What to do when Mom wants to move to assisted living, Dad refuses to even consider it?

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Dad is 91, in great health except for some short-term memory issues. Still drives but refuses to wear glasses that the eye doctor prescribed for distance (and says he definitely should be wearing for driving). He is a homebody and would prefer to stay home, read and watch TV all day. Mom is 85, cannot drive and has difficulty communicating due to aphasia from mini-strokes 20+ years ago, very overweight, has a very bad left knee. She feels trapped at home, and has dad drive her to local stores, doctor appointments, bridge with friends. Siblings and I have taken them to look at local senior living places; my mom would really love to go, but my dad absolutely, positively refuses to consider it. Dad is also a hoarder... cellar and garage are packed with junk, dining room table ready to collapse under piles of junk mail, newspapers and magazines. Both of them have had falls within the past year (dad on basement stairs, mom going to mailbox), fortunately no broken bones. Siblings and I are worried that a serious accident will happen--on the road or in the house. Any advice would be SO appreciated!

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No chance of cleaning anything up till after dad is on his death bed. I am sorry for Mom but it is what it is and she is married to him so help her out if you can by taking her out. Encourage her to go to a senior center as aften as possible. Talk to DMV to see what can be done about dad not driving but if he looses those privilages someone is going to have to step up to the plate and drive them. You may just have to wait till there is an emergency to make the decision for them.
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I have known families that drive their loved one to AL in the evening and then, home every day. It works for them.

You cannot clean up, after a hoarder. They think that junk is their life long possessions. Your dad would do the same thing at AL, so he really isn't suited for that. I think you are going to have to wait him out, until he has to be in a NH.

What are you and your siblings going to do with the house? I don't look forward to cleaning out my mothers and I think I will take out the family pieces and then, hire a company to clean it out.

My MIL is in such a nice AL, that I will have no problem moving into one. I am 61.
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This describes my parents situation exactly except that Mom did fall (tripped over Dad's stuff) and broke her hip. It was at this point that she went to an assisted living facility. Dad wouldn't budge because in his words, "I am welded to my house". Dad visited three times per week but never moved in. This was hurtful to Mom as they had been married 72 years. Dad passed away three years later at 98 and Mom remained at her AL apartment until recently moving into a skilled nursing facility. We were not able to clean up the results of 72 years of hoarding until after Dad passed away. I suggest going ahead with your Mom's wishes. There is no perfect solution.
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I think the very idea of moving is daunting and frightening to most seniors. My mother would never have moved from her single family house if we hadn't told her that we, her children, just couldn't do what we were doing anymore. In short, we didn't really give her a choice. My brother was headed for a heart attack, rushing to the rescue several times a week. If you enable the status quo, they won't do anything differently.
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abercm, I have the same issue with my parents, except it is my Mom who won't go, anyway that is the excuse my Dad gives. Dad liked the brochure of the retirement village, which has condos on all sizes, loved the idea of the indoor swimming pool, but he said maybe in a couple of years.... say what?... that would mean my parents be 95 and 99.... [sigh].

How much easier life would be if they did move... they would have MORE freedom instead of waiting for me to clear my schedule to drive them somewhere. They now miss going to the stores, well at the retirement village the mini bus goes daily so they could shop all the time. What is there not to like? Plus Dad would have all these new set of ears to listen to all his college and work stories :) And Mom would feel secure that if Dad fell [which he does often] that all she would need to do is signal a panic button in the condo and security would come to help, any time during the day.

Then I figured that my parents really think this village is a nursing home, and people from my parents generation tend to refuse to even think about going to such a place. Good heavens, there are people my age who had moved there, and they love it.

I really think the downsizing is one stumbling block for my parents. Dad has his workshop that he would need to give up [even though the village has a woodworking shop for the residents]... and the though of leaving behind so much furniture. My Mom's idea of downsizing is donating one knick knack per year :P
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Thanks so much for all of the great advice! Unfortunately, dad will not allow anyone to touch his precious "stuff" so there's no way to get rid of anything. He actually threatened to sue my youngest sister when she and her husband got rid of some old broken things while he and my mom were away a number of years ago. I really like the idea of having my mom go to assisted living for a one month trial.
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Fooey on cleaning while they are in there, it only creates conflict. Tell mom to pack for a month and let her go for a one month trial. When dad realizes there is no one to put the toilet paper on the roll, he will change his mind.
Don't enable him by doing all your mother did for him. Let him find out just how spoiled he really is.
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I'm thinking that if you "work on" dad he may dig his heels in. Work on the assumption that he's going to say no until the last possible second...and then go along because he loves mom and needs to protect her. Let mom do the cajoling. If he chooses to stay behind, he's made his own bed. When he falls again call 911 and let the hospital folks decide if he's safe to return home.
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Take it one step at a time. Before packing your mom up and moving her to an assisted living without your dad, deal with the house. Go through it and clean it up. Meanwhile, take your mom on some tours of some facilities. During this time work on your dad about moving. Wear him down.

If your mom were to move without your dad I'm afraid you'd have 2 problems to deal with: your dad living alone and your mom getting used to her new living arrangement. I don't think your dad should be left behind but if he absolutely digs his heels in and refuses to move at least their house will be safer and cleaner.
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So, take mom on some tours and allow her to choose an AL place that is to her liking. Pack her up and help her move. In all likelihood, dad will follow but if not he's made HIS choice.
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