Did I make my Mom much worse by putting her in a facility? - AgingCare.com

Did I make my Mom much worse by putting her in a facility?

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Two months ago I moved my mom to AL because I could not provide the 24 hour a day care she needed. Since then she has declined rapidly, been in and out of the hospital, is on her second facility, has repeated urinary infections, refuses to eat, is aggressive and combative physically and verbally, and they are putting her on more and more psych meds and are telling me they may have to call 911 and put her in a psych ward. Did I cause that? Two months ago she was confused but nothing like this. If I bring her home she may get better, but my husband says no and it will ruin my life. How do I make the choice to put myself first and let her life become hell?

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Dementia is an illness that gets worse over time and never improves. Sometimes it might slow down and other times it speeds up, but the general track is always downhill. There is no way to predict what causes acceleration of the condition, but be absolutely assured--YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS!

It sounds like you have weighed the options and made the right decision for your mom.
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Barbara, your mom has dementia, yes? These are all symptoms of dementia. You didn't give her dementia.

Did moving her cause her to become disoriented? Maybe. Might she have become disoriented at home? Maybe . Would it be better if she were still at home? Where she would have access to kitchen knives, matches, things that chop and things that get hot? No. Would she be better off with you getting ill, injured and burned out from caregiving, and ending up in a facility WITHOUT a loving daughter? NO.

Your husband is a smart and loving man. Listen to him.
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A big move often is a setback in a person's overall health; and I would expect teething troubles with getting her settled into her new ALF. Are you happy with the quality of care? No worries about how the facility is managed?

See what, if anything, you can do to help them manage her; but remember this: you moved her into long term care because you couldn't manage her 24/7. That is an extremely good reason, and now it's an even better reason. Bringing her home could be disastrous for you and actually dangerous for her.

Give it a bit more time and see how she gets on. You've given the ALF their professional job to do, so let them do it, but that doesn't mean you can't ask them to explain your mother's care plan to your satisfaction.

Please try not to blame yourself. You're still there, still caring about her, and this horrible upset phase will get sorted out.
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I don't usually answer a question that's been well-answered...and all the answers before mine have been right on target -- but I'm making an exception here.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Please do not beat yourself up over this.

What you CAN do is keep allll over her doctor until he finds something that will calm her. Put your energy there.
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Dementia made your mom worse. UTIs made your mom worse. Her own lack of cooperation (probably a result of the dementia) made your mom worse. It is very sad. If you could have prevented any of these things, I have no doubt you would have.

This is stressful and painful to see, but it is Not Your Fault.
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You didn't make your mom worse, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can relate. If she's having repeated UTIs, that could be a negligence issue. Does she use Depends? Are they changed often enough? There's an article somewhere on here about how a UTI can cause dramatic changes in behavior in a person with dementia. This may all stem from a UTI. Have her checked for one. If they don't do it immediately, buy a tester kit from the drugstore and do it yourself. You can then show the attending the findings and have them treat her. Like I said, this is not your fault, but some facilities are definitely better than others. I would look at this facility with a critical eye. Another possibility: some facilities stop dementia meds like Aricept and Namenda without telling family members. Look at all the meds they're giving her and discuss it with her pre-admission physician for his/her take. I'm sorry. I know this story all too well, but you are not alone.
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There is always a certain point to which we can offer help to another, and you did an awesome job for your mom for a long time. Remember what brought you to the realization that mom needed more than you could offer. Those thoughts and feelings of how depleted you were, are as valid now, as they were then. To bring mom home would bring you back to your feelings of being overwhelmed. If you want to go back to that, that option is available. If you want to go onwards to being your own person again (eventually, after mom dies you will finally get some peace) you must begin to let go of mom's cares. Remember, she will pass away someday. It could be next week, or 5 years from now. Do you want to maybe spend 5 years going down a sinkhole along with your mom? Would she want you to accompany her into the abyss of dementia, or would she want you to get back to your husband, career, children, hobbies, and leave the heavy lifting to the professionals? Remember too, it is still a big job to "oversee" mom's care at a facility. And you most definitely have not abandoned your mom. BEST wishes for some clarity, and courage.
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Thank you all for your words of support. Christine73, the last facility she was at was not the best, but her current facility is wonderful. The most caring staff and they constantly call and update me or ask for my advice or permission before trying something. My mom has definitely had many UTI issues, but it is not them. They started from her refusing to keep herself clean. Now they have to coax her to get water in her. They have catheterized her to keep her from getting worse. They are trying their best and their facility is very clean and patients are well attended. I have been in regular contact with the doctor and nurse practitioner. They have not stopped any prior meds and are careful about prescribing new ones. I wish I could blame it on someone else, but in truth, I think she has just decided she will not cooperate no matter what.
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I also worry about this...my mom is 86 with ALZ diagnosis 2 years ago. She refuses to have any help except from me and also will not move to an Assisted living place i have found which is near to me and also has a memory care unit. I know eventually she will have to move, and although everyone says its better to do sooner than later, i cant force her to. We all feel the guilt of this disease and the choices we have to make because of it. You are not alone, and you are doing what is right for your mom. If we all had the capacity to take on their care ourselves, do it well, and not lose our own health and lives, that would be our choice. Thats not always what is realistic in most cases, so we do the best we can to make sure they have good care and love. You love her and are doing the right thing, and we all know that its a terribly hard situation. Your love and presence is whats important.
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hi after reading your post i feel very sad but what else we can do its a life and we have to live it in a way .
I don't think its a bad idea for your mom because dementia is non cure able diseases your mom will get in worse condition with time so you contact with better facility . i know some of them if you want to consult then just check these hi, I just read your post and feel very bad but you should not loose your strength and just tell the truth to your mom she will definitely understand your situation and I am sure you will fix the things take care and and good luck .
good luck and stay strong.
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