The filters are gone. You wonder if they thought this way all along. I never had this problem but if I did, I wouldn't have taken Mom out. People may understand but it still makes for an uncomfortable situation. Yes, ur doing it for her but really, they no longer can enjoy the experience. Get someone to sit with her and you go out and have a nice time. They like the familiarity of where they live.
Glad to see this answer. Most families have their hearts in the right place and mean well... but don’t realize taking their elder for outings are ultimately not helping, and/or can’t accept their elder is in as bad a shape as they are, and can't enjoy what they did before.
My husband's grandma had dementia and had to be placed in AL. For months, my MIL thought she was being a good daughter by taking her mother with dementia for outings from her AL (which was a lovely place and great staff). Nothing huge, just lunch someplace or even just driving around for a bit.
But even just being out for an hour or two was so disorienting and (quietly) agitating for her. It would take days to get her settled back in her routine and space again. She’d think the drive was to go out of town and now she was in a hotel, or that the drive was really her daughter moving away (thus making her sad), couldn't find her bathroom anymore, etc. I think until then, my MIL thought she could reason with her and remind her she was in the same town, etc. Nope.
After a few months, MIL realized these outings, deep down, were a means of making herself feel less guilty about putting her mother in AL, even though there was no other option and it was a nice place.
Her mother didn’t curse in public but eventually would shout for no reason and pop out her dentures at a restaurant... things she’d have never done in her right mind! In her own way she was showing her agitation and fear, and MIL stopped taking her out.
I've heard of the suggestion to create business card type "alerts" to discreetly hand to staff at a restaurant, store, care providers etc so that a bit of dignity is preserved in the interactions.
I wouldn't take her out, visit her in the environment she is comfortable in. None of us knows how someone with dementia is feeling, she could be frightened or angry or frustrated, we don't know. If she is content and quiet in the home she is in I wouldn't take her from it to do something you (and I don't mean you in particular, we would all be in the same boat) think she would like.
Don’t take her out unless you have to. She is obviously not enjoying going out and I hope you have looked into places for her because she is only going to get worse. A woman I know had a husband with Alzheimer’s that just started out being verbally abusive and then became physically abusive. My MIL had Alzheimer’s for 10 years and lived in a nursing home. Fortunately she was a happy person but she was like a toddler. Don’t feel guilty either.
Usually the cursing is a sign of frustration or fear. Try to avoid busy or crowded times at the stores. Also realize that your MIL's dementia does not imply that you do this behavior. Smile at others and they will realize your MIL has a problem by your kind and patient responses.
My mother does this to me in private. If I tell her how I feel, she hangs up the phone. Our conversations(if you call it that) are one sided. I listen, she talks. My mother is 82 and is difficult to be around. She still likes getting a coffee in Starbucks because all the young staff are nice to her and she likes the socialization. She goes to church a lot and has her community there which keeps her busy but once she is home, she just wants to talk on the phone so much because she has no t.v. She rambles a lot. Our connection has changed because she no longer asks or even cares about what is going on in my life. It is hard for me because I have to give without receiving any real connection back from my mother. I have to admit, I don't call her as much as before, because there is no real connection anymore, just me listening.
Listening is providing a connection, let her talk to you even though it is different, just limit the time spent ‘together’. Take her to Starbucks if it makes her happy and she is well behaved. Maybe get her a tv or a radio to keep her company at home, she’ll spend less time on the phone. Talking on the phone usually indicates she is lonely. An Echo Dot is a wonderful substitute listening companion.
I wouldn't take her anywhere except to her doctor's appointments and to get her hair cut, etc. and tell the hair stylist what to expect so there will be no shock and explaining to do when it happens. Past that, don't expose her to others. People can be understanding but some can also be very hateful. I agree with another's comment that she has lost her filter and what many folks would wonder is why you are marching her through stores or public places with her using foul language at you or others and misbehaving whether she can help it or not. I feel so sorry for her and for you because you are having to deal with this. Just take her where necessary for her care and draw the line there. Better for everybody concerned, especially you and her.
I try to avoid going to crowded stores. Dad gets so impatient and vocalizes LOUDLY his feelings. I've never had anyone say anything mean to us but have noticed that people give us a lot of space and let us on through.
In a memory care facility, a new resident arrived. The first time I saw her, she was loudly asking for pizza. When told the pizza was not yet ready, she threw herself on the floor and began sobbing loudly. The second time she was near me, she said to me only "No pizza, FU** you". The third time I saw her she lightly pushed me and said "FU** you" again. There were other issues. The facility or the family decided that perhaps the place was not well-suited for this individual, who was very ill. She left. But darn could she curse.
My husband's grandma had dementia and had to be placed in AL. For months, my MIL thought she was being a good daughter by taking her mother with dementia for outings from her AL (which was a lovely place and great staff). Nothing huge, just lunch someplace or even just driving around for a bit.
But even just being out for an hour or two was so disorienting and (quietly) agitating for her. It would take days to get her settled back in her routine and space again. She’d think the drive was to go out of town and now she was in a hotel, or that the drive was really her daughter moving away (thus making her sad), couldn't find her bathroom anymore, etc. I think until then, my MIL thought she could reason with her and remind her she was in the same town, etc. Nope.
After a few months, MIL realized these outings, deep down, were a means of making herself feel less guilty about putting her mother in AL, even though there was no other option and it was a nice place.
Her mother didn’t curse in public but eventually would shout for no reason and pop out her dentures at a restaurant... things she’d have never done in her right mind! In her own way she was showing her agitation and fear, and MIL stopped taking her out.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-avoid-dementia-difficulties-while-in-public-426306.htm
My mother is 82 and is difficult to be around. She still likes getting a coffee in Starbucks because all the young staff are nice to her and she likes the socialization.
She goes to church a lot and has her community there which keeps her busy but once she is home, she just wants to talk on the phone so much because she has no t.v. She rambles a lot. Our connection has changed because she no longer asks or even cares about what is going on in my life. It is hard for me because I have to give without receiving any real connection back from my mother. I have to admit, I don't call her as much as before, because there is no real connection anymore, just me listening.