Mom wants to move back Illinois, but only child lives in FL. Should I find a care manager in Illinois and move her home? -

Mom wants to move back Illinois, but only child lives in FL. Should I find a care manager in Illinois and move her home?


Moved parents to FL 1 1-2 yrs ago. Both have dementia. Stepdad died October 2017. Mom now at beautiful 2 bed 2 bath apartment 1/2 Mile from daughter. (Me, only child) 24/7 caregivers that mom loves. However, mom HATES it here and HATES me for bringing her here. She forgets who died and when and thinks she was married a short time (52yrs). Wants to go home and, yes, she knows home. Should I find a care manager in Illinois and move her home? There is a "friend" in Illinois that seems to want her money. I fear I cannot keep her safe in Illinois while I live in Florida but this is killing me.



Please listen to the suggestions of others here. Don't move her back to Illinois. I've walked this path as an only child living 400 miles away. Keep her near you. It will save your sanity and allow you and your mom to enjoy quality time together...when she is not talking about going back to Illinois. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to jjmummert

If you moved her back it would be only a matter of time until she wanted to move somewhere else. Therapeutic lies and redirection and lots of patience.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gladimhere

I’m afraid what your mom misses is not Illinois itself, but the comforting memories of the life she once had in Illinois, in her home, which likely include your stepdad. The life she once had which will never be a reality again.

But she can still make new nice and warm memories in Florida, with her only daughter nearby, caring for her and loving her.

You are the adult now. You need to make decisions that protect your mom, not only that please your mom...specially when what she wants is not necessarily what she needs.

Prayers for strength and clarity!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Rosses003

What is she missing in FL that she thinks she'll find in Illinois? Is there any way you can bring that to FL if there is something tangible she's missing?

You probably can't reason with her if she has dementia. She may be wanting to go back in time like a lot of seniors to her youth. I wouldn't move her. I'd just try to distract her and/or use the therapeutic fib like Jjariz suggested. It's a lot more important in my opinion that she be close to you as her advocate than to be geographically where she wants to be.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to blannie

Debby, since your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia [per your profile], moving Mom would make the illness progress faster. And like you said, you fear you could not keep Mom safe if she moved away.

As jjarz and Grammy had mentioned above, time to start using "theraputic fibs" to delay your Mom from thinking about moving. Fibs such as "can't move right now, 2 feet of snow in Illinois". "Your home was damage in a storm, it's being fixed but will take time". "you will miss [caregivers names] and they would be very sad to see you leave", etc.

Just keep delaying the idea. Eventually your Mom will forget about moving.

My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family on the passing of your Step-Dad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to freqflyer

If your mom has dementia, it will only get worse and she will need you to oversee her needs. I think it would be a mistake to move her that far away and try to manage from afar. Can you use therapeutic lies to get her to hang on.... The home is being fumigated, there is a leak, there is mold that needs to be eradicated, etc. As the dementia progresses she will obsess about different things. If the "friend" is calling and creating issues, can you block those calls?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grammyteacher

You posted this under 'Alzheimer's' group, so I assume Mom has dementia? I would never move a parent somewhere without support with this disease. If you're in to 'therapeutic fibbing,' tell her that she can move when her lease is over. Then make sure her lease doesn't end soon. It's rough when the kid has to be the parent.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to jjariz