Mom wants to make 1200 mile trip to "come home" (to die?). What should I do? - AgingCare.com

Mom wants to make 1200 mile trip to "come home" (to die?). What should I do?

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My mother moved 1200 miles away 35 years ago. She has never been a loving mother. She was selfish, self-centered and neglectful throughout my childhood. Our relationship is not close and we have only seen each other sporadically. Five years ago I had to save her house from being condemned due to hoarding, but that's another story. Apparently she was placed in hospice care two months ago & they just got around to telling me. She has advanced COPD and only stopped smoking two months ago because, finally, the cigarette connection ended. She is a complete invalid and cannot do anything for herself. Now she wants to "come home." She will be leaving my autistic brother there. Does it make sense to transport her 1200 miles in her frail condition? I want to do the right thing but frankly I don't want her. I've joked about changing my phone number. Every encounter with her is emotionally and physically exhausting. It took a week for my blood pressure to stabilize the last time I went there. I thought I was going to have a stroke. So - move or don't move? And how do I deal with the guilt of not taking care of her?

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No move. I doubt that her MD would approve it. She needs some guidance from a minister or a counselor at hospice. Very often the desire to "go home" refers to a childhood home, a representation of a time when life was simpler. It may also refer to Heaven, a safe place free of pain. So assure her she IS going home to God and soon.
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I vote no move.

She has been neglectful all her life, and now she expects the person she has neglected to take on a super-human fete on her behalf. Sorry. That is her personal delusion, and not one you have to buy into.

Of course, if you and she had a close loving relationship, I'd still vote no, for practical reasons, but then I might encourage you to go to her or to establish a lot of contact. As it is, your relationship is what it is. Take care of yourself.
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No move. Moving across states is a nightmare at end of life for health care. Not judging, but if you guys were not close enough for you to know she went to hospice, sounds like this is not a close family. Sounds capricious and unsafe to make the move. She is not a an elephant looking for a cemetary to die.
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First and foremost you need to take care of yourself. This is a very difficult job even for a good parent that you enjoy. But your case sounds like it would lead to disaster for both of you. The move would be very difficult. She should stay put.
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