Mom wants to put dad in a nursing home. Is there any way we can put my dad away if he doesn't want to go? - AgingCare.com

Mom wants to put dad in a nursing home. Is there any way we can put my dad away if he doesn't want to go?

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So...parents still living in their own home from 60+ years. Dad is 95 and Mom 87. He's catheterized and has dementia (although not too bad from what I see) and sleeps most of the day. Mom - "boohoo" "whoa is me" back and forth about putting my dad "away". She seems to be very confused and has not been diagnosed with dementia but I'm sure she has it. There's an aide there every day from 9am-7pm but it doesnt seem to be enough for this woman. I hate her, I love her, I feel sorry for her. Some of it might be attention getting, but it scares the heck out of me. My brother the workaholic has POA. Is there any way we can put my dad away if he doesn't want to go? She won't do assisted living. Thanks in advance.

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You read a lot on the forum about individual rights and the need to declare someone incompetent in order to force them to get the help they need, but I think that while all of that may be ethically and legally correct nursing homes are filled with people who do not want to be there and have never had their right to choose taken away by any court.
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I wonder if you truly understand what your mother is going through with your Dad. You say she has an aide to help and you say you “think” his needs are being met. Don’t you know for sure? Do you visit often and observe? Does your brother? If Mom says she wants Dad to go, it’s time. It’s not an easy decision. If they’ve been together for a long time, it’s not easy to see the man you love disappear. As for your brother as a “workaholic”, I don’t know of anyone today who has the luxury not to be. My daughter and her husband Work 2 jobs 7 Days a week and still can’t make ends meet. What do you want brother to do?

My own mother was a Drama Queen, paranoid, jealous, had a giant persecution complex and was delusional. But I always knew she wanted the best for my dad. Go along with Mom and start looking for someplace for Dad. Ask his doctor the best way to ease him into the transition.
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Having seen this with my own parents (who were a couple decades younger than yours), your mom must be exhausted and stressed beyond belief. In the early phases when my dad seemed pretty good, he still wandered out the front door, was awake and walking every 90 minutes at night, and confused. My mom ended up with health issues (heart) due to the stress At the beginning of the family's AD journey, we told her that when it reached the point where she could no longer do the 24/7 care, we would support her decision to look for a facility. She waffled as your mom is, because it was a brutally tough decision to make, even if it was best one.

Your mom may have been a drama queen, but I can't imagine how an 87 year old woman can do this level of care for long.
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My brother is paying for the aide's OT and expects to be paid back by the inheritance (if there is any). The aide is there every day 9-7pm and I'm pretty sure my dad's needs are being met. My mom has always been a "drama queen" - manipulative, helpless, victim. Case in point - she says she's the baby of her family and should be taken care of. Dad always controlled/"took care of" until the last year or so. They have a house and some savings so I don't think medicaid will be an option.
Mom is confused. Who does a needs assessment? Is this like a geriatric assessment that is very complicated/lengthy?
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So, is it that mom wants to remain at home (who is paying for the aide, by the way?) and have dad out of there? A needs assessment is crucial here. It seems unlikely that a woman of that age can care adequately for a sick husband, but a needs assessment would spell things out and be the starting platform for action. You need to get doctor on board here - is dementia diagnosed for either of them? Guardianship, either under you or by the state would be an option. If dad's needs are not being met, then APS could intervene. It is true that you cannot force them, until they are clearly a danger to themselves or others, but if mom cannot care for dad, that time may have come. Also, what about the financial ramifications if Dad goes into a facility? Has mom given consideration as to how she will manage with reduced income if Medicaid is needed? Have you?
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I started the process of looking for places near me and my Mother said she wont go. I don't think I can force them.
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They should both go together NOW before their dementia gets worse. At 87 she is too old to cope with the responsibility and fear. Have your brother talk with them "officially" and you start looking for a memory care facility. Their home sale will pay for it. You have lots to do but it must be done!
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What do you mean by "Put dad away?" I don't think I would feel comfortable with someone useing those words when considering my care.    I surmise you are referring to placement in a long term care facility, like Nursing Home or Memory Care?

 If you only see your dad at certain times, you may not have seen the total picture. Is your mom able to provide someone a complete and accurate description of what he needs help with? A professional, should be able to do a needs assessment to determine what level of care that he needs. I'd consider that and propose that he get it by providing the assessment info  to his wife and your brother/POA. If dad wasn't getting that at home, I'd ensure that he did get help, hopefully, by mom and brother arranging it, If not, I'd see an attorney about what I needed to do to step in and arrange it. (Guardianship would override his POA) Of course, that would be a last option, but, I'd make sure my dad was well cared for.

IMO, expecting an 87 year old woman to provide care for a 95 year old spouse with dementia is unrealistic. I would suspect that she is totally overwhelmed and exhausted. I'd thank her for speaking up and get her some relief. Caretakers undergo a lot of sleep deprivation, bathroom cleanup, repeating things over and over, lost items, delusions, etc. It's very stressful. I wouldn't consider it attention getting, but, a cry for help.
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