Like the title says, my mom is 82 suffers from congestive heart failure and vascular dementia. She is fairly well, considering, but obviously not of sound mind to think of doing this day trip.

The man lives 2 hours away from us, mom lives with me and husband, no help from any family or friends all live in another state.

Things have been very tenuous between us lately and she acts like a toddler half the time and a spoiled teenager the other half. She will refuse to put on clean clothes for days, sitting around with crumbs and stains on clothes, I cook, clean, shop, drive and sort and distribute her medications. She has improved over the last year, and can function to put comments on Facebook and this dating site, but shuts down if she is too stressed or tired.

She told me this is going to happen tomorrow whether we like it or not... I am not her legal guardian but am a VERY concerned daughter... any advice is appreciated.

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Thanks so much everyone! We had it out last night. She lives with me and went out the front door at 10 pm last night saying the guy was coming by... I followed her out told her it wasn’t happening and how dare her give a stranger our address... a lot more was said and I told her it was my house and my rules and he was not picking her up and taking her anywhere and if he did show up I would call the police. I also told her if she’s not happy here we need to look into another place for her to live.
Her internet usage is mainly to play slot machine games and to look at Facebook. The man she met is on plenty of fish and her login info must have been saved or she managed to find it written down to be able to get logged in. The site is something she used 5years ago before she was diagnosed with dementia. I logged on and read the email between her and this guy and it was mostly her sending him messages that were short, misspelled and sounded illiterate his were sexual innuendos so the only reason he would be interested would be for sex and/or money. Her login credentials are now deleted and account removed.
I am going to call my brother today and see if they can take her for a few weeks, I’m not sure how much more I can take.
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Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Ugh. I had the sick feeling this was what was going on. If you have any information on this guy, even his email, you should report him to the police. He is a sexual predator and may already have a record.

Also, congrats for laying down the law. I know it doesn’t help much when a person’s thoughts are impaired. My father-in-law had dementia and he was very mild-mannered. My mother was snarky and combative. She was also a “flight risk”. But she was never so far gone that she didn’t know when I was seriously annoyed. Her main topic was sex for some reason. When I had enough I’d tell her to “Be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!”

This is just just my opinion, but if Mom is at the point where she is pushing you to the limit, doing hand-offs with your brother may not work. I really worry about Mom taking off on you. The idea of meeting this guy is still in her head, believe me. And she may do it just to defy you. Remember, people with dementia often act like defiant children. You and your brother may want to discuss a plan of action for the future. Good luck. Keep us posted.
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Why are you taking all the responsibility of taking care of her 24/7, but are not the legal guardian/poa??? I'd get that straightened out in a hurry. Someone else in your family could be draining her accounts, leaving you stuck with her medical bills.

Why does she have access to a computer unmonitored? Wow that is dangerous!!!
My dad was getting phone calls from scammers from Jamaica. No one in our family could convince him he didnt win a walmart lottery. (no such thing). They wanted thousands to sent, to pay the fake taxes. We got that stopped in a hurry before he sent them $$. They would not stop calling. They just keep working the elderly until they find out what works.

Being online makes it more likely scammers will figure out she is easy prey. There are tons of stories on tv about scammers pretending to be the new love of her life. They will pretend to be stuck in a foreign country and need money sent, so they can come sweep her off her feet and marry her. Did she give out your address and phone number to a stranger? Yikes!

Having your mom online unmonitored, is like giving a 12 year old free access to a computer. You need to disable or block access to the computer asap! Getting a program that monitors children online, and blocks web sites, isnt good enuff. You only find out after the fact. As the other responders say get a lock down on all her credit cards, bank accounts, social security etc. You need to monitor these immediately!

Her being online is very dangerous knowing that she has dementia.
There are a lot of scammers from Nigeria and other places who will pretend they love her. They will get her to drain her accounts to send them money. They are even able to scam lonely people of sound mind! Their families have not been powerless to stop them.

You need to tell her the WiFi has been shut off bc you need the $ to care for her. Too many charges, too expensive etc. Cant afford it any more. If scammers have access to your family's address, phone number, that doesn't stop them from calling her, or coming over to drive her to the bank.

You can use computer in your bedroom or when she is sleeping. Disable the computer and just use your phone or hide a tablet that has a password. Dont use in front of her. She has already shown you she won't listen to you and will do what she wants!

You need to get control of that situation NOW/TODAY.
You need to make this your #1 priority to get this to stop. She will have a fit, but so what. Let her. Her safety and your safety is paramount.
You better check your finances too just in case. She can be giving out your info too. She already gave out your address to a stranger. She has,shown you she doesnt care what you think. I'm so worried for you, and her O_O
Helpful Answer (13)
Toadhall Aug 2018
Good idea with the nanny software. I had the same problem with my mom and the "you won the lottery"thing. I figured out the Walmart angle. The scammer was telling her to go to Walmart to wire the money to him. Thank God she didn't know how to wire money.
We told my husband's mother that she had left her phone in her pocket and it was washed in the washing machine and that we didn't have the $800 to replace it. End of that problem!
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I am so glad you got the situation under control.

I too would like to voice concern concerning your Mom and the Internet. My DIL works for a Credit Union. Tuesday she had two Elderly customers in her office. The first a woman wanted to borrow 25,000 against her car for her “Internet Fiancée “. That was a no go for the woman. Advised it was a scam anyway. The second a man wanted to open an account so some person could deposit funds. An internet person. Crazy story. I don’t know that DIL ever convinced him it was a scam but he did leave her office.

Elders especially those with cognitive decline are very vulnerable to these predators.
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My father was involved with those jamacian scammers. The phone is the most dangerous thing that they could use. I reported the scammers and cussed them out and finally they stopped calling. But I was always afraid they would call again when I wasn't there and. Once, they convinced him to go to cvs and buy a card, so they could get the money off it. CVS told him it was a scam. They said he won a lottery and he had to give them money to get it. Unbelievable.
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Hi, this is OP and I really want to give my heartfelt thanks to everyone that has offered support and advice to me during this stressful situation.
As I stated earlier, mom and I had words. I let her know that she was not going anywhere with a strange man she met on the internet. She was not to give our address to anyone without my approval and that I was doing this because I love her and was worried for her safety.
I am not a confrontational person and have always tried to be kind and loving to mom, but this was unacceptable.
After the dust settled and I had time to look into what was actually being posted on this site, I found that the man was talking vulgar and did say he wanted to meet my mom and do things to her.... ugh! She was not innocent in this conversation either.... she made questionable comments and she did put an address on there, but it wasn’t correct and was just a street number with no street name.
Unfortunately when she went outside at 10pm at night, I didn’t know what exactly was going on and I had to react in a way to protect her and myself. Thankfully no one showed up and we weren’t in danger but this situation could have ended badly.
Mom is now at my brothers for a while as we both needed a break, I have not had a day away from caring for her in 3 years. My brother and sister in law are doing their best to care for her and she is in a safe place. We have disconnected her access to this dating website in the transition from my home to theirs so hopefully she will forget about it when she comes back or I will have to tell her it was shut down.
The truth is caregiving is hard. Hindsight is 20/20 and we all do the best we can.
Some people on here have criticized my actions saying mom should be able to do whatever she wants. But she has dementia and is not in her right mind and I’m just a daughter doing the best I can.
Thanks so much for the support and for taking the time to reply when I was at my wits end.
Your kindness is a blessing and I hope I can be there for some of you in the future.
Hugs, Kathy
Helpful Answer (8)
Ahmijoy Aug 2018
Hey, Kathy. I’m glad you’re getting a break from your caregiving. Pay no attention to the people who said you should let mom have free reign or those who said she should go ahead and meet the creep because he might be a lonely little old man. Yuk. I’m glad she wasn’t cognizant enough to give out your right address. Make sure wherever she does her internet surfing that it’s not written down anywhere for her to read off of.

At at some point, you will probably need to have it out with Mom again. I know how difficult this is because I am non- confrontational as well. You are a saint for caring for your mom. Three years with no break. Wow. Don’t let that happen again, for your own mental health. If Assisted Living isn’t in her future, then brother will need to step up more often.

Bless you for what you’re doing. Sending hugs!
How will Mom get there? Will you actually agree to drive her because she might have a temper tantrum if you don’t? What she is doing on Facebook and the dating site is called “showtiming”. For some reason, people with dementia can call upon hidden resources for a short time and convince strangers there is nothing wrong with them. Do you monitor Mom’s internet activity? If not, you should start and too bad if she doesn’t like it. We don’t have to reiterate how dangerous this liaison is, right?

Your mother needs to learn that it’s your house and your rules. Period. If she doesn’t agree, you will be more than happy to research facilities and help her apply for Medicaid if necessary. She will change her clothes and take her pills. Or else. She’s probably pouting more than shutting down. If she’s going to act like a child she should be treated like one. Stop letting her run you ragged and put down some house rules, or she goes to a facility. And for Heaven’s Sake, pull rank and keep her at home tomorrow.
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I have put an alarm outside her door so I will hear it if she tries to leave at night. Right now we are not going to leave her hear alone for any amount of time.
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Everyone who accesses a computer in your home should (must) have a log on. Find her log on ID and change her password and don’t tell her what it is. Then log her out and she will never be able to log in. If she asks why she can’t log on, just play dumb. She can be told that such and such a nursing home has computers, if she wants to move there. By the way, who has power of attorney in your Mom’s case? You WILL be held responsible by the police, if something happens to your mom. My mom could work a computer into her 80s just like your mom. But just like my mom, your mom must eventually go to a nursing home. I give her two years tops, before things really unravel. You need to keep her safe, and that requires a nursing home. By living around more people her age, she might level off in her attitude. If no one has power of attorney, then you have a real problem on your hands, and so I would immediately go to the office of aging in your area and seek advice. You also want a “paper trail” that you are actively seeking help for your mom. Like I say, you will be held responsible by the authorities. Check out nursing homes on your own...the ones who have memory care units. Ask them for advice. You will NOT need to spend YOUR money. If your mom has no money, Medicaid will cover it. Do not put her into any home that does not have a memory care unit and do not put her into any home that does not take Medicaid. Always remember, this is the disease. Your mom is still there. But, the disease changes people dramatically. IF she has Alzheimer’s, read the book by Dr Dale Bredesen called The End of Alzheimer’s to give you hope. Don’t panic. Don’t worry. But, do take action. This will get worse and not better. Hang in there.
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I have read your previous posts and have never heard of someone improving unless there was a med or other physical problem causing Dementia problems. They do get like children and should be treated as such. Does this man know she is an 82 yr old woman. Surprises me she can still use the internet. I bet when he sees she has family he will back off. Do not offer to take her to him. If she asks, say no. You are against her going out with a stranger and you won't drive her there. Let her get mad. She probably thinks she is a young girl. My Mom was 89 when sjhe passed. She looked in the mirror and said "who is that".
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