My mom recently went to live with my sister in southern IL. - AgingCare.com

My mom recently went to live with my sister in southern IL.

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she hates living there and wants to come live with me my sister says I cannot take her is there anything I can do

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I agree with pamstegma.
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Agree, is there a health reason ur Mom is with ur sister? If Dementia she will not be happy anywhere she goes. They want what they have known for years, their own home. They don't understand why they can't do anymore. She hasn't been at your sisters long enough to adjust. Like mentioned, taking on a parent with it without Dementia is hard.
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Many things are easier said then done. I took care of my mother in law and my mom. One day they loved living with me the next day they complained. From one day to the next I never knew what the day would bring. As your mom gets older her needs will become greater. First I would talk openly with your sister if that is possible. You should both go to an Elder Care Attorney with your mom. It is important, they will help you with Medicaid, they will help guide you financially so your mom's papers are files when it is right, they will help if there are any assets. All mom's expenses should be on a credit card, not cash. There are penalties if you take money out of her name and things are not done correctly if she should ever need Medicaid. As if she needs Medicaid the look back s 5 years and they check for every penny spent. It is a grueling process. I could not talk with my sisters, they did not want to hear anything from me. I was POA and responsible for my mom. I ended up finding a living assisted facility that worked out best. I was there very often, and my mom was able to make friends, play bingo and hear entertainment. She hated the food, but dealt with it. I can tell you that as prepared as you may think you are when your mom wears diapers, is wheelchair bound, or if she gets dementia, or her personality changes due to age, nothing can prepare you. If your sister is good with having your mom there, try to help her, give her some time for herself. If she needs money to help with your mom offer it, for clothing, food, co-pays, over the counters, gas for her car etc. Eventually, your mom will get used to living there. It is a gift to you that your sister is taking care of your mom, thank her 1000 times over, support her, and don't stress her out any more than she already could be. I had no support from my sisters, only stress if they felt I was not doing something as they felt, meanwhile they lived in other states and had no clue what was happening. My mom loved me and we had this great bond. But I will tell you it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, taking care of my mom, dealing with meetings at the LAFacility, and handling other medical problems that started and became intense as she aged. Good Luck
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There are several things you need to consider when taking on a parent in your household. No matter what your situation is, you have to also consider hers. First of all and foremost do either you or your sister have POA? If not then maybe you should consider getting it. For your sister to say you cannot take Mom makes me wonder if she needs your mother's income to help her with her own finances. This is very important and needs to be addressed with your Mom and your sister. Don't be on the attack just bring it up in a conversation as trying to be helpful. I was placed in that situation by my own syblings and accused of robbing my Mother blind after they found out I was helping Mom with her finances because she wanted me to help her. I no longer have a relationship with my one sister who accused me even though she was in the wrong. It started a family fight and I am the youngest of six and live in the same state as my Mom. My brother and his wife were the only ones to stand up for me. He is in banking and had known Mom asked for my help. So please be wise and gently when stepping in that way.

If your Mom is capable of living on her own and is lonely then maybe she would be better living in a senior community. My own Mom who is 92 lives alone in a very nice neighborhood. I moved her from the family home about an hour from me. She lived with me and my family for about 8 months and it was very difficult for her and us. She had separation anxiety which I didn't realize at the time. She also had everything in storage except for her bedroom furniture. So this played a huge role into her sudden anxiety and some depression. We continued to look for a place for her where she would be comfortable as she was still able to do for herself with the exception of her finances. She still drives every day just a few miles to a senior center and back where she is around others her age. She eats lunch there and plays cards.

They also go on all day outings about once or twice a month. She loves it and the new house we found her. She has her freedom and her independence back. The neighbors watch out for her and I am only 10 minutes away from her. Her anxiety and depression went away as soon as she was into her new house with all of her things. I take her out once a week for lunch or dinner with myself or my family. We go shopping, get manicures or pedicures, massages and or facials about once a month. It keeps her active and she loves the time she spends with me. It is a lot off fun for us both as I don't feel stressed out like I did when she lived with us. She felt that every time I left the house she needed to go with me. Sometimes I just needed to get away from her as did my 2 boys. My husband was able to come and go when he wanted but not me. Once we found her a new house that all changed.

Check out places for her to live on her own. There are many senior facilities or communities around. Check into the local senior centers to see what they have to offer. You'd be surprised at some of them. Others don't offer much while the 2 in my community work with each other and offer more than most do. It is well worth the time and effort. Have your sister help you so she doesn't feel left out or that you want to sabotage her existing arrangement with your Mom. The 3 of you need to work together on this as it is for your mother's benefit not your sister's.
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First, I would find out if your mother has dementia, or alzheimers. Then insist that your mother gets a check-up from her doctor or from someone like a geriatric doctor who is better to explain her condition. 2nd, then find out about what her medicines she is suppose to take. 3rd, let her know that coming to live with you and your family what is expected, and 4th, don't let her be a problem, let her know that you would enjoy having her living with you and how this can help both you and her. Sit down with her and talk about her and what she needs and what you need. I understand that this is an ongoing thing and everyday can be a challenge but however it doesn't have to be. If you are working during the day, put her in daycare where she can be watched, and monitored. She will need constant care while you are away working or something. She has to be fed, bathe, changed, and given her medicine. You also need to know that having your mother live with you is a 24 hour job. I know cause I used to care for my mother and she had alzheimers. They don't know what they want from one minute to the next. My mother loved to eat oatmeal.Then when I gave her some, she said that she didn't like oatmeal. I told her, mama, you loved to eat oatmeal. No I don't. So I know that she used to love it, but then when having dementia or alzheimers, You just never know what is going to come out of their mouths. You sitting down with her may be a mistake, cause she may not remember the conversation the next day. So, you will have your hands full, and my advice would be to make sure you have some help, because you need to stay focus and stay healthy because she will be a handful to do all by yourself. And if your sister is in better shape to take care of her, ask her to see if maybe you can take her out for a while, then maybe your sister will appreciate it more. Then by spending a few hours with her, maybe you can understand your mother a little more. Take her out to eat or maybe to a Park, maybe to watch the ducks in a local pond, or then maybe this will help your sister get some much needed rest. Talk with your sister about how you can help maybe for just a day then you can understand about how your mother really is. Because she will be a handful to take. We thought that we could take care of our mother because we did not want to think about a nursing home, but we soon realized that we could not take care of her the way we should have. So after about 6 months, we had to put her in a nursing home. We didn't want to but we had to. She didn't know who we were, and she stop taking care of herself,and we just didn't know how to deal with her many issues. I hope you understand a lot about alzheimers and or dementia. Read all you can on it, and then some more. Protect her from anyone who may or may not have any dealings with unscrupulous people but also yourself or family. You are the only people that she has to depend on and you need to be honest in everything you do for her, or about her. If you need more help then we are always here to help.
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Gramnugget, what is your mom's impairment -- why does she have to live with someone? Mobility issues, dementia, vision problems? What?

Where was Mom living before she went to Sis's?

Why doesn't she like it there?

What is your own living arrangement? Apartment, house? Alone? Other family members? Do you work? Will there be anyone home during the day?

Does anyone have healthcare power of attorney for Mom? Who?

We'll need a fuller story to give you any meaningful advice.
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If you have any sense, you will not take her in. She would move in with you, then expect you to be her total home entertainment center. Of course, you can't amuse her every moment, so she will call your sister and tell her she hates living with you. Catch my drift?
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