Mom yells at me all the time tells me I'm saying she's stupid. I don't know what to do to help her. - AgingCare.com

Mom yells at me all the time tells me I'm saying she's stupid. I don't know what to do to help her.

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Telling me that she can't believe I would be in control of her life. She needs an assistant living, I think that would help the stress. But she can't be trusted not to leave and never come back. Plus she makes 12 too much to qualify for assistants. Her life is in my hands and there's nothing I can do to help her.

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My husband was considerably over the income limit, but he qualified for the Medicaid waiver program anyway -- we just had to pay the amount over limit as a deductible each month. Each state does things differently, but if I were you I would certainly contact an attorney specializing in elder law.
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If $12 a month is keeping her from getting into a skilled facility,I would go to an elder care lawyer. They will know what to do.
I am so sorry that you have become a member of this club.
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I agree with VS, this is really hard for us but/so it must be even worse for them. I remember one of the first "fun" times we had when my mother "couldn't find" the light switches. (Eh? What? They're right there!) I couldn't make sense of it, asked her "what do you mean, you can't find it? I don't understand, it's right in front of you" and got "Honestly! You are maddening!" I still don't know exactly what was going on that day. When similar things happen now, I explain we're having one of those brain function 'technical hitches' (she's grasped that idea pretty well) and we sort out whatever it is that's bothering her or not working.

Crimson I really sympathise with how worrying and stressful it is to be afraid for her safety and at the same time get opposition when you try to intervene. To an extent all you can do is try to anticipate problems, arrange objects etc. as safely as possible, get OTs in to advise on adaptations, get a personal alarm system (if she'll accept one) and cross your fingers. You minimise the risk as far as you can; the remaining risk, which can seem to us to be still terrifyingly huge, you somehow have to come to terms with, breathing deeply and evenly through your nose. And if your mother is trying to chase you out wielding a broom, and she technically still has capacity, then all the more so. You just have to wait for a significant event and hope to God she doesn't actually get hurt.

Sigh. It's a fine line between helping and controlling. I suppose you could try "I'm not trying to control things, mother. What can I do to help?" But if the fact is that she's frustrated and frightened by life not making any sense, then she's going to be scattering blame around and I'm afraid you're right in the firing line. Just try not to take it to heart.
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Crimson, you nailed it. We are stupid because they can't make sense of what we say or what is happening and the fault can't be with them. Just like the families of hearing impaired people all mumble. There may be something in your verbal interactions that you could change, if you are assessing her or grilling her on orientation things she can't recall it makes her feel stupider too, but you do have to be in charge and don't need to feel bad about that. As bad as is sucks for us as caregivers, having to trick our caregivees into doing what they need to do when they don't want to when we can, it really sucks for them too to be losing their grip and probably physically feeling bad at the same time.
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1. My mom has Alzheimer's and when I ask any questions she tells me I'm calling her stupid. Her decsions are there is nothing wrong with her and everything is fine. Then tomorrow she forgets we ever talked. I had started out letting her decide things but once we've gotten to this new stage of things where short term memory is gone, she only stays on a subject for maybe 30 min before its lost to her. 2. I live in Virginia and so far have scoped out 27 assisted living places here and all of them tell me my mom has to GWR an auxiliary grant to get inside. I applied two times and both times were denied because she makes $12 too much. Its very aggravating!
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Crimson, I'm sorry that you're going through this hard time. I take it that your mom has dementia, and that you're not in the US. Are you saying that you think she needs Assisted Living/Memory Care? Are there places like that where you live? Call her doctor's office and ask for their assistence in finding a placement for her. At least here in the US, some places will accept a patient who can only private pay for a certain length of time; when they've depleted their savings, Medicaid will pay for them to stay; in some states that only applies to Nursing Home settings. Is your mother on medication to help with anxiety and/or depression? Talk with her doctor about those also. Post back and let us know how things are working out!
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you shouldnt be controlling her life. put everything to her as a question. let her make the decisions. loss of control causes extreme agitation in the elderly.
put yourself in her place. if someone came up my hill telling me how its going to be theyd leave feet first.
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