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My mom and I are both on social security. We both live by ourselves. up until recently things were fine but now she wants me to move in with her so we can share expenses. I love my mother but she is VERY controlling and the thought of living with her drives me crazy.I am 40 years old but she treats me like I am 4. She thinks I have no friends even though I do. She still "helps" me pay my bills. I told her I don't want to live with her and why and yet she is stiI trying to manipulate me into doing it. I love my mother but the thought of living with her makes me cringe. I lived with her for 28 years. That was enough. She thinks if we live together we will just have all this money to go on trips and such. My mom also has Lupus.I am in a wheelchair and can't take care of my sick mother. I have tried telling her how I fell but she just does not get it. She still thinks if she makes me feel guilty enough that I will give in. Help.

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Best advice so far, Linda22 !!!!
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elmo, keep control of the convo - calmly state that you will not be discussing your finances with her now or in the future. That either the convo moves on or you will be ending the phone call. Then do it.
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I can't afford therapy. Problem is that I have already told her before that It's MY credit card and that if I screw it up it's MY problem and she still can't get it. I don't want to get nasty but she is pushing my buttons and I have had enough.
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Book…

(this is my little devil getting the better of me)

Good for you!!! And don't apologise! God sees both sides of the argument, don't forget.
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Sigh...no, CM. Father and I get into yelling matches. Trust me when I say that I can be quite disrespectful verbally. I have always - since a child - had a problem controlling my temper. I had struggled with it until ... I became 'religious' in my early 20's. I was so shocked (several times) when I did not go into a temper tantrum like I usually do. That's how I knew that religion had entered my heart. I have my temper back and .. it's a no holds bar when we argue. Yes, I can keep silent .. except his mouth goes on and on and on.. until I lose my temper.
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Book, you need to tighten up your definition of "disrespectful" is what it is. If you are reasonable and you are courteous and all you have done is politely decline to discuss a subject that is no business of the person you're talking too… well, where's the disrespect in that?

Have you tried silence and a smile? Big hugs to you, I know early habits are *really* hard to break.
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Nasty replies work. But then I end up dealing with the aftermath- guilty conscience for being so disrespectful to my elders. Like Cmag said, they programmed us at an early age. Therapy will help if you're willing to go against such brainwashing ideas. I couldn't do it. But I have had others tell me that they were able to break out of the patterns set in our childhood.
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Anybody had any experience with dealing with this kind of person by just being "nasty"? On several occasions, I found that this tactic just stopped them in their tracks.
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Write down the words NO, It's Fine, and I'm not talking about that subject with you any longer" and tape them to your phone. As Jeanne says, role play in the mirror with the phone at least once a week.
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Stand your ground. Trying to reason or argue with an intrusive person only keeps the door open for more emotional blackmail. You might find seeing a therapist helpful in securing your freedom. Your mom knows just what buttons to push because she's the one who put those buttons in when you were much younger. A therapist could help you defuse those buttons.
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Yes. Run.
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DONT do it!!! Be honest. Tell her you want your independence and privacy and that is more important to you than saving expenses. Period.

Keep saying it. When she keeps bringing it up, suggest she find a roommate her own age if it is important to her to share cost of living, but that you choose to live on your own.
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Actually, elmopalooza, you do want to lose that particular relationship with your mother. You very much need to lose it.

kdcm1011 has good advice: practice some answers. Practice at least once a week in case she doesn't bother you for a few weeks and catches you off-guard. "I'm handling it, Mom." "I don't talk about my finances over the phone. Say, do you remember that spice cake you used to make, with apples? I'm looking for a recipe like that." "I'm keeping track of things. Are you going to the church supper next week?"

The basic point is 1) I'm not going to discuss my finances with you and 2) Let's talk about something else. Keep those 2 points firmly in mind. And then DO NOT discuss your finances. Don't say "I owe $x." Don't say "I've worked out a new payment plan." Don't say "I did pretty good last month." DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR FINANCES TO ANY DEGREE.

You might also try, "Why do you ask, Mom?" But it is safest to simply refuse to go down that discussion path. If you have to, you can say outright "I'm not discussing my finances with you Mom. I've got to handle this myself."

Try to avoid being nasty. But remember that this particular aspect of your relationship is one you really, really want to lose.
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Speaking from 20/20 hindsight - DON'T EVER DO IT!
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Don't you just hate it when words come out that you didn't want to? Lesson learned.....have a ready supply of responses available. Good luck.

P.S. she is probably hating herself for asking, too. My oldest has financial challenges and sometimes I can't help myself and ask about the credit card or other things that I KNOW I don't want to know about. Then I explode when I hear his answer and beat myself up for a long time afterwards for asking.
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OMG. After 2 months of my mom not bothering me about my credit card payments, she calls me today. At first we talked about other things. Then she says "I know you are 41 and all but I just want to know how your credit card is doing". Stupidly I told her the amount I had on the card and she starts ranting and raving "Is that ALL? I let you do it yourself because you said you could" and on and on and on. I can't believe her. It's MY credit card and MY life. Why won't she back off? I don't want to lose my relationship with my mother but if this does not stop I may be forced to get nasty. Enough already!
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trapped - if it is that bad, even with medical reasons there are other options. which may be more valuable for your mother's care and your own well being. Always, take care of you!
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It's a trap - don't do it. I"m stuck in a similar situation now and trying desperately to get out. Once they have you in their claws....ALthough there are reasons it makes sense for us temporarily... I'm going to get out and only do this again if there is a medical reason to do so.
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good for you! sorry to hear about your mom's terrible reaction.
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elmo - AWESOME!!!! Keep on drawing boundaries and separating your life from hers. When she goes off like that you do not need to listen to it all -you can hang up after saying something like "I will talk to you when you are feeling better." No, it wont go well as you are breaking the codependent pattern, but it is much healthier for you and for her. Good job and don't hold your breath!!!
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All I can say is Don't do it! When I was 40 and just divorced with a teenage daughter I moved back to Mom's home town and we shared an apartment for two years. She was in her early 70's and had no life or interests of her own. She wanted to live through us and did. I had no privacy, I had no fun, everything we did she had a negative reason we shouldn't. I'd watch tv and she would be up and down, up and down 20 times walking in front of the tv. She wanted to know everything I did. At that time, she didn't have dementia, she was nice, but a different generation - and she drove me absolutely crazy being my mommy and her only entertainment and company. All I can say is - really, don't do it if there is no financial reason you have to. It will age you 20 years!
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In the past it would have upset me but now? No. I love the woman but she is just out of control and it needed to stop. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I feel better having done this. I hope someday she will understand but I sadly won't hold my breath.
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Way to go! You stood up to her. She was irrational. And the world did not end!! YAY!
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Good for you Elmo. Stand your ground, if it becomes repetitive, I would stop answering the phone when she calls. Gotta love caller ID.
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Well I did it. And it DID NOT GO WELL! She called today to "go over my bills" and I very nicely told her "I am 40 years old and need to do them myself" and she just goes BONKERS. Screaming and ranting and going on and on about how i squander my money and she is just trying to "help" me. And I very nicely told her "I understand. But I am 40 years old and if I squander my money that is my problem" then she tells me to go to hell like my brother and slams the phone down. I feel better having told her how i feel but her reaction was totally out of line. She is this way with my siblings too. Always meddling in their lives and then getting pissy when they don't do what she wants.
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Suggest it to your mom....every time she brings it up about you moving out there. "oh, I couldn't possibly move out there; however, Aunt so-and-so bought a bigger house and I am sure it is so you could move in with her." then "oh, there's my other phone (or the door or something)....sorry, gotta go.....love you, Mom" and HANG UP and not answering her calls the remainder of the day. I swear, that is why Caller ID was invented ..... to avoid pesky family members.
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Well you would think that would be the solution right? But my Aunt won't suggest it and I doubt my mom would ask. I could try suggesting that to her but I don't know if she will go for it.
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Bigger house...Mom could move in with Aunt?
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Oh she lives in Arizona! she is the reason my mom moved there to begin with. They bought her a house and then took it away a year later because "They needed the money for a bigger house". Now mind you it's just her and her husband. My aunt's kids are all grown and have families of their own. She will lend my mom money but wants to be paid back. But she does very little to help my mom. My aunt is not exactly all there mentally. Even my mom admits that!
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Elmo - Tell you Aunt if she is so worried that SHE should go to Arizone!
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