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After a fall in June, and a useless stay in rehab through July, my sister and I made the decision to sell my mom's house and move her to the best memory care we could find because she has severe dementia--probably stage 6, pushing stage 7. Because of the fall, she became so fearful of standing (and falling again) that she has become wheelchair bound as well. The memory care is wonderful, but mom alternates between thinking it's her house and thinking she is going home sometimes. She is starting to have some negative behaviors with the staff because she is so confused why they are "violating" her privacy. We never had "the talk" with her telling her she was there permanently because she literally has about a three second short term memory. However, she will probably outlive her funds as we can only afford nine more months and this is NOT a Medicaid facility. We couldn't find any that would take her because of the combination of being non-ambulatory and dementia!! They have promised to help with the Medicaid paperwork and get her into the good SNF in the area a few months prior to running out of money even though it currently has a years long waiting list. Should I trust them??? I don't know that I have other options as it was a struggle to even get her into this private pay facility in the first place. Do I bother to try and explain any of this to mom when the time comes or assume that she'll be even less cognizant six months from now, and it won't matter? I'm just freaking out months in advance over having to move her to a shared room "hospital" type setting after being in this lovely home like facility.

My mom lives in a small (maximum number of residents is 20) memory care assisted-living facility. Each resident has their own room. It's not fancy, but we like it. It's part of a chain. I think it accepts people who are on Medicaid. (Mom is private pay.) Most of the staff members are very nice. Mom uses a wheelchair or a walker. She needs help with getting into and out of the bathroom and going to and from the dining room. The facility is in the small city where my siblings and I grew up and where Mom has lived for about 70 years. We hadn't heard of this facility before we started looking for a place. I think it tends to be overshadowed by the big continuing-care retirement community where many people in the city eventually move to.
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Reply to Rosered6
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I see no point in attempting to explain any of this to your mother. She may just find it upsetting in the moment, and will forget minutes later. She may not even understand at all.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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MyOtherMother Nov 6, 2025
Thank you
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Do not talk to mom about any of this, there is no point in doing so. With dementia advanced to this point, she cannot comprehend change, moving, or much of anything else. Keep her in the dark about a move until it happens, that's my suggestion. You're in a no win situation many of us find ourselves in, so don't add stress to your plate. You're only human. My heart goes out to you. My mother was 95 and private paying in Memory Care Assisted Living with her funds about to run out. I had the Medicaid app printed and ready to go, a SNF picked out, and was ready to move her there, private pay while the app was processing. One day, out of the blue, I get a call from hospice she "had a status change." She went into her bed semi comatose, and died one week later to the day. It was a blessing for many reasons, and the timing was God at work, for sure. I was saved the stress of moving her, and she was saved having a roommate sharing her bathroom, her most sacred space. And her suffering was finally over, and I was able to breathe again.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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MyOtherMother Nov 3, 2025
Thank you for understanding and letting me know I'm not alone on this journey. My stepsister and I are the only ones in this together even though there are 8 siblings, but at least we have each other to vent, laugh and cry. It's just that I am the POA so I feel like I'm the one who has to make all the hard decisions. I've watched my grandma, two aunts and my mother in law go through this so I know it's going to get worse before the end, so I can't help but stress.
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When it comes to Medicaid, there are often not any “good” ones. What matters is securing her admission to any one of them before the memory care kicks her out for nonpayment.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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"...they don't have the ability to provide the one on one care she needs."

Are you really expecting one-on-one care for her? If so, you will need to continue to pay for a private aid in her home or care for her yourself. Even very high-end places in my metro suburban area doesn't offer that ratio, particularly since we're in a labor shortage with no end in sight.

If you are too picky and wait for her to require Medicaid, then you will guarantee she will only qualify for the worst places.

Join Nextdoor.com (which is an intranet of actual non-anonymous people living in your own community) and ask for suggestions and recommendations for facilities. The lawyer isn't going to have a full knowledge of all facilities and will be happy to take your money for a search you can be doing yourself for free.
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MyOtherMother Nov 3, 2025
I wasn't literally meaning one on one care. But when she was talking about them having two or three meal options, I said, my mom won't be able to make a choice, and that she sometimes needs to be encouraged to eat. The nurse said that kind of care needs to be done at a memory care, not an SNF. I was shocked. I am not being picky. I am looking for a place that is humane and clean and can meet her needs. If anyone in the family had funds, we'd be paying to keep her where she is at, but they don't and I don't.
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I suggest you start looking now. As soon as you find a LTC you like and takes medicaid, put her on the list or if a bed is open, get her in there ASAP. Take what money she has and pay privately. Paying privately will get her in quicker. When she is down to 3 months of money left, apply for Medicaid. This is how I did it and everything went smoothly.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I suggest getting her on waiting lists for multiple SNFs rather than just the one, and hoping they'll have an availability at the time your mother needs it.
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Reply to Stardust
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There really aren't any options here, are there. This isn't a case of door one or door two. There is only one door and your Mom is there.
Given there is dementia it would be only cruel to discuss this with your mother who could be thrown into a paranoia of utter abject fear.

Sadly you are in the place all caregivers are--and it is full of fear. For now you have sought and been given the best answers there are.
I wish you ongoing good luck. I hope you'll stay on the forum as you may read helpful things as you go.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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MyOtherMother Nov 6, 2025
Thank you for your insight. My other option is to try and look a little further away--like within 50 miles. I'm not sure if the trade off of finding a good place vs. me seeing her every day will be worth it, but I have to know if there are any other options out there.
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"Should I trust them?"

No, this is too important a thing to leave to others. Besides, when she applies for Medicaid you will need to supply all the personal and financial info to whoever is filling out the app anyway -- they don't have access to it and can't conjure it up on their own.

Look for nursing home recommendations on Nextdoor.com as this will be easier, quicker and the comments will be more honest.

Don't wait until she runs out of money (3 months before she runs out). Download the Medicaid app for her home state and look at the info that is required. I did it for my MIL and if your Mom doesn't have hardly any money or assets, there's nothing much to fill out. You don't need a middle man for this. Just know that it is very time-sensitive and if they come back and ask for more or clarified information, you need to provide it immediately or else you will need to reapply from the start.

No, do not attempt to tell your Mom "truth" about her situation since she can't even retain it. Use "therapeutic fibs" like, "Mom, when you can demonstrate your ADLs to your doctor then s/he will reassess you for release." Then change the subject.

Is your Mom on any meds for depression/anxiety/agitation? If not, it is probably time to ask her primary doctor.

Do not allow yourself to freak out when nothing has happened yet. Save your emotional energy to find solutions. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MyOtherMother Nov 3, 2025
Thank you. Yes, they have started her on both anti anxiety and depression meds and upped them already. I did look at MANY facilities when this happened in July and have done tons of research. There are NO good ones in the area. The one that I was "promised" is calm and clean at least and seems to have some kind of secret reciprocal arrangement with the current facility as even my mom's wheelchair has their name on it. Who knows why.... The only other one an elder care lawyer suggested told me flat out they are NOT a great fit for dementia patients as they don't have the ability to provide the one on one care she needs. She doesn't even know how to use things like a call light, remote, etc... To be honest, my hope was that she would die before the next nine months so I wanted to keep her in the best facility I could for as long as possible as I'm pretty sure she'll die shortly in the next one because of lack of care. I don't know how to NOT freak out, but I'm trying every day.
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