My dad is in SNF for dementia (for now, thinking of moving him to Memory Care somewhere). My mom doesn't drive and never has driven. So I am chauffeuring my mom around for almost daily visits to see dad, and her other errands. (she also has a couple nice lady friends from church who bring her to church activities). I am insisting she sign up for the local metro senior ride service but she won't. Finally I took matters into my own hands and called her Dr. to fill out the MD portion and I would pick up the forms and fill out the rest.
While at the nursing home yesterday I was doing this, and my mom came and snatched the forms out of my hands. She read it and read the Dr. said she is "disabled" as she has osteoporosis, high blood pressure, and hard of hearing. My mom says this is not disable. The Dr. said my mom is able to walk less than three blocks. My mom says that is a lie, and I would agree she can walk more, but this is what the Dr. wrote. It is not for my mom to change it.
Then, and this is almost comical, under the other conditions which may effect the person, the Dr. wrote my mom has severe anxiety. This totally set my mom off and says that is not true and has nothing to do with rides. Her reaction sort of proved the point.
I was going to bring it home and fill out but she made a scene in the nursing home saying she would do it, and I said she would not, so now I have told her I will not bring her anywhere until it is filled out ready to mail. She claims she has filled it out but has some questions, so I am going to go there and if it is not filled out we are not going anywhere. I guess I have had a hard time setting boundaries. Why should she sign up for this when I chauffer her around at will? When I say I will not give her a ride until this is filled out, she shames me asking if I would really be that way.
Shame can go in both directions.
I told my mom I could no longer be at her beck and call for "emergencies". (Leaving work in a panic, driving and hour in a snowstorm to find that she was worried about her washing machine not working, or something like that. I told her I wasn't going to do that anymore. She was quite outraged; I said to her "my brother (her favorite child) is gonna have a heart attack racing to one of these 'emergencies" of yours. What are you gonna do then, Ma?" That set her back a bit. She was much more reasonable after that.
I honestly don't think they understand just how things affect other people. It's like the senior who has no financial woes, but, refuses to pay a person to do laundry and clean her house, but, expects her adult children, who work jobs outside of the home as well, to take their Saturdays to come over and do all this for her, free of charge. lol I mean......it's rather bizarre. When I see things like this, I wonder if they would have thought this way 20 years ago and I think not.
Boundaries, pick a day during the week for shopping. Give her a white board to write down what she is out. If she forgets something, tell her u will pick it up when u can. If u feel she is able to use the bus, then suggest it again saying she can't depend on u all the time. So if she needs to get out, this is the way to go. Remember, our parents still look at us as children and don't like us telling them what to do. My SIL and MIL never got along because Sister-in-law always came on like gang busters. MIL didn't appreciate being told how to live.