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My mom has early onset Alzheimer's. I live with her at her home and for the past two years, I have been caring for her because my non existent brother only shows up for food and money. He keeps telling her there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm robbing her blind yet he is no where to be seen unless he needs money for his overdraft bank account. I have health problems as well but I have to put them on hold to care for her. I love her more than life itself, but the daily screaming at me is hard to deal with. I have become so depressed at the things she says to me. She accuses me of stealing her money, spying on her son, really bizarre behavior and other things. I have no other place to live because I gave up everything to be with her. I just don't know what else to do. Should I just throw my hands up in the air and walk away and leave her to her son or should I stay and fight for her? My emotions are all over the place and I cannot even think of dating or even marrying for that matter. I am 53 and she is 75.

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You are a wonderful daughter and have taken the monumental jobs of dealing with a devastating illness and a predatory sibling. You deserve a break. If she has money to give to your sibling she has money for home care. If you decide to stay in the caregiver role, get the legal stuff in order. There is a lot to deal with and an attorney is recommended. Get your name on all her accounts. Get the checkbook away from mom before she bankrupts herself. Get her to a psychiatrist. Then get her home care for a month so you can breathe again. You must get relief and you must take care of yourself. Hugs to you and sincere best wishes to you on your journey.
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Please seek crisis counseling? Do a search "Crisis Counselor - your city or zip" The situation you describe is very damaging to you. You love and respect your mother, and you must also love and respect yourself. Please do not ignore the abuse you are receiving?
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Good morning, I don't have an answer for you. You have sacrificed and given and now it is turning on you. This happens. A lot. I had a friend tell me last week that 90% of caregivers who take in a relative full time end up being the one that is taken OUT of the will. You are her jailer. You know all the secrets. You are witness to every moment of clarity and confusion. And it is too much for anyone. I think if I were to do this over I would keep a third party close by. A trusted friend who could be at the house OFTEN with me. This person plays the buffer role. They can be removed and they can laugh, joke, play.... they live in the SADNESS so they can come and go and bring you energy. I hire a handyman for that role and a nurse for the day time to get away.

Here is my final thought. My father nearly died last week. I thought he was gone. BUT in that moment when I thought it was over I knew that all the struggle had been worth it. The pain of it faded away. The memories of the horror faded away.... and I felt peace. So now I can keep going. PLAN while you are in this. PREPARE while you are in this. You will still be here when she is gone. Love to you.
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How about getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist? See if meds for her agitation might help before you make a decision to wal away.
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Just one woman's experience: meds made all the difference for my mom. She went from calling the police on me (!) to being a real puddy tat.

I thank God every day for the scientists slaving away in their laboratories to develop these meds.
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Listen to Sunnygirl's advice.
Before you take on the responsibility of caring for a parent be sure and have all legal documents your parents made reviewed by an attorney. Do not end up in the role of caretaker only to find out an uninvolved sibling can make the final health or financial decisions because of previously drawn up documents by your parents. Only take on the care taker role if you have full control over all decisions. I learned this lesson while taking care of my mother. Caring for your mother will be a full time job that family members usually do not appreciate. Get all the help you can.
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53 is still young if you're free to live your life. When I was 53, my father died suddenly. As an only child, I took full responsibility for my mother. Her doctor said my mother did not know me from a chair. I cared for her at home for the few weeks it too me to have her placed in a care facility. At the time, my children and stepchildren were teenagers and I was starting a new job. By leaving the care of my mother to others, I was able to remain with my employer until I retired at 62, take a pension from the employer and starting to collect Social Security. I do not regret my decision. Listen to the advice of the others here.
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Are you her appointed Durable Power of Attorney? If not, is your mom still competent enough to appoint you? Would she do that? Or are you her court appointed Guardian? Without legal authority to act on her behalf through either a Durable POA or Guardianship, it's difficult to make decisions and act on behalf of another. And the way your brother is treating her will be challenging to deal with unless you have authority. He'll have to be dealt with.

It's really challenging to support and care for a person who has dementia. They are sometimes difficult, abrupt and resistant to care. I would think hard about the challenge of the responsibility.

I would get legal advice from an Elder Law attorney. If your mom ends up needing financial help from Medicaid for long term care, her house may be considered an asset and a lien place on it. I'd check to see if there are exceptions for keeping the house in the family, if an adult child resides in the home for a certain number of years providing care that keeps the patient in home. Someone learned in Medicaid rules will know all about that. I'd find out what the rules are, before making my decision. Some other poster around here probably know about that rule. Maybe they will chime in here.

Whether you stay is up to you, but I would learn a lot about what the disease entails and how difficult it is to provide around the clock care in the home for a dementia patient. I'd explore what help she may be entitled to and make plans for the future, with her help, if she still able to assist you. Is there anyone else in the family, who might be able to help you, besides your brother?
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You need an advocate and someone to help guide and support you through this very difficult disease. It does not get better for your mom or easier for you. My mom is older and has dimentia. We made the decision to move her from an independent care home to a memory care community. Your mom may not be there yet but start planning now. You have to get professional care for her. Face the fact that your brother will likely be unhelpful. Take the bull by the horns, with someone else to advocate for you.
My mom is safe, and engaged, and cared for. I am still her main family caregiver and her best friend. We have good days and bad days. Just do the best you can and ask for help. God Bless‼️‼️
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Our much criticized Congress has legislated some wonderful programs for us. If your mom's financial situatiom allows for Medicaid, it can be utilized in conjunction with Medicare and Medicaid covers more things particular to dementia.
I watched my wife through the very things you describe and looking back years, realize that the onset was happening for over 10 years before it really became full dementia. Then I struggled with her for 5 years, before I discovered the Congress intended assistance. My wifes' exreme dementia is now managable, and it is extreme. She can't communicate, an autistic toddler who can't reason or learn. She is on her feet all day and only sleeps intermittently. She is passed the stage of being mean and accusing of everyone. She barely acknowledges the existence of other creatures, family, pet's. She has to be watched 24/7, by a person within reach, because she doesn't understand things in this world, including her own body. She has this manifestation, called 'alien arm'. Her brain doesn't think her left arm belongs to her, so she often hides it behind her back and when really agitated she will twist the wrist and act like she is tossing it away.
My heart goes out to you with the accusations and hatefulness. I went through that for 5 years and I much prefer this 24/7 of hand feeding, toileting, bathing, and constant watch. Medicaid provides home attendant care in my state.
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