What can I do for my Mom's aggressive and angry behavior?

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I had to put my mom into a dementia assisted living facility. She is now very angry and aggressive toward my sister and me when we go to visit her. She never was like this when she was at home and I cared for her but now she tells me how much she hates me and never wants to see me again for putting her this "hell hole" as she calls it! The staff during the day can seem to deflete this behavior but the night staff just puts her in her room when she starts yelling so by the time I get there to visit she is in such a state I can't do anything to calm her down except leave. Her DR has put her on Seroquel but it isn't doesn't seem to be doing anything.
I know this is the disease and not my mom yelling at me but I just feel so bad that I can't make her feel safe and calm at where she is.
Any suggestions?

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Just keep in mind not all people respond well to every drug. Mention what are you seeing to her doctor and see if they won't be willing to try something different. My grandma was on anti-dementia medication. We had to take it away because it altered her mood, made her upset, worried, angry and just plain miserable. We decided back at 70 that we would rather enjoy the time we had with her rather than prevent the disease. She has functioned very well until the last year or so and she's 85. So I'm not saying to take her off but instead I'm saying see if there isn't another drug with lesser side effects that might respond better with her. It's tough to watch. Just make sure you do your homework with making sure she gets the best care she can and don't be afraid to advocate for something different if you think it will help.
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JKayjr - talk to your social worker at the NH and ask for a care conference. The place my mom is at does them quarterly, and they last about 20 minutes.

If you have concerns in between conferences, then there should be a contact you can talk to. If not the social worker, then someone who is the designated person for family to speak to. Use this person to help figure out what's going on.

Sometimes Sundowning makes people become extremely disturbed, and it can start early in the afternoon. Nobody knows what it is exactly, but it is AWFUL to see. This might be a cause of your mom's behaviors.

It could be related to meds.
It could be a urinary tract infection nobody has found.
It could be pain.
It could be the dementia making physical changes in her brain.
It could be a nice combo platter of all of the above.

The only thing you can do is work with her doctor and the people in charge of her care to understand how to find the cause and what to do about it.

Ask the people who work there what the protocol is for someone in your mom's shape who may become disruptive, loud, angry, etc. I would want to know why they put her in her room, and what else they may have tried before that.
I mean they can't have somebody out in the middle of the common area screaming and swearing and being agitated. It gets others agitated and then there is a great big problem. Putting her in her room might be one of the ways they try to get upset people to settle. Ask how often she's checked on when that happens. I would think they would have a protocol for the aid workers to follow.

It's like trying to figure out what works with an upset toddler. Maybe they need less stimulation to settle. Maybe they need a nap, a change, a snack, or to just work it out of their system. It's entirely trial & error with human beings who aren't machines that follow a strict cause & effect diagram. Especially when brain change is afoot.

ALso, look at what you exect for care levels. If she is in a group setting in a NH, they are likly not staffed for a lot of one on one time. If you want her to have more individualized attention, maybe you need to look for smaller scale congretate housing. There are lots of choices out there these days and it boils down to what she can afford.
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have a word with the doctor and voice over youre concerns about this medication having no effect. I would also delve into this living facility as to why she names it ( a h*ll hole ). have you tried visiting during the day instead of night-time? I would certainly want to see if her behaviour differs between day & night. if the staff can handle it during the day, then why does the night-staff put her in her room before you even visit her at night? they should be helping her not shutting her in.it may help if you were to visit her alone, you were the one who cared for her before she went into this place. take it in turns it may be better on a 1 to 1 basis. personally to put my mind at rest I would turn up unexpected during the day to check out all of this out, this could even be true it may well be a ( h*ll-hole) and is finding it impossible, if so then that is why she has changed her behaviour so quickly, and hating you for putting her into this place. if so you can allways find another. check it out. good luck.
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Quite frankly, none of us are there and can see through your eyes. You know your mom best. Work closely with the doctor. Educate yourself on the stages of Alzheimers and the behaviors you will see because of the disease. What you *will* see will be alarming, scary, and it's not for softies. Sometimes meds help, sometimes not. I can't sit idly by and do nothing for my mom though.

I will not bash nursing facilities, docs, or meds. Modern medication has done amazing things for many people I know, including myself and my mother. All meds are not bad, so I am leery of anybody who says to pitch it all out the window.
That may do more harm than good.

I am also leery about advice to just move mom every time she isn't happy. You might find that turns into a chase for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's just not there. Happy comes from perceptions and beliefs. When you have a degenerative brain disease your perception, beliefs, and ability to comprehend is severely impaired. Different dementias progress different ways. Nothing may ever get mom happy as compared to when she was younger and didn't have a dementia. That may not be a reasonable goal. This is something to discuss with the doctor and your social worker.

Are all elderly people overmedicated? I think that's an opinion, not a fact. When an elderly person goes into care, the doctors have to treat certain things with meds because the body can't do it independently any more. They have to pick their battles. It's not easy and I take my hat off to the people who treat the elderly.

Sometimes sedatives are completely in order. When a person's behavior is so violent they are a danger to themselves & their caregivers, it's either that or being strapped down. If I am like that, please drug my old butt up to the hilt! I don't want to spend my days raging and raving, screaming, clawing, scratching, spitting, & hitting. Is that shocking to see, experience, and deal with? Absolutely. But there are no magic answers with dementia. There is no one size fits all answer. There are no guarantees, no promises, no warranties. We just do the best we can.
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My mom is now blind due to macular degeneration & just moved into an assisted living facility because my brother cannot be with her 24/7. I live out of town & call frequently & have made monthly trips home the past 4 months because of her health. She is extremely mean to my brother who has always been available to her for dr. appointments, grocery shopping, companionship etc. including her in his family's activities. She hates the facility; won't try to do anything for herself like she did at home; and complains to me about my brother. He is a warm, loving, caring man and it hurts me to hear her trash him. How can I make her see that she's being mean and whatever solution you give her for her problems, she says "no".
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I believe quality of life is more important than just number of days lived. My aunt is 92 and beginning to suffer (note use of word SUFFER) agitation. Paces the floor, can't sleep, follows us around thinking someone is going to take her little dog or abandon her. If we can find a medication that will calm her down and give her a little peace I will be more than happy to give them to her.
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Thank you for your responses. Some have been very helpfully! My mom has been in the faculty now almost 3 months and things are still about the same. The serequel seems to work be helping sort of. She doesn't yell loudly at me she now starts to cry and then goes into telling me how much she hates me and the place. I think the hardest part is that I just can't get her to calm down! I just feel so helpless! I keep wondering if it will ever get easier not only for me but especially for my mom!
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Also want to say thank you to Vstefans for taking the time to explain. I agree that ppl do better with meds and then there are some who do not. Just seems to me that for everyone that has a bad effect it's like 75. And for the ones you never hear about because they are doing so much better they seem to count as a lesser population because you don't have any complaints. It's always the squeaky wheel that gets the grease and always the Most attention whether good or bad. Medication is and can be a wonderful thing both for the patient and caregiver. I for one would rather be comfortable in my old age rather than having uncontrollable rages Just saying. It's not all bad for all elderly who are on meds.
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Although I have yet to find an answer for my own mom and her ability to be so hateful, as I was reminiscing I remember a wonderful friend who would always calm down and relax when you would read the bible to her. Worked better than any medication on the market. God's word .... It's amazing. Hope this helps someone
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