Mom will be 100 in 2 months. She has become agressive and needs to placed in a home. What should we do?

I can’t even tell you how much I relate to this post, sadly. Though it’s pretty much over for me, she’s in the nursing home where she will stay until she dies. My mother has been bedridden for 6 years at 85 years old and I still would not be surprised if she outlives me. But I will never sleep under the same roof with her again.

If it is dangerous to care for mom she needs to be placed in Memory Care for her safety as well as the safety of the caregivers.
You need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney.
Her doctors need to document that she needs care 24/7
ALL the siblings have to agree that they can no longer safely care for her at home.
She can be placed in memory Care. She does not have to agree to it.
Once she is placed the house can be sold OR the siblings can buy the house. Or it might be possible that they can begin paying rent and the rent paid goes to mom's care. But an attorney will advise on the best way to solve this.

"Why now" bc mom's care has gone over the top, management wise, and may cause your siblings to pass before she does!

Let common sense prevail now, where you take everyone's life into consideration instead of just one 100 year old elder who's been given free reign to wreak utter havoc all this time, as if no other choices in life exist. They do. Hospice is one of several, at home or in a SNF where calming meds can be administered to help HER relax a bit bc agitated hitting and kicking isn't benefiting anyone, let's face it. Mom deserves peace here as well as her children.

Visit a Certified Elder Care attorney immediately to explore your options before one or more of you wind up hospitalized from stress and burn out.

Best of luck.

Do you know that mom is receiving Social Security benefits on only her four years' worth of wages back in the dark ages? That may not be true. If they were married ten years or more, which must be the case, Social Security retirement benefits would have been based either on her income alone or half of dad's benefits. She would have been counseled by Social Security to take half of his benefits if that would work out to more for money for her.

When he died, she would have been entitled to his whole Social Security amount. She would have needed to claim it. However, they would have to have been legally married for the things I've mentioned to happen.

Someone needs to talk to Social Security on her behalf. Make an appointment at your nearest office, or they will make an appointment to talk with you or her on the phone. I get the idea that mom may not be able to speak on her behalf, or if she can, you'd possibly have to take her into their office. You'll need both mom's and dad's social security numbers.

A lawyer would know how to set the machinery in motion to find out what you need to know. You definitely need to know if mom can be paid retroactively for money she never claimed.

Sometimes information gets kicked around the family and everyone starts to believe it. I have a hard time believing that 100-year-old mom only gets SS based on four years of her own wages. That would be at least 35 years of less than she was entitled to receive. If it's true, why? How long has it been since she was competent?

Mom needs to go a care facility, and you all need to get your lives back. You don't owe mom anything. And she doesn't owe anyone a house, either, which she's already made clear.

If she has lived to be 100 without being placed in a home, why now?

It's a good thing she didn't sign over her house to the siblings. They'd take a huge hit on capital gains taxes when they sold it.

Never, ever sign a house over to your kids if you've lived there a significant amount of time.

This LITERALLY HAPPENED in my family. All of the siblings immediately offered to sign their rights over to the three who lived with my Tiny Tyrant grandmother, and ONE “held out”.

He was ultimately shamed into acquiescing, but the family dynamic was never fully restored.

She truly, fairly, kindly, and in her best interests plus her suffering family’s, to be placed in residential treatment.

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds absolutely dreadful.

All of us need to educate ourselves about the Medicaid laws in our state. It would alleviate some of our anxiety concerning the ‘what if’ scenarios running rampant in our minds.

I agree with everyone else that your mom needs to be on meds to calm down her agitation. Life would be somewhat more tolerable if she were compliant with your requirements.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

Unfortunately, your siblings did not know better then to allow a shadowing habit to form. They should have NEVER slept on couches next to her for any reason. Not even for one night. That needs to stop today. Let her cry and fuss. Ignore her. She'll cry herself to sleep for a couple of nights then she will be fine.
As for the house, what happens after she passes? There are of seven of you. Will the other siblings come looking for their inheritance and force the sale? Hence putting your two siblings who live there out in the street?
I don't know your siblings but are the others going to be fine with not getting any inheritance?
If the sibs living there in misery taking care of mom and keep her home, should get the entire house. That should be a given but that probably isn't going to happen.
So put her in a nursing home. She belongs in one. Medicaid is sometimes more reasonable to deal with then siblings. They won't just throw your brother and sister into the street if they have nowhere else to go, and if they can prove they've been her caregivers for more than two years. I'm sure they can easily prove that.
Your mother gets Medicare. She also has some other kind of secondary insurance which pays the 20% Medicare does not. This is probably some kind of retirement insurance that was from your father.
Medicare will pay for up to two weeks respite stay a year in a nursing home or memory care facility for a person. This is so their caregivers can get a break from them.
I would strongly recommend you place your mother in respite to give your poor brother and sister a break. During that time the family can meet with the social workers who are available at anywhere you place her for the respite stay. Discuss Medicaid with them and what will happen to your brother and sister. If agreeable terms can be made, leave your mother there and don't take her home.

The mother is probably already collecting on her H's record. Since she only worked for 4 years, she doesn't have enough qualifying time to receive any SS on her own record. So the limit to what she can receive is 50% of her deceased H's benefit.

What a dysfunctional situation! 7 elders are jumping through the hoops that their nearly-100-year-old mother is placing! I feel so sad for all of you. What was she like when you were growing up?

I have no advice, really, just a sad sense of so many of you giving up[ life to prop up your mother. I bet you feel like she's never, ever going to pass and this is life, forever. If she is combative, at age 100--some tranquilizers would be very appropriate and almost necessary to manage her.

Were this my mom, she'd have been in a NH many years ago--the level of co-dependency in your family is sad and depressing.

A quick chat with an elder care atty wouldn't go amiss. You do want to do things the right way and not have any more drama.

Sounds like your mom wins Narcissist of the Year award. (I'm not being funny).

Because your siblings have lived with Mom and cared for her more than two years, Medicaid will allow them to remain in the home. They are already caring for it.

I do hope when Dad died Mom went to SS to have her portion adjusted. She was already getting half of Dads so she was entitled to the other half. It would be pretty much what he received in SS.

Mom needs care. There are meds to control her aggressiveness.

If your mother was married to your father for more than 10 years, she can apply to receive his SS benefit. Call or go online to the SSA for how to do this.

Regarding her aggression and agitation, talk to her physician about meds. Your Mom can't control herself anymore so calming her through medication is merciful to all involved.

She needs to go into a facility so that your siblings can have their lives and health and finances back.

However, in most states Medicaid only pays for LTC, which is assessed as medically necessary by a physician, and then she needs to qualify financially as well. She should be seen by her primary doctor or talk to the admins of the facility to see about Medicaid beds and her needing LTC since she doesn't seem "mobile".

Medicaid doesn't "take houses" but they do put a lien on them that needs to be satisfied when sold or title transferred. See cwillie's response to you. Your siblings should talk to an elder law attorney or Medicaid Planner for Texas to find out exactly what the possibilities are and to make sure they are managing her affairs in a way that won't disqualify her ability to get it.

It is my understanding that because your siblings have provided several years of care that kept her out of a nursing home her house may be exempt from medicaid estate recovery, you need to talk with an elder law attorney that is versed in medicaid.