How do you deal with a Mom you're a 24/7 caregiver for that you don't even like? - AgingCare.com

How do you deal with a Mom you're a 24/7 caregiver for that you don't even like?

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I've been a caregiver for almost 3 yrs to a mother I never had a relationship with. I find myself wanting to "give back to her" what she dealt out to me as a child. The things she does now she never tolerated w/me. I'm always aware (but I must say not as bad as before) of each & everything she does not to let her get away with it. She's my reason for growing up w/such an insecure attitude about myself. Always commenting on who's fat, who's pretty, who's got a beard. I just want to say "shut-up"..I told her I wouldn't tolerate her criticizing me anymore & when anything comes up I sit down & let her know I will not allow her to do that to me anymore. You would think at 72 I'd get it; but, for the last 44 yrs (since I left her Religion) she ostracized me from her & my family. Now that she's needing me I have no choice (because of finances) to take her in. If I didn't need her income I'd be looking to put her in a facility. It's a catch 22 situation. She helps w/the bills & I am very grateful for that. I've become thin-skinned in regards to her hypocrasy - one way to me another way to her family/friends. They have no idea what she's really like, I do. The only other one would be her twin sister. She understands & knows.
I'm hardly ever out, can't really afford to have someone come in. I've checked w/Elder Care & they say she's just a little over the guidelines for income so I stay her 24/7 in a 3 room apt w/a woman that hardly talks to me all day. I'm in my room & she's in front of the tv w/her routine. I feel that since she's paying 95% of the bills she's entitled to the amenities. Don't know how to process that one. Each night I'm praying Lord forgive me, I know You want me to love her; but, I don't even like her. Help me. I bend over backwards to make sure she has the right food program the Dr wants her on. I make sure she's got her foods before mine. She's fussy, warm my bread for my sandwiches, put my cereal in a plastic bowl the others are cold, my water is too cold, the bed is too hot, the bed is cold, warm my juice, the food is not hot enough......on and on and on. This is a woman that I couldn't even talk to about anything otherwise she would raise her hand & say she didn't want to hear it. Growing up w/out a dad, living w/a strict disciplinarian (only because she wanted to look good in front of people), no relationship, left to myself...has taken a toll on me. Granted, by God's Grace I've come a long way (doesn't sound it from this, I'm sure, but I have). I suppose I'm just putting down in writing what's going on in my head. Thank God I do have children that I can talk with & they have great understanding & sympathy. If they could they would be here to give me a break but it's not possible right now. I'm very sure there are Caregivers out there that are saying, Gosh, I wish my situation was as easy as hers. My situation is a compiling of 72 years of a lack of relationship w/a mean & unyielding woman.
If anyone has any advice I would certainly welcome it..

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hapegolucke1, I don't get the feeling at all that you would harm your mother. She's obviously quite elderly since you're 72. This type of caregiving would be tough even if your mother was an angel - which is obviously not the case. Whatever caused her to be abusive to you doesn't excuse her behavior.

At this point I doubt that your living arrangement will change but it may be possible to receive some respite care. Do you have a block nurse program in your area? I know that you're a Christian but all Christian's don't attend a church. However, if you do, there may be people who could sit with your mom so you can have a little time to yourself. Human services (through your state) often get Federal grants for respite care that go to waste because people don't know they exist. Try going on to your state website (type the word aging after the name of your state). You should bring up a list of aging services. See what is available. You may be able to get some relief. That won't stop the abuse from your mother, but it would give you some time away to regroup.

This article may help a little: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm

Good luck, my friend. Please keep us posted.
Carol
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My first question is how did you make ends meet financially before you let your mean and unyielding mother into your house three years ago whom you have never had a relationship with and whom you want to get back at for how she treated you as a child?

Sounds like she may be on the verge of experiencing some elder abuse from you due to your anger. Neither of you need for that to happen. How old is she?

Sounds like your biggest problem is being totally dependent upon her financially. I have no idea what to recommend about that.
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hapegolucke1, it sounds like your Mom needs to be around people of her own generation to have conversations about things in common. Curious how you were chosen to take care of your Mom.... what if you weren't available, what would your Mom do?

I assume your Mom is in her late 80's or into her 90's.... what are her health issues? Would she consider going to a Senior Center during the day so she could be other seniors? What about calling your local Council on Aging and see what programs are available where maybe an Aide could come in to help out a couple hours, to give you a much needed break.
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hapegolucke1, in the back of my mind I was thinking why your Mom was so resentful and I was right on... sounds like your Mom a single Mom raising two children? That must had been difficult back in the 1940's and then on. In any event, it was so unfair to blame you for how her life had turned out. It's ashamed how some people need to blame someone.

How great that your late brother's wife is willing to come to help out. How does your Mother treat her? And with spring just around the corner, your Mom can get to see her sisters again.... and how lucky you are to have children you can talk to who are understanding :)
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Hi. I think its ridiculous that people think just bc youve put your feelings down that youd hurt your mom. If thats the case were all in trouble bc theres not one person alive that hasnt had bad feelings abt a loved one or friend. Im a CHRISTian and want to just tell you to please ask GOD for a forgiving heart and to allow you to let the past go. Leaving there you will never get over this. So pray HE clear your heart and mind of past hurts so that you can continue to care for her. Also ask HIM to soften her heart and give you both patience and peace. My mom lives with me and though i dont have your past its a struggle living in the same household with 2 women who are used to being in control. Who submits? The mom or the child, though its the childs home. The way i see it is only by HIS grace and im sure you know all of this but sometimes we need someone outside the situation to refresh our views. Hope i helped, Ill be praying for both of you and ill try and check back to see if you respond. GOD BLESS!!
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hapegolucke, many people here feel the way you do, so don't feel bad. I am surprised at the response you have received from a few. Many of us were raised in dysfunctional families. Caregiving can reopen old wounds from childhood that never really healed. It sounds to me that this is what is happening with you. Things that they do can remind us of things they used to do. And we end up asking ourselves why we should devote ourselves to someone who was never a very good parent. Many people can't do it.

Something that may make it more enjoyable, or at least bearable, to you is seeing it as an opportunity for spiritual growth and understanding. Sometimes we become aware of why things happened and why we are like we are. We also learn that our parent is not all powerful and is a faulty human being just like everyone else. There is much to discover.

For the moment it sounds like you both need each other for health and financial reasons. At your mother's age, that may change quickly, so you may want to plan ahead for yourself. Life can be so difficult these days with costs being as high as they are. Maybe these last three years have been for you, too.
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JessieBelle thank you very much. I must say when I posted my first post & received 2 responses right away that were negative I immediately went to find out how to unsubscribe to the forum. It's not that I can't receive advice even if it's difficult; but, when I'm accused of needing professional help because I might harm my mother then it's gone too far. I thought I would find understanding & those who have had similar feelings. Several of you have now reached out & that's what I was looking for not the ones that have no knowledge of the real me, outside of my long overdue getting over my ill feelings for my mother. I know with The Lord's help I WILL overcome all of these negative feelings. I agree w/you completely...these last 3 yrs have been for my growth...not my mother's..she will never change & I have to come to that realization eventually even though I get caught up sometimes & think she wants to change only to revert back to her ways.
This is the first time, as an adult, that I've been around her this much. Old memories, old wounds, have opened up a miriad of feelings for me & I just have to call on God to help me through this process. I am confident in His Love & believe the Scripture: The good work He set out to do in my life He will get done. It's a moment by moment choice, I can see that. I still have the ability to choose to do the right thing & He will strengthen me to do it. Thank you, sincerely.
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What happens to her, if she out lives you? Whatever that is, needs to happen now. You need your own life.
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I had a business & a home of which I lost both in 2011 - 2012 that's when my mother
came to live w/me. I'm sharing my feelings...I would NEVER put a finger on her. As a Christian I have moral convictions & would never abuse her. These are childhood hurts that I've had to come face to face with in the last 3 yrs. I'm just asking if anyone dealt w/similar situations & how they handled it.
If it seems like I want to "get back at her" it would be in my feelings. She is well taken care of & speaks of it to her family & friends that I take incredible care of her. I understand where you're coming from because there are a lot of unstable people out there; but, I can assure you that's not the situation here. My main concern is to always make sure she is safe, that she is clean, that she has a clean home, her hair & personal needs are taken care of....that is feels comfortable. She has no idea that I'm dealing w/the past other than when I address her in regards to it. She has since then watched what she says & tries I can see that. My issue is my feelings, and trying to work through them in a loving, Godly way, so that I won't have any regrets when she passes.
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freqflyer. I want to thank you for not "assuming" I want to harm my mother. That is the furthest thought from my mind. I can't even think of doing something like that. I'm a Christian, a committed one..you're right she comes "alive" when she's talking to her sisters; but, she also does when talking to the young people or any of her friends. This is something she has against me & has for all my life. She was not getting along w/my dad when she got pregnant w/me & she's resented that she had me. Nothing I can do about that. My brother passed away in 2001 & I was the only child to care for her. She didn't want to go into a Nursing facility & I really wanted to see if we could find some common ground & have some kind of a relationship.
As far as going to a Sr. Ctr. they asked her & she point blank said she didn't like crowds or going to things like that. My sister-in-law has offered to come on Wednesday's to help me out. My mother used to go to her younger sisters every other week just to give both of us a break & she would be able to visit w/her sister. The Winter has curtailed that so we are waiting for nicer weather. Another hurdle is the stairs she has to go down & up. The Fire Dept has been very gracious to help us on occasions; but, I don't want to overdue it..
Mom is 97. She's in pretty good health. Her Dr. is amazed at her clarity of mind & ability to remember the slightest detail..maybe failing slightly as she gets older.
My constant prayers are Lord, keep me healthy so I can care for her in the way she needs until the situation changes & with someone that is 97 situations change every day. Thank you again, for addressing my needs and not jumping to conclusions that I need professional help just because I was sharing my heart.
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