Mom won't put Dad in a facility where he can get proper 24hr care. Any advice?

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I have to help care for my father because he has dementia. He is totally helpless and unresponsive. Nurses come to help. When the nurses can't come, I have to. It takes it s toll on my. I will never do this to my children. It's not fair.

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You don't have to do anything.
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I made the choice to keep my mother home. She is currently having in home hospice as well as madicaid paid extra aids that I hire (she has both medicaid and the home care program for elders PCA waiver) but are vetted by a contracted to the state resource center. I have been changing her pullups for several years now. I finally got over my gag reflex. If I had put my mother in a home, she would not be alive now. She is one of those rare genuinely sweet and loving people. I am glad I took this road.
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Why not separate what you really want from what your mother and family want? It will make it easier if you just accept you don't want to help anymore. No judgement, just being honest. If you hate doing it and are burned out then stop. You will tie yourself up in knots and guilt if you continue to mull over what others are doing. None of them are crazy or wrong - it is just what they want to do. You don't and are stopping because you are burned out. Take time for yourself and be realistic before agreeing to jump back in - you may see things differently after a while. Everyone has a different breaking point - not everyone can handle it. Just be kind to yourself and you'll be kinder to the family and able to support them in ways that you can handle. Hope this sorta blunt advice helps. You will never change others, just how you react to them.
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Alex, I will take a guess and say your parents are in their 80's or 90's, and it was assumed that it was the wife's job to take care of her husband no matter what.

I had to deal with that with my own Mom when my Dad had a heart attack. Good heavens no, she would not allow Dad to go into rehab, she said she could take care of her husband.... the sad part was Mom was 90 at the time when that happened. She chased out the physical therapist and glared at the nurses who came in to check on Dad's vitals. But when Dad fell, Mom couldn't pick him up, we had to rush over to help. The list goes on and on.

On one side of the coin we want to help out the best we can for our parents and that turns into exhaustion.... on the other side of the coin we are enabling our parents to continue to live in the situation week after week.

Stop enabling, then and only then maybe your Mom will finally realize she can't do it all.
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slateviper, it sounds like time is very short for Dad. You don't have to go, you just pay for the nurse like your sister does. If you can't afford that, then you go and you do what you can. It sounds like you have a lot of fear and anxiety. It might help to talk to the Hospice nurse about this. Maybe even call your MD and ask for help getting through this. It's natural to fear when you don't know what to expect next.
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What is Dad's prognosis? How long has he been on hospice? What do they think about his likely life expectancy? Of course no one can predict this very accurately, but it would help to know if he has started the active dying process or if there are no signs of imminent death. If he has only a matter of days, the disruption of moving might not be worth it. Everyone might just tough it out, if the end is soon. But if this is likely to be prolonged (or is totally not known), then you need to remove yourself from the care picture. Mom would like to keep him at home, but she cannot do that on her own so she isn't being realistic.

I suggest you call for an appointment with the hospice social worker. I know they typically come once a month or so, but they are available to family anytime. Explain your concerns and your plan to withdraw down to visiting only, without participating in the care. He or she can explain options to you.

Perhaps it would help Mother if Dad were to go to a place that could accommodate her being there as much as she wanted to, including overnight. Talk to the hospice social worker about that, too.

Losing a parent is a sad time. I am sorry you have all these other layers of stress to deal with.
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Babalou is telling it exactly right. I agree with her completely. You must save yourself first. It has to be going into a care facility or you separate yourself completely from the situation. Do not let guilt induce you into destroying yourself. And when Mom's time comes, she will need to go into a facility as well. Many are nice and clean and have competent professional caregivers.
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I agree with Thunder - if your siblings start to understand what is really going on - you might be able to talk with your mother as a united group and help her realize that dad needs care that is beyond the ability of you all to provide. Also, and this is hard to do - but don't go over there when they ask you to - if it becomes hard enough they might realize there is a place where they don't have to patch together a care schedule
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I feel for you, slateviper. My mother was caring for my father, who has Alzheimers, up until 2 1/2 years ago. She would not face up to the fact that he needed more care than she could give. Her hand was forced when he collapsed on the floor with a stroke. He has been in care ever since, and his condition is of course much worsened, although he recovered from the stroke, but she still sometimes talks about getting him back home. Frankly she is barely capable of caring for a guinea pig let alone another person with extra needs. It is difficult for you when you have family members who won't face reality. Next time they expect you or your brother to drop everything and run over there, tell them you simply can't, and stand firm. Ask your mother to ring your sisters. Your other siblings need to step up and experience what is really going on.
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If the house catches on fire, can your mom get him out? No? Well that's the answer, isn't it.

If mom wants this, then let her figure out how to make it eork. You are in no way obligated to provide hands on care for your parents. " I'm sorry, mom, I can't do this any more".

There was another poster here recently who was in a similar situation. When she finally got her dad into care, her mother's reaction was one of relief.

You need to either step up to get him more care ( from the outside) or step back and preserve your health.

Nursing homes and other care facilities are not the gloomy places they were 50 years ago.
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