Hi everyone,I’m caring for my mom, who recently moved into an independent living facility. She’s had severe (mostly untreated) social anxiety her whole life. She doesn’t drive, doesn’t text or call family, and avoids the dining room and activities because she’s anxious about being alone or seated with people she doesn’t know.
When she first moved in, the first two days were amazing — she went to the dining room, joined activities, and even said they were the best days she’d had in years. But soon after, she began dismissing the experiences and now says she just feels a “sea of sadness” over her. Doctors accept her explanation that her anxiety is situational, but it’s really been a constant in her life. As context, for the last five years she didn’t even go outside to get her own mail, never opened her door, and never walked outside alone. She’s also never had a close friend. I moved her because she was staying in bed 22 hours a day, not eating enough or bathing frequently. We had caregivers come in 3-4 days a week.
Here’s where I struggle: I’m a do-er (and probably a little codependent). I come up with so many ideas and activities she’d like, but I can’t seem to get her there. I also don’t want to keep buying groceries for her apartment when her rent includes meals in a very nice dining hall — but she resists going.I’d love advice from others who’ve been here:
-How do you encourage participation when resistance is constant, even though you know they’ll enjoy it once they’re there?-How do you set boundaries (like not stocking groceries) without feeling cruel or guilty?-Any strategies that help with social anxiety in seniors who resist therapy or medication?
The facility even assigned her an “ambassador” to show her around and introduce her to people. This woman has reached out multiple times by text, phone calls, and knocking on her door — but my mom won’t respond.Thanks for listening. I know many of you understand what it’s like to want the best for a parent while also feeling drained by the constant cycle.
Your mother and mine share similar traits, and I, like you, have a natural urge to fix. Though your mom sounds more extreme. I am getting better at setting boundaries and not making suggestions to mine. I don’t know how I would approach it if she refused to leave her room to the point where I was worried she might starve to death.
good luck!!
Is it possible to move your mother to assisted rather than independent living? In AL the care could include giving medications, so you wouldn't have to rely on her ability to do it for herself. The staff often have good coaxing skills. The staff might also be able to arrange for some "ambassador" residents to walk her to meals, or the staff could walk her to the dining room and help her get seated with people who she's comfortable with. You and they could start with one meal a day and work up to all three over time. The staff could also bring her meals in her apartment.
All of this would incur extra charges on her monthly bill, of course. But the difference is that in assisted living the staff can be authorized to proactively assist the resident, rather than just waiting to be asked for help, which she won't do.
But the "sea of sadness" might be alleviated with medication. Depression meds help my 92 year old mom. The pill is ground up and mixed with a small amount of pudding, or yogurt.
My mom still enjoys her alone time, which is most of the time now, but she no longer has bouts of tears on the verge of sobbing. Medication helped her.
Stop coming up with ideas for her to shoot down and stop buying her groceries. Leave her be for a few weeks and see how she does. She has to want this and right now she doesn't.
Step away completely. If she reaches out to you for help, tell her the condition in which you will help her is if she takes medication for her problem so that she can cooperate with and appreciate your care and management. If she refuses, you can continue to orbit around her until you have your own mental disorder and burnout.
I realize she didn't ask for this disorder but it will be pointless to invest energy into an adult who doesn't want your help and can't be reasoned with.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find your healthy boundaries.