I recently moved my Mom (80) in with me and now wants to move out. Any advice?

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She had bad seizure, blind, doesn't eat good, depressed, often suicidal. She's also an alcoholic but won't admit it, pointing out I drink so what's wrong with her having 1 or 4 or 10 she likes the taste and it takes the edge off. She also thinks that I'll let her move out, I just don't know if I can enforce that even though I have POA. Her boyfriend doesn't help cause he buys her booze whenever they go out together. She's forgetful, a miser, secretive, hides money to fund her escape and then forgets where she hid it. I want to know to what lengths I can go. Can I ban alcohoL from her including not letting her boyfriend buy it for her, etc. I also want to limit her access to her bank account. Every time I tell her she fell down because she drank too much she doesn't believe me. She's always depressed, doesn't see any value to living but still insists that since other blind people get along and completely ignores the fact that because of her seizures and the mini strokes she's had in the past that the DR says she can't live by herself. So can I enforce an alcohol ban, and if boyfriend won't cooperate cut him off, put her on a strict budget, etc. Can I do this? I have gotten advice on how to deflect some of her statements to avoid fights and it works most of the time. She's also falls, due to drunkenness or other physical problems and sheer cussedness in walking without her cane. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. I am the oldest, the most able mentally, financially and emotionally to care for her and i recently learned that I have my limits cause I lost it with her the other day when she went off saying she had nothing so she might as well die. I ended up screaming at her "Live, Live!" Someone said she had the right to fall that it was part of her elder rights. If parents can set limits for a teenager who's into drugs and alcohol, then why can't I set the same limits for an 80 year old who acts like a 2 yr old who can't have her binky. so I'm learning to deal, have a sister who can help watch her when I have to work. I guess I keep coming back to wanting to know just how far I can go without stepping into or across the line into abuse just because I won't let her have her way...advice

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thank you all for your wonderful insights and advice. I think i knew I could do some but not all and you all have given me a lot to think about. I think I will make an appointment with her doc for me and lay it out and them have him do an eval on her next visit and let me know what he thinks and go from there. For right now, she can't afford to live by herself and I am not sure her boyfriend is in a position to move yet so she and I are stuck with each other for now. I'll just have to see what the next roll of the dice brings us. Again, thank you and if anything else comes up I'll post again.
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no i don't think we have such where we live in our rural area. I am going to contact her doc. and her social worker to see if she qualifies for in home support service. that'll help and maybe provide some assistance. thanks i was looking I think for confirmation for my contemplated actions, I guess its always a balancing act-encouraging independence while keeping her safe inspite of herself
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Just because she is old, she didn't lose the right to make her own decisions and to act like an idiot. You can't enforce your will over hers. It is cruel, illegal, and counter productive. You can't enforce your will on her, but you can refuse to clean up the mess. It might be a good decision to let her move out until she quits drinking. Speaking as a reformed drunk, nobody quits till they are ready, and your Mom is far from ready. Save your energy.

With a history of strokes and alcholism, she probably doesn't have a long life expectancy. Maybe the best course is just to enjoy her now, while you still have her.
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If no geriatric psychiatrist around, can her own doctor evaluate her for depression, suicidality? Might be worth a trip to a major medical center to get all this straightened out. I agree with CM, who has far more hours of hands on caregiving. I'm just giving you the Clinical perspective!
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It all comes down to legal competence. While your mother has capacity, you can make the rules for what goes on in your house but you cannot stop her leaving (though you can always fold your arms and refuse to help) and you cannot, to put it simply, tell her what she can and can't do. The "perfect" caregiver (whoever that is!) supports the person to act on his or her decisions, whether or not one agrees with them. Yeah. Tchah! I am NOT bulk-buying fluffy toy penguins on the internet for my mother to give to all and sundry over Christmas just because that was the kind of thing she used to get up to. So while the "PCG" might button her lip and get your mother a bottle of sherry with the groceries, you don't have to if you don't think she should be drinking. But you can't stop her boyfriend doing it. And you can't limit her access to her bank account, but you can, for example, put parental controls on the computer and screen incoming phone calls and mail for scams.

Once you can demonstrate that she no longer has mental capacity, you can roll up your sleeves and get to work. But even then, you're supposed to help her continue her habitual lifestyle; so you could limit her drinking, but it would be borderline unethical to ban it altogether. Besides, what for? The aim is to make her safe and comfortable, not to transform her into a paragon of healthy living.

Believe me, I know how incredibly frustrating it is. Brings tears to the eyes.
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no i don't think we have such where we live in our rural area. I am going to contact her doc. and her social worker to see if she qualifies for in home support service. that'll help and maybe provide some assistance. thanks i was looking I think for confirmation for my contemplated actions, I guess its always a balancing act-encouraging independence while keeping her safe inspite of herself
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Has your mother been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? I'm sorry I don't have better answers for you about setting liits, but I think this is hard to do if you're within a family setting.
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