for those who help folks w Alzheimers, and consider what form your life can develop, when your mom is gone. All the best!

It is time for your brother to take some responsibilities. I had to do the same with my brother. I live half-time with my mother and the other half in Florida. I have a husband and need to live my life with him as well. My brother re-married and lives about 25 minutes away from my mother who had been living alone until she could not when I was not there. It was time for him to step up. I "asked" him to look for responsible aides to watch her during the day, or take her to his home (which I knew he would not do!). He and his wife interviewed and found them under duress. A situation with my mother when she escaped from the house, led them to hire a person at night as well. My mother's behavior toward me (same as yours - exactly!!!) prompted us to keep the help even when I came home from Florida; she was more than a handful, combative, angry and harmful to everyone around her. We filed for Medicaid because funds were rapidly running out. We had to seek out an Elder Lawyer (watch out for them as well!!!) and now we await the decision as to how many hours we will have with caregivers. As long as you monitor her caregivers, make sure that they treat her well, that you are around her sufficiently, that she sees you, and knows that you are there (she still will abuse you verbally and the sun will still shine on her "boy") things will greatly improve for you. Not all together. For some reason I still feel guilty, but that is my problem, I guess. I believe I have done everything possible for her. I do not want to put her in a nursing home; I promised her I never would. I hope that her behavior will not lead me to break that promise.

I had a similar situation. My mom is 93 and has Alzheimer's. Years ago when I first started realizing she had dementia were horrible - same scenario - anger, accusations etc. My sister who hasn't seen her mother in over 25 years, but who received money from mom constantly, would fuel that suspicion, telling mom not to trust me. I became the horrible person (the only one who actually helped her).

I would get advice from a social worker or an attorney. In this case; you may want to seek guardianship - or you can get a court appointed guardian. POA is good, but your mom can change it at any time. Guardianship granted by the court is approval that your mom cannot manage her affairs; and it protects her and you from family members that would take advantage of her.

You say you have no where else to go; there are always other alternative. Maybe social services can help you find affordable housing. Dementia is hard on a caregiver and usually early onset progresses more rapidly. Caring for my mom did affect my health (long story). I recently placed my mom in memory care and I am finally learning how to relax again - I don't have to worry about mom any more.

It is really important that you embrace the services out there. You can call the local agency for aging and start there.

Blonde - do you mean your mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's vs early on-set? Early on-set means being diagnosed with the disease prior to age 65 and only happens in 5 - 10 percent of cases. I ask because if your mother is still in the early stage she is likely still competent to accompany you to an elder care attorney- where you need to get a few things in writting before you continue on with being your mothers caregiver. Get a Durable Power of Attorney that will allow you to make both medical and financial decisions on your mothers behalf. Get a caregivers contract in place that defines how you are to be compensated NOW for your mothers care - a salary, room and board etc. If your mothers finances do not allow for paying you a salary, ensure that there is a will in place that will provide you with something after your mother passes to help to compensate you for her care - make sure either you or a third party is the executor, not your brother. All these things are vitally important - for Medicaid eligibility so anything mom pays you is not viewed as a gift - and so you are provided for after having given up so much to care for your mother. We see it here time and again- caregiving adult children left both broke and homeless after the parent passes and the proper provisions were not made to consider the caregivers future. Do not continue to sacrifice your own future security without these safeguards in place.

The paranoia that your mother is exhibiting is a classic symptom of dementia/Alzheimer's.

The other's suggestions are very valid. You cannot continue to do this without assistance. In order to be the best advocate for your mom, you need to care for yourself as well.

I hope that these links are helpful:

http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-suspicion-delusions.asp

nextavenue

I have the same problem. 3 years in a row. Last year I had to put himself on citalipram and it helped after 2 weeks. Then a month ago he did it again. Could not believe it. I think he became immune, just a guess. Got him on Remeron. It seems like be working, but Dad's not up yet. The medications available now can be prescribed by your regular Dr. Dad threatens me he is going to call the DA and have me arrested if I don't give his $$$ bac. I have to get both brothers involved then. Getting a letter from a Psych ASAP. I am having a lot of trouble from the oldest brother now, he is so lost I don't know what to say. He wanted me to pay rent. Start paying for all sorts of things. Mom passed away on 2/09/14 and she had a very alert mind. My brother is PoA and Executor. He has stopped every thing our Mother had set up with me. 3 and 1/2 years I was Caregiver for both parents and the last 2 and1/2 years only Dad and he has dementia with occasional anger and the accusations of me stealing. So try the medications and Pray, it helps me a lot.

I do private duty care in an independent living facility and we have quite a few residents who are at the early stages of Alzheimer's or have dementia. I know how frustrating it must be for you but I want you to know this sounds like very typical behavior. God Bless you for your determination to care for mom.