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Mom did exceedingly well while at rehab. She was pleasant, agreeable, and according to those who worked with her a “joy”. Fast forward...she is miserable, combative, and worse than ever since home. She is on anti- depressants and zanax for anxiety. She is very nice to her home aides, PT and OT’s as long as they cater to her whims. I think she thrived on all the attention she received while at rehab and had the same expectation that family members would coddle her as well. She has been hostile to both me and my sister and seems her contentious personality is worse than ever. Has anyone else experienced this? She insists on remaining in her home and has been diagnosed with mild dementia.

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Some Seniors just want things to go back to normal. There isn't any normal anymore. Its hard for them to realize it. Thank God my aunt just let me move her. The first place was too big, it was a small community - too many people.

Now I have her in a 6 pack, and see is doing okay.
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When my mom died, I called one of her old friends. Jane lost 2 husbands. The first husband was on a baseball league. He had too many head injuries, and over the years, it took him. Jane remarried, He died of cancer a couple years ago, he was in his 80's When I told her about mom, she said to me: "It was her time, honey. She was too tired, It's okay. She is in a better place now. She can rest. I am sorry. She was tired, and it was her time to go."

Every time you go to the hospital, a doctor told me, a little part of the person slips away. Older people are there because something isn't quite right. UTI's, infections, fractures, especially if you have to go under anesthesia, will take a bit out of the person. He was honestly right. Adding everybody up who was over 80, did lose a bit of mind after the surgeries and the hospital stays.

My FIL after being diagnosed with cancer, would tell me, "You don't get off this Earth alive."

Part of getting dementia is not quite understanding or refuse to understand that the brain isn't functioning normally. You are losing control of your daily life's decisions. Everything is not okay, and you just can't role with it, because that means you must give control to someone else..It' scary.

The anger and frustration comes out at the people they love and know, because we are the ones who are responsible, and we want our sick ones to be well cared for, safe, and happy. We can't force anyone to be happy. They just want to get control back. They were commander for their ship, their body and mind, for years until this disease snuck in and screwed up the panel boards.
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Reply to MAYDAY
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Oh for sure! Mother was a favorite of her PT and her OT and several of the CNAs. They spoke of how funny and delightful she was. Two of them even cried when she left! She did everything they asked of her with the exception of a few days playing at being too nauseous to go for torture (this was her clever way of referring to therapy). We were confident she was going to come home and continue her exercises and do whatever necessary to get back to her weekly bridge games.

Nope.

After a trip to get a manicure that totally exhausted her, she realized it wasn't going to be effortless. At first she halfheartedly participated when the therapists came to our house. Then she began being "too sick" on the days they were supposed to come. Finally, the agency signed off on her and got her into home hospice.

We tried at first to get her to keep improving, but that lasted for less than a week. Now she's back to classic toddler behavior of demanding things and pitching fits. She's just unreasonable.

Now that she's bedridden, she thinks my sister and I are on full-time temperature control duty. "Come turn on the fan! I'm so hot I'm about to die!!" We go turn on the fan. We also stand and fan her with a bamboo one like concubines. A very few minutes later she hollers, "I'm freezing! Come turn the fan off! Come cover me up!!" This goes on all day and all night. I know there are those who think we shouldn't give into her wishes. My sister stomps and cusses under her breath while she's tending to Mother. I say to myself I'm doing these things because I'm showing love. However, if she asks me to start peeling grapes, I will be forced to put my foot down.
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Reply to kwagmyers
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MAYDAY Apr 13, 2019
can she still move her arms and hands? Get a remote control fan, and hand her the remote control, and say, here, try this mom, now you can control it any time you want.

I think they have little space heaters with remote controls now too. Check out Home Depot.

Maybe invest in an electric heating blanket with the knobs when the cold nights come around.

Play music in the room so you can't hear her yelling for you constantly.

Get someone in one day a week to give you and your sister a break.
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Yup. Mother rehabbed just fine, was a "peach" acc to her PT's. Last day of PT, and I walk the PT out to his car. Asked him what the chances were she would remain upright (not slumped over the walker and "chasing it" which had been a problem) and he said "Oh, there's not a chance in the world. She'll be C-curved in a month". I was kind of aghast, but he was honest.

Mother never touched her exercise bands again and they rotted away. I threw them out (and caught he77 for it) when they became dangerously weak.

She was in fact, slumped over and cannot lift her head. All due to refusal to comply with care. 10 minutes twice a day and she could stand upright, but then, where's the "pity party" in THAT?

Also, anesthesia does her in for months afterwards. She has never taken anything but Valium for "depression" and that's odd since it isn't FOR depression.

We all just work around her. I see her once every 4-6 weeks as I simply don't need to. I am not one of the golden children and I can get by with doing nothing. She actually prefers that.

She's currently shopping for a new surgeon who will do her other hip. It's not necessary to be replaced...but she wants to do it before she gets 'too old'. She's 89. Her last surgeon fired her as a patient and told her to exercise. He said he never wanted to see her in his office again, for anything. (He's a super nice guy and brother said he didn't say it that way....just said she was too old and too frail)
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Reply to Midkid58
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My mother suffered a dramatic downturn when she fell and broke her hip, and never returned to her home.
She was angry and fearful, fiercely stubborn and negative, and couldn’t be reasoned with, and had severely fragmented recollection of her past.
Although we had an almost perfect situation for her care in our home, she never really adjusted, and after 10 months she entered the facility where she’d received rehab as a full time resident.
The 5 1/2 years she spent there were far happier than the 30 years she’d spent at home, before she’d fallen.
She died 5 days before her 95th birthday, and one day after the death of my aunt, who had been her Matron of Honor 65 years before.
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Reply to AnnReid
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Mom has Dementia. Going under probably accelerated it. They are able to "showtime". Then they take it out on those who care for them. Breaking a hip is very serious in the elderly.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I went through something similar with my mom who had cancer. She received PT and OT and did very well while she was in rehabilitation. She was looking forward to coming home and we were looking forward to her being home. But once she got home her personality changed. She wasn't hostile or angry but she fell into a depression and in my opinion, the enormity of what she had been through caught up to her. While that was manifested in depression I think it can be manifested in anger and hostility such as what you're experiencing with your mom.

I think a catastrophic event such as breaking a hip or getting cancer changes a person. I couldn't help my mom anymore than you can probably help yours. My mom didn't want my help and her coming home after being in a rehab facility was the beginning of the end.

I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you. What I did with my mom was try everything to help her because I knew she was going downhill and I didn't want to look back on that time and wish I had done more. And I don't. I did everything I could. Do what you can for your mom but know that unless she wants to change her behavior, it won't change.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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Dementia is progressive, add in her personality and it is going to get worse.
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Reply to shad250
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I'm glad she is apparently doing well physically. That's great.

Hopefully, others with more experience with this kind of situation will chime in with insights, but my impression from this forum is that these contentious seniors who insist on staying in their home NEVER change. And now add the mild dementia. . .

I'm very sorry this is happening.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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