Mom with dementia living with us and killing our marriage. Any advice?

Call APS. Say you are a neighbor – or one of the kids, who learned about it in school. Or one of their savvy friends. Or a friend that you or DH have talked to. No need to dob yourself in.

‘She says she’ll “call a lawyer and adult protective services” ’, saying that we “abuse her”’. Just say ‘go ahead’. APS will come pre-warned about the situation. The lawyer won’t come at all. (And Gee this punctuation is difficult!)

YOU call adult protective services. You don't need your husband's permission for this or anything else that would help her and protect your family. Those three words are where your power lies - protect your family. Neither you nor your husband are trapped by anything except barriers that you've erected. No one wants to take the necessary steps? Well, that would be you. She is a demented madwoman and with a diagnosis of dementia, she can no longer call the shots. YOU do. Good luck with a sad situation, and I hope it's a happy new year, which it could be if you get rid of Misery-In-Law.

If you're going to start subjecting yourselves to the rantings of an elder with dementia, then you've truly just begun the very long journey down the rabbit hole! Let her threaten you until the cows come home; YOU'VE got the upper hand here, in your own home, where SHE resides!

Long before I talked to DH about a 'divorce', I'd lay down the law about getting his mother OUT of the house and into managed care where she belongs.

Assuming DH holds POAs for his mother, he can use them to place her in Memory Care Assisted Living even if she doesn't want to move. If he doesn't want to take that route, call 911 next time she has a meltdown, and have her carted off to the ER for a psych evaluation, as BarbBrooklyn explained.

There ARE ways to get the woman placed and out of your home, if you both are on the same page (you and DH) that she needs to move out NOW. Your first priority needs to be one another and your children, not an elderly mother with dementia who's wreaking havoc in YOUR home. 3 years is enough of time you've put in caring for her already! If she has no funds, apply for Medicaid on her behalf and get her into Skilled Nursing instead of Memory Care AL.

Best of luck!!

Definitely time to move her elsewhere. I could never live with my Mom or subject my (grown) Kids to her, at any age. So she's going to "tell on you" if you move her elsewhere? Who has POA? How old is she?
You get blunt and be honest with her. Or have your Hubs when you and the Kids are gone. Figure out the Plan B first or a Plan B & a Plan C. He tells her "not working for us all to be under one roof...time for a change up in residence."
She is NOT allowed to destroy your lives. Reminds me of my Mom & how she would be under one roof.
NOT OK...B.S.

My mother’s dementia made her difficult in the years leading up to the pandemic and then we were all stuck together. I didn’t want to put her in a home because of all the pre-vax deaths (including in our own family). But I do regret subjecting my kids to her behaviour. They say they know it was the dementia talking, but I could still see their hurt. And I had nothing left emotionally for my kids after dealing with my mother. She could be like this for years (my mother was nasty for 5+ years) and your kids shouldn’t be afraid in their own home. The tension will affect them.

Video or document her behaviour and get her assessed for placement, by calling 911 if she is threatening. Get her Dr involved. I stressed so much trying to care for my mother (before I realized her happiness was impossible) and it was at the expense of my kids, my husband and my sanity. I know it’s your MIL, not your mother, but as prime caregiver, the first move will likely land on you.

BTW, my mother is 97. Seems dementia + demanding personality = longevity. Good luck to you.

The next time MIL starts acting out and spewing venom, call 911 and have her taken to the ER.

Tell EMTs she is a danger to herself and your minor children.

Tell the social workers at the hospital that she is no longer able to be cared for in your home. That you need a "social admit".

They will find placement.

How old is your MIL that you have minor children? And why was it felt 3 yrs ago that Mom could not stay alone? And yes, DH needs to do his share of caring for Mom.

Its not what MIL wants, its what she needs. Was she diagnosed by a Neurologist? If not she should see one. He can give her meds that may calm her down. If she has money, an AL would be a nice start. If no money, then LTC with Medicaid paying. She will need to be deemed 24/7 care for Medicaid to pay.

If she winds up in a hospital and Rehab is suggested, let her go. Ask for an evaluation for 24/7 care at the Rehab. If found she needs it, this is the time to transfer her from Rehab to LTC. Where I live they are in the same building. Easy transfer. You tell the SW you no longer will care for her.

In my opinion, she has no choice if her own son tells her "this is not working". When she says she will call APS and cry abuse, let her. Because this is what may happen. APS will take her out of your home and place her where they can find room. It may not be near by and it may not be the best place. Then the State will apply for guardianship. Now they have control over her and her money. You nor she will be able to pick where she goes and how the guardian handles things. You may be able to visit. I would tell her this the next time she threatens to call APS. Throw it back at her. It now becomes an empty threat because you show her you don't care. You really won't be effected because your problem is solved she will be the one paying the consequences for her actions. Call her bluff.

This will be hard if there is dementia involved but if she can threaten, she is not too far gone. DO NOT take her stuff. Tell her she is very lucky that her son took her in because no one else stepped up to the plate. That you will no longer take her abuse. She is in your home. If she does not like it there, she can always find herself another place to live and you can help her do that. This can be done in a firm manner and get ur point across. Remember, at this point she needs you more than you need her. When she gets abusive, walk away. Or try the "gray rock method", ignore her. Don't fight, just walk away. Do not disable her, if she can do something, have her do it. She should be doing her own wash, folding her own clothes and putting them away. Cleaning her own room. Cleaning up after herself. You should not be waiting on her hand and foot if she can do,

When she complains to your DH, you tell him that if she is going to live with you then there are going to be boundries set. You are not going to allow her abuse any longer in your house. And, when she becomes incontinent and needs help bathing and other ADLs, you will not be changing diapers and bathing her. When she can no longer do for herself, she will need to go to LTC. He needs to remember, she is not your Mom.

Mom needs to be put in her place. She needs to know that if her abuse goes on, you and DH are not going to continue to take it. This can be done with any screaming and fighting on your part. When she starts, say nothing, just walk away. Respect goes both ways.

【 I think multi generational living CAN work under the right circumstances, but this isn’t that as much as it is us caretaking someone who has told us she hates us.】 well said. If I were forced to do something that I don't want to, disrespectfully ordered to, cheated by or am incapable of doing in order to save marriage, my answer would be NO. Then I would make decisions by sticking to my principle, such as get financial independence, seek protection etc. in order to make No means NO. It doesn't mean I don't want to help, compromise, collaborate for problem-solving....

She gets two choices --

1. Move to a nice home where she'll receive good care, or

2. Be evicted to figure it out on her own.

Point out to her that APS will do #1 whether she likes it not, will take over every facet of her life, prevent her son and family (her "abusers") from seeing her, and well, if that's what she wants, you won't stand in her way.

In the meantime, have a facility already picked out and be ready to move her. You could even tell her APS has ordered it, and much as you *don't* like it, you're complying.

Hubby is making a mistake to ask his mother about moving to managed care, she’s no longer capable of these kind of decisions, dementia has robbed her of rational decision making abilities. Now is the time she’s depending on her family to make choices in her best interests, even if she disagrees. In a healthy, normal marriage a husband and wife give first priority to each other, not their parents. Another mistake of your husband. If he won’t listen to you saying you cannot do this anymore, you don’t have a MIL issue, it’s a marriage issue. Take your children away for a vacation somewhere else for a week or so, now is a great time with school out. Leave MIL and her caregiving needs to your husband. It’s the only way he’ll get a true picture of what you do.

Not really sure what suggestions I could make that could be helpful. I do think your priority is your children, not your MIL. I’m sure this situation is affecting them also. I also know I couldn’t handle this. Do you have family who can take you and your kids in for awhile? If so, I would tell your husband that you are DONE and will be staying with your family until he makes other arrangements for his mother.

You have a marriage issue. Your husband is exploiting you.

Your husband is correct: Mom does have to be cared for, and for three years he has been neglecting this duty. Put it to him that it is not in her best interests to stay living in a setting where her needs can't be met.

Does she have a say in the matter of where she lives? Yes, of course she does, dementia or no dementia. She can express a preference, and whoever supports her in making decisions should make every effort to accommodate her preference.

But no-one, demented or otherwise, is free to decide to live in somebody else's house without that person's (or those people's) consent. MIL can choose from whatever options are actually available to her, but she can't choose to live in your and DH's house if you don't make it one of the options.

What "homes" did DH talk to her about when she rejected the idea angrily? Have you got as far as selecting any to choose from, or was this just about the principle of the thing?

Why were you the ones who took her in? Who is the rest of the family when you mention "zero family help"?

You are going to get lots of great responses here, I'm sure (you've already gotten one). Please keep us up to date. We want to help you change your situation. We'll be with you every step of the way, if you'd like. The posters on this forum are great cheerleaders when someone actually takes steps to change their situation. (Not many of the posters in bad situations actually do go through the necessary steps to improve things, though...hope you are not in that group!)

Tell your Husband You Can No Longer care for His Mother and its time for assisted Living . If he doesnt Listen to you or consider your feelings You May want to consider a divorce. You Can Look into assisted Living Facilities and find a apartment for her . They have Pages on Facebook if you can't tour in Person . Get Unstuck . No One deserves abuse in their Own Home.

Let her call APS, in fact tell APS yourselves that you are unable to safely supervise and care for her anymore. They should at that point take steps to put her in a home.