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Like the title says, my mom is 82 suffers from congestive heart failure and vascular dementia. She is fairly well, considering, but obviously not of sound mind to think of doing this day trip.


The man lives 2 hours away from us, mom lives with me and husband, no help from any family or friends all live in another state.


Things have been very tenuous between us lately and she acts like a toddler half the time and a spoiled teenager the other half. She will refuse to put on clean clothes for days, sitting around with crumbs and stains on clothes, I cook, clean, shop, drive and sort and distribute her medications. She has improved over the last year, and can function to put comments on Facebook and this dating site, but shuts down if she is too stressed or tired.


She told me this is going to happen tomorrow whether we like it or not... I am not her legal guardian but am a VERY concerned daughter... any advice is appreciated.


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You must get a Durable Power of Attorney as soon as you can, although she may not consent to it.

Perhaps you could double date with them, go with them and offer to treat them with something they would like to do. Or offer to play a game at your house.
Call the police when gets ready to leave. Here, Police were very helpful when my mom ran away. Can you speak to her doctor?
I see that you solved this issue. My mom ran away in her pjs. Called the police turned me in for elder abuse. then ran away. We put her in an ambulance and took her to a locked down facility for 2 weeks and them to memory care. She is in assisted living now doing pretty good
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((HUGS))!!! you deserve all the hugs you can get. I believe you did the correct thing. Since she has dementia you just can't let her do whatever she wishes, especially since it involves your family and your home. Please accept these hugs from me. ((HUGS)), ((HUGS)), and more ((HUGS)).
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Hi, this is OP and I really want to give my heartfelt thanks to everyone that has offered support and advice to me during this stressful situation.
As I stated earlier, mom and I had words. I let her know that she was not going anywhere with a strange man she met on the internet. She was not to give our address to anyone without my approval and that I was doing this because I love her and was worried for her safety.
I am not a confrontational person and have always tried to be kind and loving to mom, but this was unacceptable.
After the dust settled and I had time to look into what was actually being posted on this site, I found that the man was talking vulgar and did say he wanted to meet my mom and do things to her.... ugh! She was not innocent in this conversation either.... she made questionable comments and she did put an address on there, but it wasn’t correct and was just a street number with no street name.
Unfortunately when she went outside at 10pm at night, I didn’t know what exactly was going on and I had to react in a way to protect her and myself. Thankfully no one showed up and we weren’t in danger but this situation could have ended badly.
Mom is now at my brothers for a while as we both needed a break, I have not had a day away from caring for her in 3 years. My brother and sister in law are doing their best to care for her and she is in a safe place. We have disconnected her access to this dating website in the transition from my home to theirs so hopefully she will forget about it when she comes back or I will have to tell her it was shut down.
The truth is caregiving is hard. Hindsight is 20/20 and we all do the best we can.
Some people on here have criticized my actions saying mom should be able to do whatever she wants. But she has dementia and is not in her right mind and I’m just a daughter doing the best I can.
Thanks so much for the support and for taking the time to reply when I was at my wits end.
Your kindness is a blessing and I hope I can be there for some of you in the future.
Hugs, Kathy
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Hey, Kathy. I’m glad you’re getting a break from your caregiving. Pay no attention to the people who said you should let mom have free reign or those who said she should go ahead and meet the creep because he might be a lonely little old man. Yuk. I’m glad she wasn’t cognizant enough to give out your right address. Make sure wherever she does her internet surfing that it’s not written down anywhere for her to read off of.

At at some point, you will probably need to have it out with Mom again. I know how difficult this is because I am non- confrontational as well. You are a saint for caring for your mom. Three years with no break. Wow. Don’t let that happen again, for your own mental health. If Assisted Living isn’t in her future, then brother will need to step up more often.

Bless you for what you’re doing. Sending hugs!
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While this internet person may be ignorant of the situation with you mom, he might just be an innocent person looking to meet a nice new lady-friend. The issue or learning here is what YOU need to do - to protect you, your family, and your mom. He is perhaps a welcome(d) RED FLAG for you to become aware of needing to take new action(s) as discussed. Unless you have been reading the conversation strings, some - or most - of this scenario may be a fantasy you mom is creating. Still, it is good in that you are more aware of needing to change the status quo - and how you care / interact / understand your mom and her condition. Gena.
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Wow. People troll on social media all the time. Do something to stop this now. Okay, I see the OP posted the update.
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You need to be her legal Power of Attorney. Consult a Board Certified Elder Care Attorney.
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On the lighter side. Wouldn't it be funny if it was just some old widower hoping to meet a nice lady. Probably not, but that thought crossed my mind.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Yeah but she said he was trolling on a game app. It would be funny, though!
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I read the update. Glad you headed that problem off. She might need to be in a lock down facility for dementia. She can be concidered a danger to herself or others. Because of what she can get into.
Once scammers find out, they send others to try to start scamming & working the lonely and elderly too. Just in case they are stopped. They have others who start working the 'mark'. They spend all day in internet cafes doing this, and working diff scams.

Sending her off to other family members does not stop the problems. It only moves her to another area. She could get on his internet.
At least you get a bit of a break. It's time to have a serious talk with family going foward. At least you got it before she got into more problems. Good luck to you. You shouldn't feel bad you had to stop her. YOUR protecting her.
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Th OP updated us the very next day and her reply is the #1 most helpful answer (just check page 1)
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Yes, she did. She said she and her mother “had it out”, but I think some of us are wondering what “the rest of the story” is, whether this creep showed up, whether Mom tried to take off, etc. I hope the OP was able to take charge and lower the proverbial boom on Mom. The idea of some pervert having my address and skulking around my house makes my hair stand on end. I hope it all worked out for them.
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By this time the crisis is over. This was August 13 and today is the 16th. So, my advice is probably too late.

In addition to everything said. If the guy shows up, Make a copy of his Driver's license and take a photo of his car license plate. Back before the internet, I belonged to a video dating site. I would meet them in restaurants first, then if it went as far as going on an actual date, I would ask to look at their driver's license and telephone the number to one of my kids. The men would just look at me oddly, but they never refused to go out with me.

On the lighter side, my mom was in her late 80's, no dementia. She lived in a gated apartment complex. She called me one day and told me that some man came to the door and was trying to scam her by giving her a package. I asked if he had on a brown uniform. She said he did. I told her it was the UPS guy delivering her phone. I had to call UPS and reschedule the delivery. I laughed to myself, but didn't to her because I was happy she was alert to scams.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. The OP is gone. I know all of us really hope this situation was resolved in a safe way. I would imagine the troll disappeared after he was found out. If not, the last thing I’d want is him in my house near my family. Yuk.
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let her bank know to be on alert for any suspicious activity. i might go as far as giving her a small amount of cash to bring and holding onto her credit cards and checks etc. People are so out to take advantage
If it were me I would probably follow her or ask to go along. Or better yet, maybe ask the fine fellow over to your house for dinner first and of course..... - beware
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Kathy,

I am so glad you got the situation under control.

I too would like to voice concern concerning your Mom and the Internet. My DIL works for a Credit Union. Tuesday she had two Elderly customers in her office. The first a woman wanted to borrow 25,000 against her car for her “Internet Fiancée “. That was a no go for the woman. Advised it was a scam anyway. The second a man wanted to open an account so some person could deposit funds. An internet person. Crazy story. I don’t know that DIL ever convinced him it was a scam but he did leave her office.

Elders especially those with cognitive decline are very vulnerable to these predators.
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My father was involved with those jamacian scammers. The phone is the most dangerous thing that they could use. I reported the scammers and cussed them out and finally they stopped calling. But I was always afraid they would call again when I wasn't there and. Once, they convinced him to go to cvs and buy a card, so they could get the money off it. CVS told him it was a scam. They said he won a lottery and he had to give them money to get it. Unbelievable.
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I echo Jasmina - excellent advice-response.
* Also, do change your mother's password.
* You need to learn how to take control of this situation. Strangers knowing your home address, perhaps your full name - or more - is a potential danger to everyone in the house.
* Realize you cannot interact-talk to your mother acting out like a rebellious teenager.
* You cannot talk logic.
* She may need to be on (more) medication management.
- When my mother was alive, she called me from a hotel room - saying she was with a man (somehow she met him on-line). (She was very old-fashion, shy, insecure and not one to get intimately involved quickly - with any one). My mom lived alone in another city at that time. While she was not diagnosed with dementia, she put herself in a very vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation. At least she called me - but at that point, there was little I could do if something dangerous was going to happen to her. (She also did not drive-never did.)
- I - YES, ME - fell for a phish or scammer on Match (I'm in my 60s). Never ever respond outside of a dating site email network initially. Never give out personal information. Scammers ask a person immediately to contact them at their own personal email address-outside of the dating service venue. I fell hook, line and sinker. I caught on after a month or so that something wasn't right, but I couldn't believe I could be taken like that. These scammers are all over dating sites like cockroaches - just waiting for vulnerable women.
* Your mother needs serious boundaries and guidelines.
* You need to understand how to interact with her dementia - do not engage with her 'acting out' as if she is a rebellious teenager.
* You need to monitor her computer, if you continue to allow her to use one. You can easily set it up to do that.
* And the dating sites will not take any responsibility as they have disclaimers and tell users what NOT TO DO. Although they will follow-up so do report this person (give their email and name) to the dating service 'security alert' and they will follow-up.
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Why are you taking all the responsibility of taking care of her 24/7, but are not the legal guardian/poa??? I'd get that straightened out in a hurry. Someone else in your family could be draining her accounts, leaving you stuck with her medical bills.

Why does she have access to a computer unmonitored? Wow that is dangerous!!!
My dad was getting phone calls from scammers from Jamaica. No one in our family could convince him he didnt win a walmart lottery. (no such thing). They wanted thousands to sent, to pay the fake taxes. We got that stopped in a hurry before he sent them $$. They would not stop calling. They just keep working the elderly until they find out what works.

Being online makes it more likely scammers will figure out she is easy prey. There are tons of stories on tv about scammers pretending to be the new love of her life. They will pretend to be stuck in a foreign country and need money sent, so they can come sweep her off her feet and marry her. Did she give out your address and phone number to a stranger? Yikes!

Having your mom online unmonitored, is like giving a 12 year old free access to a computer. You need to disable or block access to the computer asap! Getting a program that monitors children online, and blocks web sites, isnt good enuff. You only find out after the fact. As the other responders say get a lock down on all her credit cards, bank accounts, social security etc. You need to monitor these immediately!

Her being online is very dangerous knowing that she has dementia.
There are a lot of scammers from Nigeria and other places who will pretend they love her. They will get her to drain her accounts to send them money. They are even able to scam lonely people of sound mind! Their families have not been powerless to stop them.

You need to tell her the WiFi has been shut off bc you need the $ to care for her. Too many charges, too expensive etc. Cant afford it any more. If scammers have access to your family's address, phone number, that doesn't stop them from calling her, or coming over to drive her to the bank.

You can use computer in your bedroom or when she is sleeping. Disable the computer and just use your phone or hide a tablet that has a password. Dont use in front of her. She has already shown you she won't listen to you and will do what she wants!

You need to get control of that situation NOW/TODAY.
You need to make this your #1 priority to get this to stop. She will have a fit, but so what. Let her. Her safety and your safety is paramount.
You better check your finances too just in case. She can be giving out your info too. She already gave out your address to a stranger. She has,shown you she doesnt care what you think. I'm so worried for you, and her O_O
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Toadhall Aug 2018
Good idea with the nanny software. I had the same problem with my mom and the "you won the lottery"thing. I figured out the Walmart angle. The scammer was telling her to go to Walmart to wire the money to him. Thank God she didn't know how to wire money.
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Try to find out where they're going and "spy" on them. Or suggest a "double date" - either would satisfy your concerns.

They show more and more commercials on TV with older people finding their "perfect match" on eHarmony and other sites. It's a big lonely world out there. Personally, I think no matter where you meet someone, even in church, it all carries risk. I met my DH 33 years ago at a church singles function - and we both got lucky that neither of us were bad people. But his children should have been scared for him, he was then 63 and widowed 6 months and I was only 33 and never married. Either one of us could have been a serial killer. Thankfully, we were just both lonely and we fell in love almost immediately - we each considered the other to be a gift from God.

If at all possible, I would say to try to follow or join them on this first date.
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Check out LG QizmoGadget watch. It’s a watch, it’s a phone, it’s a GPS (but our elderly don’t need to know that part).
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Short term, does she really have the details of this escapade worked out? Is he coming to get her? is she driving to meet him? I would try to contact him and discuss her status.

Barring that, I would be sure she has a charged up cell phone with her and can "dial" 911...

Long term, I would try to work out a few rules with her for being able to live in your home. This stress is not good for anyone. She may also need an evaluation for plans for care in the near and far future. You will need to work out how long you are willing to care for her, based on her growing needs. I am glad she has improved lately, but unfortunately,
dementia is progressive. Best of luck. In these instances, I find the Serenity Prayer quite helpful:

Lord, help me to Accept the things I cannot change; 
give me Courage to change the things I can; 
And the Wisdom to know the difference. 

Best of Luck.
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Chances are that the man never showed up for the day trip. I know a woman who falls for this type of thing and she has sent money to men that she thinks is going to come and take her away and marry her. Never happens but she keeps trying. Did the man show up or give an excuse for not showing up.
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One other thing is there is something called Catfishing...which has been on TV where men prey on women and get them to send money. Dating websites are where it started.
To keep my dad's identity safe I froze all his credit reports and made sure he had a social security account online. That way no one can steal identity or take out a loan in his name. Dad used to get on porn sites and he used a computer into his mid 90’s. I finally had a computer tech block him from doing this by making me the administrator of the computer and blocking certain content. Also installed malware bytes on it to scan for any malware. If she is using a computer this needs to be done. She is at risk for a hacker if she goes to certain sites. Put a piece of tape over the camera hole. Do not let her have online access or passwords to any banking or credit card sites. Remove credit cards from her as well. My dad had a guy contact him through his computer telling him he had a virus. Red Alert! That doesn’t happen in real life. They wanted access to fix it and money. They know elderly and those with dementia are easy targets.
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good you took action i hope she will realize what he wanted ,. good luck
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If she still has her mind, what right do you have to dictate how she should live?
If you think she is a danger to herself then you must intervene for psychiatric evaluation and get yourself appointed as her legal guardian. the judge will visit the psychiatric facility. Sorry your options are very limited.
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20Eagle16 Aug 2018
cetude...Really?! Kathy has explained that her mother has dementia, so how could her mother be in her right mind. You need to rethink your advice, as it is reckless at best.
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Everyone who accesses a computer in your home should (must) have a log on. Find her log on ID and change her password and don’t tell her what it is. Then log her out and she will never be able to log in. If she asks why she can’t log on, just play dumb. She can be told that such and such a nursing home has computers, if she wants to move there. By the way, who has power of attorney in your Mom’s case? You WILL be held responsible by the police, if something happens to your mom. My mom could work a computer into her 80s just like your mom. But just like my mom, your mom must eventually go to a nursing home. I give her two years tops, before things really unravel. You need to keep her safe, and that requires a nursing home. By living around more people her age, she might level off in her attitude. If no one has power of attorney, then you have a real problem on your hands, and so I would immediately go to the office of aging in your area and seek advice. You also want a “paper trail” that you are actively seeking help for your mom. Like I say, you will be held responsible by the authorities. Check out nursing homes on your own...the ones who have memory care units. Ask them for advice. You will NOT need to spend YOUR money. If your mom has no money, Medicaid will cover it. Do not put her into any home that does not have a memory care unit and do not put her into any home that does not take Medicaid. Always remember, this is the disease. Your mom is still there. But, the disease changes people dramatically. IF she has Alzheimer’s, read the book by Dr Dale Bredesen called The End of Alzheimer’s to give you hope. Don’t panic. Don’t worry. But, do take action. This will get worse and not better. Hang in there.
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Two words: Nursing home.
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That is one of the scariest things I've heard! Once upon a time, I wanted to teach my mom to use a computer. Now I'm glad I never did. She's always been gullible and might have fallen victim to a number of predators on the internet. She's in memory care now and I had a private phone installed for her and she STILL gets calls from people trying to scam her. Thank heavens she talks to me about them before she sends anything - I drilled that into her head while she was still living alone. I used to work for the state attorney general and I gave her all sorts of reading material on phone and mail scams, told her not to answer the door if she didn't know the person on the other side, but as she was not computer literate, I never thought to warn her about computer dating sites or other internet prowlers. Now, as more seniors are becoming computer savvy, it is a real concern. My hat's off to you for keeping her safe.
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Kathycan, do you think this creep has your home address? If yes, it would be well worth your time to file a police report. Any sexual predator can be a threat, he might assume it was you or someone besides your mom on the computer. Not trying to freak you out but she has really put your family at risk. If anyone in your house is a techie I would look into an alarm system with cameras, if you can do it yourselves it can be done for a few hundred dollars.

Carry wasp spray to and from your vehicle and keep a couple cans handy around the house and if this guy shows up give him a good dose, run to safety and call 911.

Stay safe!
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Good advice. And more than a little frightening. If there are any children in the house, I’d keep them close as well. Sick people troll the Internet. More reason to notify the police.
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And perhaps take a lovely picture of her in her dirty clothes with the stains and crumbs, and post that on her account to him... Should shut down any other potential dates if she is catfishing!
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I have put an alarm outside her door so I will hear it if she tries to leave at night. Right now we are not going to leave her hear alone for any amount of time.
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We told my husband's mother that she had left her phone in her pocket and it was washed in the washing machine and that we didn't have the $800 to replace it. End of that problem!
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Thanks so much everyone! We had it out last night. She lives with me and went out the front door at 10 pm last night saying the guy was coming by... I followed her out told her it wasn’t happening and how dare her give a stranger our address... a lot more was said and I told her it was my house and my rules and he was not picking her up and taking her anywhere and if he did show up I would call the police. I also told her if she’s not happy here we need to look into another place for her to live.
Her internet usage is mainly to play slot machine games and to look at Facebook. The man she met is on plenty of fish and her login info must have been saved or she managed to find it written down to be able to get logged in. The site is something she used 5years ago before she was diagnosed with dementia. I logged on and read the email between her and this guy and it was mostly her sending him messages that were short, misspelled and sounded illiterate his were sexual innuendos so the only reason he would be interested would be for sex and/or money. Her login credentials are now deleted and account removed.
I am going to call my brother today and see if they can take her for a few weeks, I’m not sure how much more I can take.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Ugh. I had the sick feeling this was what was going on. If you have any information on this guy, even his email, you should report him to the police. He is a sexual predator and may already have a record.

Also, congrats for laying down the law. I know it doesn’t help much when a person’s thoughts are impaired. My father-in-law had dementia and he was very mild-mannered. My mother was snarky and combative. She was also a “flight risk”. But she was never so far gone that she didn’t know when I was seriously annoyed. Her main topic was sex for some reason. When I had enough I’d tell her to “Be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!”

This is just just my opinion, but if Mom is at the point where she is pushing you to the limit, doing hand-offs with your brother may not work. I really worry about Mom taking off on you. The idea of meeting this guy is still in her head, believe me. And she may do it just to defy you. Remember, people with dementia often act like defiant children. You and your brother may want to discuss a plan of action for the future. Good luck. Keep us posted.
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