My Mom (93) won't give me POA. She isn't well and definitely needs her home care aides. Any advice?

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Now she wants them to stop coming. I have talked with her caseworker and they understand and know that she needs to have assistance. She is walker-dependent, unsteady on her feet, and has home care aides 10 hrs a day. I am her only child. I am slowly losing my mind over her extreme demands and how she constantly puts me down. I have worked very hard to get her the home care assistance so she can stay at her home and not be in a nursing home. I have recently arranged for additional hours temporarily thru the agency so I can take some time off and go on vacation, or else I will lose my mind! She is not appreciative at all of anything I do for her. It has come to the point where I am resenting going to visit her, because of how she speaks to me especially in front of the aides. I am her only family here - my sons live out of state and are on their own. I don't know what else to do. She won't give me POA, but I am seeing how she isn't making rational decisions at times. She wants to stay in her home and refuses assisted living or nursing home care. The social worker is also aware and evaluates her often. Anyone else been in this type of situation that can share advice for me? My mom was always independent, she wants no one in her house, and is not a social person. She is extremely difficult...

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Try looking at some of the board & care options around as see what you can find (plan to look at at least 5-6 to get a feel for what is avail). A "loner" is more likely to be happy with not being one of 100 people being ignored by overworked staff in an "old people" warehouse. Just my opinion, but when the elderly complain that nursing homes are a place where people are kept while "waiting to die" they aren't far wrong, and if your Mom can stay at home (or move into a more home-like setting) she's likely to be much happier.
Make sure your Mom has been checked for a UTI.
Any chance of doing private hire rather than an agency? While some are wonderful, it tends to be a job that pays slave wages. In many states they are paid only 8 hrs for a 24 hrs shift, under the fiction that they only "work" 8 hrs, and are "off" the rest of the time, though they can't go anywhere, and must drop everything the second your Mom needs something. Needless to say, the number of top quality workers willing to work under those conditions is limited, and the better, brighter, more experienced ones tend to work private pay where an agency doesn't take half the money (Charging $350-400/day while paying the worker $125/day is pretty common).
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Just thought I'd give an update on my current dilemma with mom. She has been hearing 'people in the house' and also 'snoring' noises.. as if others are in her home during the nighttime. Her aides leave at 5p, and I am usually at her house after work until around 7p to make sure that she eats dinner, etc. Her caseworker, social worker, doctor, the home visiting nurse, and myself all feel that mom needs help into the evening/night hours, as she is unsteady on her feet even with the walker, and she has been having more issues with her heart and venous return to her legs, which cause her to have chronic cellulitis at times and makes her even more unsteady on her feet. Now, the caseworker is talking about having a 'live in' thru the agency stay with her 24/7. Mom is not dealing well with this, as it would involve having someone in her home all the time. Has anyone had experience with a live-in who works long stretches of time (i.e. a week to ten days at a time before the next aide takes over). The agency providing this would drop them off via a van, and therefore the aide would not have access to a car to do any errands, etc. Then, there are other things that come along with this....i.e. providing food for them at our expense, having access to laundry facilities (mom doesn't have any in her mobile home), etc. Also, does anyone know about the 'nursing home waiver' program, where care is provided at home around the clock but the aides do not live-in? A lot of questions, and a lot of concerns my mom and I both have. Mom has her days where she is perfectly lucid, and then she has days where she is completely the opposite. Over the past few months, she has called EMS because she couldn't get out of bed, and one night a policeman called me because she called them saying there were 'people in her house'. I am at my wits end, and as I mentioned in my first post...I am her only relative, and there is no one else, and I work full time. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
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My father is very complacent and is very appreciative of what I do for him. That being said, it's very hard to just go on vacation and not be concerned over how he is doing. I think about him all the time when I'm in the most beautiful place and wondering if he's ok. However, I do agree other posts that it might be good for her to not be around you all the time. Our loved ones take their illnesses out on us (my mom has dementia and in a facility). Doesn't do anyone any good not even them. IF she does have dementia then she won't know or care that you are gone for long, IF she doesn't, then you need the rest and let the professionals do what they do. My only other suggestion might be to talk to. an elder attorney and see what your options are to become POA. As in my grandmother's case, my mom had to go to court and declare her incompetent. It was hard on my mom to do that but my grandmother was getting worse and worse. Good Luck, God Bless, and happy travels.
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I agree with Babalou. You don't say your mom has dementia, so she may just be difficult. Since she does have a caseworker, you have someone else watching out for her. Go on vacation and enjoy your time away. Make sure the caseworker knows when you'll be gone. You can only do what you can do.
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Caring, perhaps others will have better suggestions for you. But you've done what you've can. Your mom has oversight from a social worker and since you don't have POA, you are not under any obligation to see that she's safe.

Take your vacation. Your mom may realize that she needs your help, or more likely, if she has dementia, she won't. So nothing will change, except that you'll be rested and have a clearer head.
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Caring4mom55, my Mom didn't want caregivers in her house, either... she thought she and Dad could take care of themselves. As many of us experienced caregivers [either up close and personal, or logistical] know, we usually have to wait for a serious medical situation before our aging parent realizes they can no longer do it all.

Sadly the huge medical situation that happened with my Mom was a fall that seriously injured her head... thus she is now bedridden and on hospice care... and here a month ago she was like The Flash around their house, doing housework, laundry, etc. Feel free to us my Mom as an example to your Mom.
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