My Mom's a smoker and lives with my sister. She was caught smoking in the house. Sis does not know how to stop this behavior. Advice?

Not knowing a thing about your mom I would say that your sister give her an ultimatum: either the smoking goes or she does. Smoking outside is fine, away from the house. But the next time mother smokes inside she needs to arrange for a new place to live. Mother is a guest in sister's home and needs to respect your sister's wishes. And asking mother to smoke outside isn't an unreasonable request.

P.S. And sister needs to be ready to take action if mother smokes inside again. Otherwise it's just an empty threat and mother will continue to take advantage of your sister.

Where is she getting the cigarettes? "Stop the supply" would be my first suggestion. Get her a stop-smoking patch system from her doctor would be another. Every time you catch her smoking, take her pack. That'll make every cigarette she smokes cost about $7.00. That's be enough for ME to give it up. Buy a powerful commercial smoke eater out of mom's money would be another.

If your sis tries these things, tries talking to her about what she's risking by smoking in her home -- up to and including her having to leave -- then she's done all she can do. Then it's up to sis to decide if she wants her gone.

Why is mom living there? Even her hair and clothes are going to smell of smoke.

I think it is too late, now. Mom is there and is going to do what she wants to do. But, assisted living, etc. isn't going to allow her to smoke, either.

I am always amazed that some smokers believe if you hide behind a door that no one will know you are smoking :P

I heard tobacco smoking is a very powerful addiction which is difficult to quit, especially for women. If you take away the cigarettes, you will need to find something to substitute.

People who smoke claim it makes them feel calmer, which is correct, but the calming doesn't come from the tobacco itself, one can also get that same deep breathing in and exhaling using a short soda straw. Exercise can give the same calmness, too. If mom is mobile, get her walking. The more walking she does, the better she will feel and hopefully give up smoking.

Thanks for your replies. They were all so helpful.
She turned 78 today and is in fair to poor health. She is currently having trouble with mobility so I think she was sneaking a smoke in the bathroom because she didn't want to walk outside.
My sister built a house with a separate but connected space for my mom and my mom has a buy in on it. Putting up leaving is not really an option as a boundry.
My mom still drives and gets her own cigarettes.
It has been determined that she won't stop smoking even though she is on Co2 and had COPD.
It is just a sticky situation. We are pretty new at this as she has only been there a few months. I
I have asked my sister to join in on the convo!

In light of your update, I would insist she buy a commercial grade smoke eater and let her smoke in her space.

Link: air-quality-eng/tobacco.php?gclid=Cj0KEQjwm6CgBRC0zOmrydrqmosBEiQA_xoLRmbI4ua-fg6FA8b_5bymVpJwRBiXgNB2Xj2RiEpm-MsaAsSE8P8HAQ

At mom's age the damage is done, no sense quitting, other that the potentially explosive situation with the oxygen......which is huge!
Your sister certainly has the right to a smoke free environment, but if mom bought into the home addition, she has the right to poor judgement.
Can you guilt her into going outdoors and away from the Oxygen?
She may still drive, but that may not be for long, if she is too weak to go outdoors, she may get too weak to get into her car.
May sure you deny the very first request she makes for you to buy her cigs.

On C02 and smoking??? I am sure both you and your sister know how very hazardous that can be.

How about getting those large "DANGER, NO SMOKING, OXGYEN IN USE" signs and put them around the house. If Mom asks why, tell her the horrors of using C02 while smoking.... and the dangers of smoking within minutes of turning off the C02, as extra oxygen will be in her hair, around her mouth and on her clothing.

Did your sister's homeowner's insurance go up since Mom moved in? Some companies want you to notify them when a smoker moves in because that is an added fire risk. Have Mom pay the added premium.

These are great, ya'll! Thanks so much. My sister is reading these so she is getting the information.
We did know that Co2 and smoking is not only stupid but dangerous however she is only sleeping with it on right now even though we believe that she needs it around the clock.
Not sure about the home insurance...but good point.

I am the Sis mentioned above. Before we made the final call on building the house to accommodate mom, she, my husband, and myself sat down and discussed several issues. The main one was her smoking. She agreed to quit and tried the first two weeks but felt it was too hard. I conceded that maybe I needed to accept she would not quit but asked her at a minimum to stay outside. My husband and I are trying very hard to give her some leeway by sitting right outside the door or in the garage but catching her in the house really pushed my buttons. Not to mention she leaves cig butts around the yard and her little smoking chair is piled up with butts.

Also while I am letting it out....I grew up with both parents smoking a pack a day in the house my whole life. I more than HATE the smell of smoke even a passing whiff. It makes my stomach turn!

I can not threaten to kick her out but I struggle with how to keep that horrible smell out of my house. In addition, I have a 7 year old who is struggling with the whole smoking concept too. Smoking is bad by Grandmommy smokes a pack a day.

There are a couple of companies that make smoke alarms for cigarette smoking. Install one in the bathroom [as long as the steam from the shower doesn't set it off]... try it out before installing.

So here is another question for you all...how should the sister address this with the mom?
Have you ever had an experience with a tough situation like this? She is so defensive about the subject and I am sure she is really struggling that she was caught (or that she did it???)... My sister has tried many times to talk with her as we used to do but my mom is either forgetting, not caring, or not understanding (or only understanding what she wants to).

There's no way I'd let mom smoke unsupervised with oxygen being administered. It MUST-MUST-MUST be removed from her nose when she is smoking. To do otherwise is to risk third-degree burns on her head, neck and face. This is no joke.

Changes the whole ballgame. The next time your sister catches her with a cigarette, call the coppers. They'll put the fear of God in her. They may even haul her away since she's endangering the whole house.

both my folks smoke in the house, and we knew this would not change when they moved in. we smoke too, but kept window open, etc, only smoke in kitchen. I had to buy a big air cleaner, and it is some help. We try not to consider our folks our guests, but members of the family, and this has helped keep the peace.

Jules, good for you for coming on line. I see now that she only gets oxygen at night. Phew!!!

Note: your garage will positively REEK from cigarette smoke. I guess you have to weigh what a hard stance is going to cost you in terms of your relationship with mom and whether or not you're willing to go to war over it. Weigh that. It's a decision only you can make. Seems like you've been making all the concessions, though....? You might point that out to her.

In the end? I'd rather she be smoking "in the open" than hiding in a closet. Too much danger of fire. As your mom begins a descent into dementia (which, if she lives long enough, no doubt she will) this problem will get worse.

"The Patch" -- demand she give it a try. Hard to believe she'd be needing oxygen and smoking. Tough addiction.

e cig is an idea too.. maybe not safer for her lungs, but safer for the house and the rest of you! She is not going to change at this point. Dad had stopped smoking a year before Mom got sick, started again when they were here. This past week he has not smoked at all.

A recent study of e-cigs found e-cigarette second hand smoke contains chromium - a toxic element that is not present in traditional cigarettes - and nickel at levels four times higher than normal cigarettes.

Plus there has been fire risks regarding recharging the e-cigs, batteries exploding, etc.

I would try the nicotine gum first.

Oh you are LIVING my nightmare! I feel your pain. My mom lives with me. She's 76 years old and has been smoking since she was 14 along with my dad who died of bladder cancer…..FROM smoking.

Anyway, I let her smoke outside. You really can't prevent them from quitting and if you do, they. will. be. miserable. With that being said, my solution was --- I brought her into a smoke shop that sells e-cigs. She LOVES IT! It's rechargeable and it does not smell one bit. I am very sensitive to smoke and I can't have any of it around me - even the smell will trigger an asthma attack.

Get her an e-cig. It's really really hard to quit smoking especially when you're older and you're thinking and thinking and stressed out to the max due to whatever problem she may be facing. Most elderly people don't want to quit anyway - they've been smoking for this long, so . . .

I tried to stop my sister (who is her supplier) from bringing her a pack of cigarettes here and there. But it doesn't work. They go into a deeper depression. I wouldn't be mean to her about it - like making her pay an added premium as stated above. (Maybe it wasn't intended to be mean.) Our moms have a huge addiction. We have to get creative and look for positive solutions. The e-cigs are not dangerous. The tar is what makes this so dangerous. It's a vapor that has nicotine in it. Cigarettes have the tar and added chemicals that are cancerous.

E-cigs. They have all different flavors and blends.

Good luck!

need more information-please contact me privately if you wish.

I think the Maggie is right about the cigarette supply. If she can drive and get her own, then she can live somewhere else. Even if she put up the money to build on the guest quarters, she breached the contract when she smoked in the house. Take away the car and ban all cigarettes from the property - otherwise, ban her. Pay back the money she put into the guest quarters by renting it out to a non smoker.

Try to get your mom to switch to electronic cigarettes. My entire family (except for me) are smokers. They have all switched to the e-cigs. E-cigs give thenicotine without all the other bad stuff. E-cigs emit a water vapor. There is no smell at all. Now family gatherings are smoke free! Plus improved health is another side effect of e-cigs over regular cigarettes. My Brother-in-law has congestive heart failure. His cardiologist is thrilled with the improvement in his heart since he switched to e-cigs. They come in different flavors also. Your mom can try a couple different flavors to see which one she likes the best. I have found coupons for e-cigs on Groupon.

The jury is still out regarding health risk to those who use e-cigs and those who are around the vapor. But remember, the jury was out regarding cigarettes back prior to he 1960's... people thought tobacco cigarettes were harmless.

Stopping smoking will not reverse any major health issues... all stopping will do is stop the issues from getting worse.

I had the same problem with my father, when he was alive. Both parents have been smokers since they were teenagers and now in their eighties, I'd say it's nigh impossible to quit. I am an ex-smoker myself and know how addictive it is. We had my father as a houseguest for what was supposed to be a 2 week visit. I asked him to smoke outside on the porch and he agreed, at least initially. I woke up one morning and smelled the smoke! He was smoking at the table in the dining room! We reiterated the rule; he ignored it, sometimes right in our face and other times when we were at work. He ignored other rules, too, such as not giving my dog a whole box of treats in one day. (That's what he did with his dog.) Oh, and he used oxygen too. Claims he turns it off before smoking. Really scary.

Well, he lasted at our home one week. We took him back early; wouldn't obey the house rules. It was a shame, because that was to be a sort of dry run to see if he could stay with us. But now I know he would have promised anything and then done exactly as he wished. Having grown up with 2 heavy smokers, I know now that everything in the house stunk and both my sister and I must have reeked in school!

The best thing anyone can do is quit while you are in your home. When he had to go to an ALF, they of course, did not allow smoking. Was caught; I was called; had to go in and "talk with him", like a kid in school. Also, the staff does not have the time to take the person outside to smoke several times a day, and if it's cold outside, they won't.

Just to say one more thing--I know state and federal government love so-called "sin taxes". The cost of cigarettes is prohibitive because of this. All well and good, I suppose, but remember that many seniors (including my parents), will buy cigarettes ahead of food and medicine. The tax is meant to make it too expensive, but they will buy them anyway because they are addicted. It's worse than heroin.

What has worked a bit for may parents, was the nicotine patch. This at least took the edge off. It's a difficult situation.

But you can't really make someone quit. You can deny them cigarettes, of course, but then they are miserable.

Good luck and God bless you.

"she won't stop smoking even though she is on Co2 and had COPD"
She's not on CO2, though that would solve the problem pretty quick, make her pass out & maybe die.
CO would be even faster, and she's doing that to herself little by little by smoking.
She's on oxygen (O2)... which, if she sets it on fire, would also solve the problem but would be a very painful way to die, with massive burns.

"A recent study of e-cigs found e-cigarette second hand smoke contains chromium - a toxic element that is not present in traditional cigarettes - and nickel at levels four times higher than normal cigarettes"
If she's outside (really outside, not just in front of a window or door or the garage) this wouldn't be a problem. (And yes, there are many nasty chemicals in the vapor too, they're just a bit different from burning tobacco.)
I'd say get her an e-cig and tell her she can only use it on the sidewalk in front of the house, or out there in the gazebo, someplace well away from the house.
NEVER allow that or real smoking in or near the house. You'll have to be very firm on that.
Also, make her clean up after herself, scrub the area to remove smoke residue, perhaps have her buy an air purifier for the house to combat the stench on her & her clothing.
Nicotine patches & gum are a good clean option.

And yes, once she can't drive do not become her supplier.
If she smokes near or in the house, take them away, dunk the whole pack in the sink or douse it with pesticide or insecticide.
See what the added cost in insurance is, and she should pay that. She will probably eventually fall asleep in bed with a forgotten cigarette & kill not only herself, but burn the house.

I look back to see what I could have done different in encouraging my mother to stop smoking, and that would be to reinforce my love for her with more hugs, and divert her reason for smoking. My mother was addicted till the day she died. It was hard to hug her, because she smelled of smoke and most of the time she was complaining about a family member. Mom had plenty of money, and it was hard to find a reason to deter her smoking to save for a trip, or new car.
If it is a financial burden, then divert their attention to something they have always wanted, but could not afford that was attainable. If they gradually reduce the amount they smoke, then encourage them to put that money into a jar labeled the item they want to buy/do. Put a photo of the item/trip on the refrigerator or near a traveled area in the home. Talk about the item or trip on a regular basis to remind her to keep saving toward her goal. Later put a date to have X amount of money saved, so to attain her goal within a specified time. You may also want to be a part of this to encourage her, and give her a reason to gradually quit smoking. Diversion is better than arguing, since adults are their own boss.

I had the same issue with my dad when he resided with me. One method I chose with him in an effort to stop the behavior was to not allow him to smoke at all. I communicated to him that if he could not respect my wishes around his smoking that he would not be allowed to smoke at all. I would not purchase cigarettes any longer, and if I could not control the behavior that way then I would be forced to admit him to a nursing facility.