Is it normal for a person with Alzheimer's to tell people that they are not happy with where they are living? - AgingCare.com

Is it normal for a person with Alzheimer's to tell people that they are not happy with where they are living?

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I am the care giver for my mom, she lives with me. but every time one of my brothers or sisters come to visit she takes them to the side and tells them she is not happy with me. When I ask her about it she says they are lying on her. If I offer to help her find some place she would be happier at she cries because she don't want to move. How do I handle this? She is at the stage where she can't even fix a bowl of cereal so she is not able to stay alone

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(I, too, hope the visiting siblings know mom is being treated well and its just the disease talking! They don't appear to be doing anything to help but it would be disturbing if they took her seriously and decided to make a stink, wouldn't it?)

As for mom 'not happy with (______fill in the blank)'........NOBODY INVOLVED IS HAPPY, EITHER.
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I am so sorry you're going through that. It's an unfortunate and heartbreaking effect of Alzheimer's that our loved ones often make up stories to get what they want, usually based around imaginary things they believe are happening that actually aren't. My mother would tell us she was being abused to try to get us to take her out of the care facility we had moved her into, even though she was being lovingly cared for. Make your siblings and family aware of this and just keep loving her, being as patient as you can.
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Do your siblings understand what is going on with her mind? Do they read about this condition and really understand that your mom just isn't capable of providing truthful information all of the time? I'd make sure they get it. Perhaps, a visit to their house might be in order for a few days, if they can handle it and some reading material on dementia might help them too.

How do you know that your mom is telling your siblings this information? Do you overhear it or do they come back and report to you? I suspect they need to get more sensitive with your feelings. If they truly get it, then they should telling you point blank that they understand and that they KNOW where mom's words are coming from and that they are grateful for the great care you give her.

Also, keep in mind that she may deny having said negative things about being happy, because in her mind, she may not recall saying it. Additionally, remember that many dementia patients are not happy anywhere they reside. It depends on the person. I'm fortunate that my cousin tells me that she loves living in her apt (that's what she calls it) in Memory Care. She says they treat her well and it's so nice there. However, I think it depends on the stage the patient is in. Your mom may go through the stage she is in now and not make those comments anymore. I've notice that about dementia in my cousin.
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It is not the patient who gives hard time but the Alzheimer that gives the patient and the care giver a hard time! We want to be the best for the loved one but the dementia is deconcerting. We care giver have to learn a all new set of reactions and manner to be in relationship. It is as painful as mourning.
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The dementia patient is not GIVING you a hard time

The dementia patient is HAVING a hard time...
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It is incrdiblynhard to see a beloved mother literally going downwith this horrible Alzheimer and on top of this to endure cruel comments. Your mom is unhappy with her degradation but she doesńt know how to express this and you are the one she hurts in the process. I know it´s heart breaking because my own mom says to me once that it was sad to have just one daughter (me) and that I was so mean ( she has to be washed). Even knowing it is the dementia talking, it hurts onso many levels. The head u derstand but not the heart. I dońt think growing a hard skin is the answer. It is learning to live with these heart breaking moments a moment at a time. Sorry I wish I could be more helpful or at least hopeful. I'm still learning myself and it is not easy at all.
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I guess I thought all bets were off with an Alzheimer's diagnosis and we were to not be surprised by unusual remarks or actions. I've not had this experience personally but regardless of the diagnosis I'm sure it's painful for mom to express her discontent to your siblings. Hopefully you'll get an answer from someone who knows more. It's good you are researching so you and your siblings will better understand what is to come and can work together to reassure mom. I wouldn't think it would be beneficial to question her about her conversation with your siblings since it just upsets her. It sounds like it's one of those many opportunities to grow a thicker skin. Also if a particular sibling seems to be questioning things you could always offer for mom to go visit for a little while.
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susan, caring for someone with Alzheimer's is so difficult. If you've read posts on here from people who are caring for someone with Alzheimer's you'd see that your mom telling lies is normal, or "normal" for someone with Alzheimer's. People with Alzheimer's say all kinds of things. The person caring for them can be accused of abuse, of stealing, of plotting against them....the list goes on and on.

I hope your brothers and sisters know that you're taking good care of your mom and that it's her Alzheimer's that's talking. Anything your mom says to anyone should be taken with a grain of salt.

When my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's my mom and my aunts all read "The 36 Hour Day". It's a wonderful and informative book about Alzheimer's disease. Maybe you could pass along a copy to your siblings.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope your family comes to realize that nothing your mom says can be taken as gospel.
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