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We finally get mom/gramma to the ER, and one day later the oncologist, after some tests, find she has lung cancer, stage 3. We talked about doing a biopsy to confirm, but since one of two masses found, left and right lung area, it's a no go. Reason being, the left side mass is imbedded within mom's aorta they said the c.t. scan has revealed. May go ahead with radiation treatments to only they say "buy mom some extra time, because she has very little time". I am, also the family that knows, at a loss for where to go from here. We can begin with some basics, like finance (paying bills). Question is: going forward, do we need legal advice, because I can see now that dissention, anger, fear, etc. is coming fast as sadness has already. Thank you all for your guiding lights of information also. We'd love some more input upon putting things in context since this position have never made our aquaintance, if you will. Thank you.

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Go get second opinion. there are all kinds/types of lung cancer and new treatments that weren't around a few years back-depending on the type. Family member-non smoker-4 years ago stage 4 lung cancer-spreading to his brain. Receiving targeted radiation and oral chemo. Loads of fear, crying and uncertainty for sure-unavoidable. We got a second opinion to make sure we had made the right/best choice of treatment.
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Hold on! My daughter in laws mother was diagnosed with STAGE 4 Lung Cancer. That was 5 years ago and her last 3 scans show no cancer. I don’t know where you live but there are great cancer hospitals in this country. Don’t just give up!
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TouchMatters Sep 6, 2020
It sounds like every situation is potentially different - my client was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer and died less than two weeks later.
"Don't give up' needs to be weighed with the quality of life.
My client, 65, was in incredulous pain for at least 2-4 weeks.
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Atanimpass, I hope that this is a good turn for your whole family. Getting my brothers on board with hospice was certainly a blessing.
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Who has medical power of attorney and who has financial power of attorney.
Hospice has 24 hour supervision and empathy for the patient as well as the family.
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I will just say that we used hospice twice, once for my mother and once for my father. In both cases, we waited too long to take full advantage of their services which did help my mother - they washed her hair for her - and would have helped my father - I think he would have liked music as a distraction. They think of things I was too distressed and overwhelmed to think of. I was reluctant to have them dispense medication and could have refused it. They told me it was less than a surgical patient would receive and would ease their breathing. Of course, if your body is already shutting down, the medication will facilitate that. It is a very hard decision to accept that your parent isn't coming back from this.
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One more thought - while there aren't family members to provide full time care at home, are there enough assets that you could hire help, so that she could at least return home and not be stuck in the hospital?

Hospice (maybe Medicare too and Medicaid if she qualifies) can provide some equipment. If she qualifies for Medicaid, they often can cover limited hours of care (Medicare, I believe, can also help with covering some cost of outside help, if the person qualifies.) The SW at the hospital might be able to answer these questions, and perhaps help you to get the help you need. Hospice at home generally isn't a full time coverage.

If anyone can provide part-time care for her, it would reduce the amount needed to hire outside help. Just thinking she might prefer to be in her own home, with family, than stuck in a hospital.
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Please don't push radiation unless she strongly wants it. Even if it gives her a few more days, they won't be happy ones.
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Kerryb Sep 2, 2020
I agree Radiation will make her weak, it will suck the life right out if her. I would never ever allow this to happen to my mom. We were told that my aunt who I was her caregiver had lung cancer, never once did we ask what stage we would not put her through chemo or radiation. She wasn't in pain so we let God make the decision when her time was up.
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So sad to hear not only the bad news for your mother, but that family has to make things worse by not working together.

I've not had experience with hospice, but being on this forum, I've read about the experiences of others. Like any business, and even employees within the business, these can vary widely. My understanding is that if you are not having a good experience/relationship with one selected, you can terminate them and switch to another. Try the one sent to you privately (if you don't know how to access that, ask!)

Given she has dementia as well as the lung cancer, forgoing treatment might be the best path. As much as we don't want to give up on our LOs, we also don't want to see them suffer. My mother just turned 97 and is past halfway through year 4 in MC. The only treated condition she has, besides the dementia, is high BP, which she's had for a very long time (has taken medication for years.) While I'm doing everything I can to manage her affairs and see to her needs in MC, if she were to get a terminal Dx I would'nt want to put her through any extraordinary measures. She did request DNR during the first round of EC atty documents and specified what she would and wouldn't want for treatment too. She's had UTIs in MC, but those are easily treated and treatment is'nt invasive. She had knee pain about 2 years ago (knew, and said many times, she should've had knee replacement done.) Rather than continue with large doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, as suggested by her doc at the time, I took her to orthopedic. They did xrays and confirmed that she should've had it done. He said if she were 20 years younger, we'd be talking surgery. There was no way, even if he suggested it, that I'd put her through that, given her age and condition. What I requested he did - injection in the knee to help reduce any pain. So far, it hasn't come back.

As to finances, whether she can sign any documents is highly dependent on her dementia status. Mom was deemed capable by our EC atty although she was in the early stages. He was used before, to set up everything for mom when dad wasn't well, so we knew and trusted him. He chatted with her alone and was satisfied she could sign. If your mother has assets AND can be determined competent enough to sign documents, you should try to pursue that. IF she is willing to do this, I would include at least one other family member to witness the decisions and signing. Select from those who are most opposed - it might ward off any contention later that she was coerced or incompetent.

Signing over the house to a trust or those she'd want to have it would be good. Getting access to her account so that you can process any bills/payments she needs to make would be good too. The bank may insist you use their forms, but obviously she can't go to the bank! I had no problem with ours when using the POA to assume control of mom's finances (YB and I were also on her primary acct, which likely helped - I brought her with me, but she said nothing and just rifled through her purse and wallet, at both banks!) A good EC atty, if you can afford one (with her assets hopefully) can usually push the bank to work with you.

Technically in order to use her SS funds to make payments, you should sign up as Rep Payee (their rules!) However, that process can take some time, first to get appt to file and then waiting for it to complete review. I wouldn't stress over that at this time.

If no atty considers her competent, guardianship is the next step, but it's often expensive and time-consuming - sometimes they can process it as emergency, given the situation, but at least start with getting atty to work with you and her. It's much easier and quicker to honor her wishes if it's managed before. Certainly it can be done via probate, but that takes time, and with some contention within the family, it could get dragged out longer!

All the best to you, your mom and family in this difficult time. :-(
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
Thank you so much 🥰. We certainly are better now understanding the process of getting things done by others rules, statutes etc. B well.
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I am so sorry for your mother's diagnosis. I offer you many prayers.
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
Back at 'cha47. Prayers fulfilled in your life and loved ones... Thank you!
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So sorry your mom and her loved ones are going through this. But, we all know when our candle gets to the bottom, we don't know long it will take for it to go out. At this stage and your description, I would opt for hospice now. Which one. There are like zillions, exaggerated, yeah. But Hospice of the Valley is supposed to be a really good, compassionate one. My husband fell in AL, cracked the bone just under his eye and the emergency doc asked if I wanted to have surgery to fix it. He left it that a plastic surgeon would talk with me. After 5 days in the hospital, giving him diabetic food which he couldn't eat due to chronic IBS, the plastic surgeon visited me. He right away asked me if I really wanted my husband to have this type surgery. I didn't even think. We all knew he was on his last since he had 3 falls within a few weeks. The doctor highly stated, don't do it. The AL arranged for hospice at the AL, took him there, they set up a different bed, and other safety measures. Explained that he would have a caregiver with him at all times. Gave me all the information that I needed to know. Sadly, while they were fixing his room for his safety, he had a stroke, and another a few minutes later, and passed before he could get anymore hospice care. They notified Neptune Society for me and arranged for transfer to a funeral home of Neptune's choice.
I had a neighbor whose mother kept falling, had stroke, heart problems, and she had hospice in her home for 5 years. A daughter was full time caregiver, but hospice was there every day till she had to be hospitalized due to a stroke.
You are bettr off getting hospice now and be sure all the papers are executed in case she gets worse. There is nothing worse than watching your loved one struggle with eating (mine refused all food the last month), or do anything other than lay there. Consider hospice as soon as you can-for everyone's sake, not just yours or your loved one's. Your loved one will be comforted by very nice people.
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
We'll do. Info given from nobodygetsit have family going in direction to solution etc.. Thanks so much. B well ok? atanimpass
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"antanimpass06," -

Just in case you didn't see my answer to your question underneath my original post, I sent you a private message with all the information you requested - names, phone number etc. along with their background. I've already called them as well this morning letting them know about your situation and that you might be calling them. Just remember, there's no harm in just seeing what they have to say. I hope all goes well!
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
Got it. Hi. Thank you, you're the angel among many. Did anyone say, "next step please!". God bless ya.... Atanimpass👏
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I want to word my response carefully here: Hospice may not have overdosed your brother, their purpose is to alleviate pain and ease breathing and allow their patient to pass away unburdened by those things. That usually takes higher doses of medicine than a doctor would prescribe. That’s the entire reason doctors refer patients to Hospice - they can’t ease the patient through death.

My birth father had Alzheimer’s, then suffered a massive stroke that left him brain dead but very much alive. Hospice helped him pass within two days, when he may have stayed there, in that condition for months or even years.

Since your Mother has terminal cancer, and the aorta is involved, she cannot survive, I’m sorry to say. You’re time left with her may be very very short. Hospice may be a blessing to her. It would save her unnecessary pain and breathing difficulties, and a possible painful demise.

I hope I have explained the purpose of Hospice a bit better. I’m sorry that this terrible situation has happened to your family. I wish you the strength and courage to help your Mom and your entire family to the end of her road, and the recovery that comes after.
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atanimpass06 Sep 2, 2020
Thank you all for commenting thus far. Although I never said she/Mom,Gramma was diag. with dementia, which could be somewhere along there I'll admit. The bitter pill we endured with hospice OV, was very tough upon mom for sure. Currently the Oncologist has highly recommended them also, as they do what they do in partnership together. This is fine with us, for them. As for us, other options weren't, still has never been availed to mom nor fam., save to say chemo & radiation if only we'd give the green light for biopsy, which now has been taken off the table. One reason was, they got yelled at by Mom the other day, I partly, as common sense says, know a reason for it. They woke her/mom up, with that mowmow talk in the morning which anyone I know even I dislike. My niece was there when the nurse came in, for bp check, temp check, breakfast offer, commmenced to roll mom to her unparalyzed side for bp check, all in one sequence. I have gotten the business from my mom for just a part of that while she was here at her home. Thus, what do you do for a crying, upset child or baby who's sick aren't feeling well etc? Dunno, but I at least wouldn't use those responses as part of the reason she isn't cognitive enough for a decision in her own health concerns going forward.
Are they nurses or wha? the ole' saying goes 'man or a mouse'. Not to be critical, as in this case, no finesse, care response etc niece said quietly, etc. I assume it's "no icecream for you kid, if ya wanna act like that!" mentality.
So, we come to HOV care and for comfort. Fine, she/Mom goes there, takes the same books to that class, what'll they do? Also, family is concerned about mom and all of her health issues, as families do, going on the ride with her to hospice, wholly unaddressed. Do they massage her, read at night to her, bring in family counselor for a group meeting once a week, help her to stay cognitive etc before the lung cancer have its way? Never did this with brother at all. By the way, his pain was never about any cancer, it was an auto accident early in 2016 that lingered as he had a legal battle ongoing same year. Lastly, the claim of phentynal/morphine doses hour on hour till one Odose, then revived him just to do it again at another HOV three blocks away, totally not justified, don't see it. Because if I have a terminal illness pain free as with even Mom/Gramma does now as the Dr. and staff tells us, then by all means care and comfort then, w/o the doggone dope such as those they never asked for. We trust hospice very very little at best. Let the person pass on thru here, if dope is needed then Kiley down or up the street may suffice. Kavorkian couldn't do it, even with pts. ok to him. Hospice sad to say is no diff.
Thank God, which many aren't ashamed to say, has us clumping together now, in order to benefit Mom/Grandma etc back to her home, for some icecream plus cake. She deserves it, ya think? God bless all. Any input is certainly welcomed. Firm and direct is no problem. Take care...
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Radiation can also shrink masses that may cause pain or discomfort, so leave that option on the table if she wants to do it. It may not eradicate the disease, rather a comfort option.

Does she have a will? If not, is she the type of person who would want to have this conversation right now after learning she has cancer - would she think you all have thrown in the towel while her mind is still set on getting well? If the conversation would just add to her fear and anxiety, leave it alone. Probate can sort things out later according to the rules in your state. I would suggest that you talk to her to determine what her wishes are at this point and see if she wants someone to carry the medical wishes out by having her designate a person to do that. Then get the paperwork done. Many people are agreeable when you put it to them as - what if you couldn't tell the doctor that you want this procedure or that one, who would you want to speak for you.
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My prayers to all. My thoughts; Take care of all legal issues; POA,Will, Right to Die, everything. Then, thank the Lord for all the time you've had her, & for the time he's given now. Have Hospice in place, & take her home. As a family, & one on one, share time with her. Make a point to tell her how much she's loved, how thankful ya'll are to have shared a lifetime together. The Lord has generously given a few extra days - make the most of them. Have no guilt, no regrets, about letting her go home when her journey ends - she's lived life her way, made her own choices - and she chose to spend her life with her loved ones. She has also chosen to share her last days with all of you. Be Thankful. Ya'll are beyond blessed to have this time. Sara
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
Very well put, and so true. Though am I, we, to understand the hospice option there's no more addressing other issues for the most part? And Jazzy, Mom said even around age 60, "sixty years? I'll take it". She'll be fine passing over I realize, though uplifting other fam. members is a task I need to also be grateful for. For it's not a job to love, be loving/helpful,/working, etc., that's who I, we, are....SERVAnts for the life given us. God's blessings to you and of course, yours!!😍
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Do estate planning, Will, DPOA and pre-arranged funeral or cremation. share bank account so when she passes it will not have to go through probate. Radiation treatments can cause skin irritation and make her feel sick. Ask for hospice. Focus on comfort. But dying and death is sadly a business too and you have to get her affairs in order.

Absolutely do a pre-arranged funeral or cremation because funeral homes will gouge you while you are grieving -- with pre-arranged funeral/cremation you are in better control and also have discounts.
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
cetude, top of the line info, if you will. Grateful to ya for this and all you do on purpose for self and for others. We, as a family, do appreciate Ya!! Take care! Blessings! 2 u & yours...
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If mom/gramma is still mentally competent, please have an attorney visit her bedside. She needs POAs for her financial and medical affairs, a will with a designated executor, and probably a "do not resuscitate" order placed in her charts. Rather than radiation, please consider palliative care through hospice. Hospice care can be arranged for in the home so family can visit her in her last days.
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atanimpass06 Sep 3, 2020
Thanx taarna. Understood! Got 'cha. Peace and blessings, always to/for ya!...
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Just something to consider here—what is your moms quality of life now? If it’s not good, why would you consider radiation to maybe buy her a little more time? Radiation won’t improve her quality of life. With dementia and stage 3 lung cancer, focus should be on giving her the best quality of life possible.
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So sorry you are having to make these difficult decisions.

Me, not big on Chemo if not guaranteed to cure. Lost an Aunt at 80 to lung cancer. I really think she did the first bout of Chemo for my Mom. She refused the second bout. My sister died from an aggressive breast cancer. She was on chemo 8 months, only to pass about 4 months later because the cancer had spread to her brain. Would she have lived just as long if she hadn't done Chemo?

Chemo does a number on our bodies. It effects the heart. You have no immunity. You are sick and throwing up. Personally, I would not put someone suffering from Dementia through this. They will not understand what is going on.

Sorry that Hospice didn't seem to work for a family member but this is how I look at it. The person on Hospice will eventually pass. Morphine is given to elevate pain and ease breathing. A person on Hospice should not experience pain. Its suppose to keep the person comfortable so they can pass comfortably. Overdose or not, the person passed peacefully. You have to look at the quality of life.
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You should do what your mom wants.

I know I would want to be in my own bed and die at home.

Have her put on Hospice Care where she will be kept as comfortable as possible.

They will send a Nurse to the home, she'll get meds to help relieve her pain and an Aide to come 2-3 times a week to give her a bath.

All of the above, her Insurance will pay for.

Of course, depending on her condition, she'll need someone to come by and check on her daily to someone being with her 24 7, dividing up the time amoung family and friends or paying for a Caregiver to be with her a couple hrs or more a day.

My sister died of Cancer 7 yrs ago and I had her living with me the last 3 months and tho it was sad and hard, I would do it all over again.

My 96 yr old Dad is still in his own home where he wants to be and I have Caregivers 24 7 for him which is expensive but Dad has money to pay for at least 3 yrs and after that I'll hire a Live In to care for him, which will be less than half the price.

Prayers.
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Atanimpass, I'm so sorry to learn of this diagnosis, as well as for the sadness you and your family experience.   You have my deepest sympathy; I can read the sadness in your posts.    I hope your family are able to support each other during this stressful time.


Just some comments on your post, and my experience that might offer some insights:

1.   Radiation as stated is hard on a patient, especially one who's older and is already in Stage 3.   With dementia, radiation will be brutal.   She won't understand it and think she's being tortured.  

That's what my sister looked like after every radiation treatment.  It was emotionally painful beyond description, for both of us.  In the long run, it didn't do any good; she died anyway and the last several weeks of her life were nothing that I'd ever want to see someone else endure.   And she was still fighting to live.

So I'd opt out of the radiation and focus more on the end of life comfort.

2.    Are there any religious hospice organizations in your area?   I'm not at all a religious person, but I found that they're far better and more stringent in compliance than any of the several hospices I called when I was selecting one.

Some asked personal questions which I learned when interviewing with the Catholic hospice (first for rehab, but Dad segued quickly into hospice) should NOT have been asked.   The nonreligious ones, including ones recommended by a good home care agency were pushy and demanding wanting to get us signed up quickly.  I really resented that.  There was no compassion at all.

3.    The rehab then hospice facility we chose had very compassionate staff.  As Dad grew closer to the end, the DON arranged for a pot of coffee, pitcher of water, and snacks to be brought to the room when I stayed with him.  One of the chaplains also brought food; another found a tv channel with soothing music. 

I was very, very impressed.
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I'm not entirely clear on the legal issues.   Are you asking for assistance on that aspect as well?   If, so:

4.   Whether or not your Mom needs a will depends on what assets she has to convey, and whether or not they're jointly titled with the heirs.   If everything she has is jointly titled, with rights to the survivor(s), assets will pass directly w/o the necessity of probate.

5.    If she has no transferable assets, she won't need a will. 

6.    If she has assets but isn't able to create a will now, she would be passing "intestate", subject to the intestacy laws of the state in which she resides.   These are statutorily prescribed levels and orders of succession.

As to legal advice, it would depend on the answers to question 3 - 6.    And as to taking over care, you mention paying bills.   Would your family be able to agree on someone to handle this?    As asked above, are her accounts held jointly with another family member who could assume this task now? 

Does Mom have a home?   Where is she living now and where will she stay?   Are there enough family members in the area to provide 24/7 support at her home, or one of the family member's homes?   In terms of meals, is she able to eat anything?   Her desire to do so will begin to wane as time progresses.

You mentioned that dissension, anger and fear are coming fast.    Is this over treatment options, how to get acceptable hospice treatment, asset management?
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atanimpass06 Aug 30, 2020
GardenArtist, thank you so much for the information, very detailed. The subject of dessension, fear, comes from the oldest brother, who is sort of in denial and yet haven't talked to the Oncological team head. Today he says when talking to Mom, she was coherent, alert, abreast of her diagnosis, even other health issues for years she has been experiencing. I told him that cancer patients, like our brother years ago, was coherent too, as well as other persons who has been given a cancer stage 3 or 4. I went on to say that the cancer is the elephant in the room sort a speak, that despite helping Mom with the surrounding issues she has , this cancer will drive its own course 'till she/mom passes on from life. He's distraught, as anyone is. There are no one to do 24/7 care, not enough bodies. The financial we shall continue with, so yes there. A lawyer or such hasn't been addressed as all are not on board that she is not capable of making decisions herself, that her eating, drinking fluids now, etc somehow cancer diagnosis will be corralled and/or dealt with. Their perception of Grandma/mom is getting stronger as the night nurse tells them of mom's progress and so forth. So, do cancer patients exhibit these coming to focus, feeling better somewhat, but still lose the battle from the cancer eventually? Brother and two more of fam. thinks highly of this? thanx
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Dear "atanimpass06,"

I'm so sorry that your family is going through the devastation of mom/gramma's diagnosis. That alone is hard enough but, to deal with dissension, anger, fear and more on top of it only makes it that much more difficult.

I can't imagine her having to go through radiation treatments for what could just be a couple weeks or months. When my husband's father was diagnosed with cancer, he was only in his 40's. He was a big, strong man but let me tell you my husband, who was 16 had to drive him to a hospital two hours away for his chemotherapy and he would always get extremely sick in the car after each treatment.

In my own case when my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in 2004 at the age of 82 even though surprisingly he told the Oncologist he would try the chemotherapy, it would have only kept him alive for a very short time. I knew my dad well - I just couldn't see him being able to handle it. We had a long talk and I told him I didn't want to see him suffer and that I would like to have hospice come to our home (my parent's home where I grew up) and have them do an assessment. He trusted my judgement and that was the route we took. He remained home until he passed away three weeks later. They took such good care of him. It was my first death of a loved one and to this day, I have never been more grateful and thankful for God's mercy. Honestly, it was meant to be - I never heard of hospice before and while I was desperately trying to figure out what to do I heard a radio commercial for a hospice company. I called right away to have them send me their information packet and everything fell into place from there. The strange thing was I never heard that commercial again until many years after my father had passed away and I had listened to the same station, at the same time everyday.

May God give His strength, wisdom and mercy upon mom/gramma, you and your whole family in the days ahead.

P.S. I just read your reply to someone who commented. I think we live in the same city and I just got a great hospice company for my mom now. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a previous one here.
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atanimpass06 Sep 1, 2020
Hi. What is the name of the hospice company you are referring to? Thank you! atanimpas
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Ask the onchologist how long it takes th shrink. I suspect it takes a long time in months but the aorta involvement is concerning. It may be better for hospice but if she is of sound mind, it is she that needs to make the decision. If she needs a will, then yes get a lawyer. Do it ASAP, especially if she chooses radiation since the side effect may make her very sleepy. Only down side is that a quick will may still have some unforseen surprises because she usually needs time to look at any assets including if a home is owned by more than 1, or if a beneficiery is attached to funds. If she has no assets, then no will is needed.

Do not worry about bills, insurance covers a lot. You say she has very little time, once she passes, nothing will be able to be collected.
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 29, 2020
Yes they can collect against her assets, even after she dies.
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Start by asking about Hospice care. It sounds as though there is no "treating" her cancer, only making her more confortable.

Where is the disension coming from? Are there family members who want a second opinion? It's probably pretty easy to have her CAT scans sent to another hospital, but given the advanced state of your poor mom's dementia, I m not sure I see the point. Cancer treatment is brutal; do you see the point in subjecting her to more suffering?

Im pretty sure that hispice is the correct answer in this situation. You want her to be in no pain and free from anxiety and agitation.

(((((Hugs))))))
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atanimpass06 Aug 29, 2020
So many beautiful comments here, hardly know where to begin. The 'hospice' road has us pausing because of how, at least here in our city, they had handled our middle brother's, mom's son, so-called care just under four years ago. He passed away after they had overdosed him with phytenal/morphine combo, twice in four days. We'd never seen any foot nor back rubs, conversations longer than a few minutes or so. Those were only in reference to his meal selection or to see how well the medication was helping him, that's it! And still to this day, hospice has never once reached out to Mom/Grandma to offer any condolences nor to us. The way it happened was ruthless, second OD, then discharged him here to mom's home 'round 3am in the morning, having succumed to yet another dose of their dope per se. He never complained of any cancer pain, his complaining of pain was from an head-on accident early 2016 in January. Lastly, in less than 48hrs. later, here's a truck in front of the home(mom's) here, the driver requesting hospices bed, commode, wheelchair, and cane, of which I kept. I'd almost lost it, but through faith strength, I and the driver got an understanding that he was only doing his job, makes sense. Family, as I am, are hesitant with them, to say the least. Having said all of that, I have forgiving them, and self, for my response etc..actions around even Mom.
Ok, the social worker option I, we can begin with for sure. It is in Mom's best interest first and foremost, and not so much ours. Except she/mom isn't cognitively aware of even her lung cancer diag. let alone can make any decision's to fanancial/medical issues. Wouldn't be fair to her either, I feel, to bombard her, along with as someone commented about going thru radiation/chemo subjugation or process. Makes sense. I will soundly firmly handle any rift within the family ranks, as I am going through medical issues myself, to meet with the social worker Monday, to have a better perspective in regards to Mom/grandma, as I or life's God had me step forward for our loved one, army veteran bravo Co. cadet, etc... 'bout four years ago. We though as a family unit, the one's here, are and shall be eternally grateful to all of the input/advice/recommendations etc. you all have made through this, I stumbled upon, site for forum time. Shall not subject Mom to anymore pain or sickness through chemo or radiation neither as was suggested from the oncologist, no way. Shall keep all of you commentors, 'natural avocates for truth and love', I'll say, in our prayers and may have, of course I shall, input to help to guide someone else which may be going through similar situations, directly or indirectly. And, the hospice option is not, for me, off per se, the table in no way. I today can say I have no room for hate or anger, which made me very sick in 2017, for anyone who may be harboring that stinkyness I call it, but I am human and still perplexed to a degree, as to what were they thinking when the obvious was so very obvious. And with that, May the God of all life, however presented or accepted to one, be there up front in any of life's roadways ahead for all of you and all of life that's helpful and never hurtful. Peace.
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I am so sorry for your family.

Unfortunately things will happen within the family as they have always happened.

May God grant you all strength and wisdom during this difficult time.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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atanimpass06 Aug 29, 2020
Thank you. As well as you & yours!
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First, has your mother been living with you or you with her? If you have been living with her, you will need to keep the possibility of needing to find new living arrangements in mind.

Your profile says Mum has dementia, so if her paperwork, Will/POA documents are not in order, that ship may have sailed. If Mum does not have a Will, you need to find out what happens when someone dies intestate in your Province/State.

Talk to the social worker at the hospital about what services are available to your family.

In your post you say no discharge from the hospital. Do you mean to home, but perhaps to a nursing home, or she will stay in the hospital?

Talk to the doctor about Palliative Care, ask lots of questions and take notes.

Has Mum discussed in the past what she wants for a funeral? Covid-10 has changed how we mourn, but there should be some way to include her wishes and or cultural practices.

You are worried that your family is going to break, do you have a trusted advisor to whom you can speak? There are a great many posts on this site from people whose families have broken over caregiving and the death of a family member. It is a sad situation.

My step father died 6 weeks after getting a cancer diagnosis 2 years ago. He has been diagnosed with dementia a couple years before. For him it was a blessing in disguise. He stayed in the hospital, a couple times he was scheduled for discharge, but the doctor realized that there was no way Mum could manage him at home. He had 24/7 professional care, family had unlimited access to him (before Covid-19), and Mum was able to catch bits of her life at home.

It was not easy for the family to have him go from being healthy other than the dementia, to being deathly ill. But during those weeks, his daughter was able to visit several times. Mum was able to get support from the Minister, Hospice, family and friends. Even the lawyer who prepared David's documents was an incredible help and a true friend to Mum, helping her enact the POA documents, deal with banks that did not want to accept them, and after death he helped to settle the estate.
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AlvaDeer Aug 29, 2020
I think if there is no POA the Social Worker may be able to get emergency guardianship in place BUT that will require the agreement of the family of just who is best suited to do this.
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Does Mom/Grandma have dementia, or is she mentally capable of making decisions with you? About both financial and medical care, almost all answers depend upon this answer, as to moving forward. If she is currently hospitalized contact the Social Worker at once. She or he is going now to be an excellent guide for you, and you may only have access during hospitalization.
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atanimpass06 Aug 29, 2020
Yes, AlvaDeer, no question she isn't, I am sorry to say, capable at this point I can see, or the Drs. She/Mom is in and out speaking minor clarity but mostly incoherent at best. So, I nor the family, or you I believe would settle on an unconfirmed half answer either. Thanx, as usual. You're a blessing, that does not ever disquise self. Thanx!
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