This site has been quite helpful re my 92 yr old dad. Thank you.
Here’s a question re my mom:
My mom is 92 and lives at home with my dad who has AD. My mom’s dementia presents as memory loss but mainly intense agitation. She has said many times since 2022 that she is “ready to go.” Basically she’s miserable.
I overheard her on the phone recently when she didn’t know I could hear, and she sounded so angry and cruel towards the caregiver it was as though she was possessed. I was stunned and had never heard her like that.
My parents’ first in-home caregiver started about two years ago, and she met my mom when my mom was kind and polite and calm and appreciative of the caregiver.
Then last year, as my mom’s agitation intensified, the caregiver asked me if my dad had ever cheated on my mom.
I said well, not that I know of, but he did travel a lot for work…
The caregiver said that when she or any other caregiver helps my dad in the bathroom (he is unable to manage any hygiene alone), my mom bangs on the bathroom door claiming he is having and affair with the caregiver, Then she tells the caregiver to leave, only after saying how terrible of a husband my dad is.
My mom has also said a few lewd comments to my dad over his supposed affairs with the caregivers. She used to be so proper, but not anymore.
My mom used to idolize my dad, and their marriage of 69 years appeared stable, at least before dementia set in.
The lead caregiver told me that “dementia can bring up past issues in marriages.”
It seems like their good days have come and gone, and we’ve possibly learned a family secret in the process.
Anyone else find out something they didn’t know because of dementia?
She thought she'd finally have some dirt on dad to divulge to make me hate him. I turned it back on her instead. My mother was always a vindictive woman though, dementia just heightened the ugliness already inside her.
In reality, what transpired between your parents as a married couple is none of your business. Whether it's true or false about dad having affairs, try to put it out of your mind and chalk it off to moms demented rantings.
I know how this feels, and I'm sorry you were subjected to such a thing. Fwiw, after my mother told me her little story about dad, I NEVER once visited her alone again. I always took my husband with me. She chose to be far more civilized in the presence of "outsiders" than she was with me.
My mom was first put on Depakote last year for agitation, but with no positive results. Then this year she was switched to a low dose of Seroquel, but again, her agitation seemed to blast through any helpful effects of that medication. Just last week the Seroquel was increased.
She’s also given clonazepam, which seems to be the only thing that settles her down. And she is on an antidepressant that she’s been on for quite some time.
I don’t know how long to wait to see positive results from an increased dose of Seroquel.
She also refuses help from the caregivers. My 92 yr old dad overheard them talking recently, and he called me to say that “his mother and the real estate agent were fighting, and he didn’t like it.” I had to decipher that he was actually referring to his wife and the caregiver.
thanks again to everyone. I appreciate all your knowledge. Dementia is cruel and it’s changing my parents in different ways.
Personally, I think their caregiver doesn't know what they're talking about and should keep those thoughts inside her head. You can peruse this forum's Questions section and find copious posts about spouses being accused of affairs that never happened, or not in progress with whomever is in the home helping.
Please watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She explains what part of the brain the most common types of dementia affect first and last. This explains why they become angry, paranoid, vulgar and unfiltered. My own Aunt with advanced dementia used to accuse her brother of murdering babies. I know for a fact it was ridiculous. She accused me of untrue things (horrible things) as well. It's part of dementia.
Is your Mom on meds for her agitation? If not, why not? Talk to her primary doctor about this. People with dementia also often become depressed. My 95-yr old Mom started crying in the mornings for no reason. She asked her primary to put her on somthing and it worked great! Your Mom could also be Sundowing, so it's best to have conversations with her in the morning hours.
You must educate yourself about dementia. It's apparent their caregiver has not enough experience or knowledge. I've had hired aids for my Aunts and have referred them to the Teepa Snow videos since the agency didn't see fit to give them enough education.
I agree with others who suggest maybe her meds could be adjusted. She’s clearly tormented and taking it out on others. Ugh.
It’s common for people with dementia to obsess over how the caretaker is stealing their money or silver or whatever when that is also not true.
My dad developed a conviction that the lawn mowing company they had hired was somehow out to get him and he would wait for them, watching out the window, then go out there and yell at them to leave. Just nuts.
good luck!
Seasoned caregivers would know how to handle these types of situations with tact and may redirect the dementia client to another topic. We know our clients need help, and leaving the client we are there to help will leave them in a vulnerable position especially with an angry accusatory spouse. These situations can escalate to violence.
The aide can call the office, report the situation and get information on how to de-escalate the situation. It can be a precarious position to be caught in-between when you are there to do a job. Maybe turning on soothing music and offering a snack can help. Sounds like the wife is caught in a loop. What is actually going on is helping with toileting. The wife's brain is registering a sexual encounter. The brain is broken. It sounds like a sundowning episode if this occurs in the late evening.
Has she been checked for a UTI? This can also cause weird behavior in the elderly.
Your dad might have had affairs. Or not.
Your mom's dementia related paranoia is creating scenarios that play out only in her head. If that is the case you are not going to convince her that she is wrong.
Is mom on medication for anxiety? If not it is a good time to talk to her doctor about it.
If this behavior came on suddenly it might also be worth having her checked for a UTI. There are over the counter test strips that might help give the doctor an idea what is going on.
I know one of the things caregiver is taught is to protect the privacy and dignity of the person they are caring for. That said if your parents have been married for 69 years have they always shut the bathroom door when one is in there? If not maybe keep the bathroom door open some of the time so mom can see that there is nothing going on.
It may be her "truth" at this stage in her dementia, but it doesn't make it so.
Perhaps you need to educate yourself a bit more about this horrific disease of dementia, before you start taking what your mom says as fact.